Self esteem

[GrandDesespoir]

I was roundly told on another thread that I need to improve my self-esteem. This, though easy to say, is probably a fair comment.

So, wise Mumsnetters, how does one do this? What practical steps can one take to improve self-worth?

FWIW, I am employed, I'm not overweight, I'm not in an abusive relationship, I'm not in debt, I'm in good health, I have friends and hobbies and a good relationship with family members. However I'm single and childless and live alone.

Help!

Do you think your problems go back to your childhood, the sibling jealousy. Did you get anything out of the counselling?

Are you super picky when you try OLD? Do you ever occasionally go out on dates with someone just for the fun of being on a date? That's a massive boost to your ego and if you go knowing he's not necessarily "the one" you can relax a bit and enjoy the attention and have some fun. I strongly recommend a few of these dates.

Also sounds to me like you need some new friends if you haven't spoken to anybody for days. (This happens to me as well but I get lost in my own little world of reading books sometimes).

Do you have any hobbies or interests?

There are soooo many ways to meet different people and make friends. On meetup.com there is a group for every single interest that I can think of: walking, running, cinema, restaurant, knitting, book club, theatre lovers, going to gigs etc.etc. the list is endless.

I've been involved with a couple of married men 25+ years ago because they are just so dang easy. Willing married men are everywhere. It's not an accomplishment of any kind to be with a married man. It takes no effort whatsoever to get a married man to have sex. Zero. Maybe this feeds low self esteem - you're getting something too easy to get. Whoop-de-doo, attention from a married man. Any woman reading this can find a willing married man in 30 seconds.

I agree low self esteem is a part of having affairs. When I became celibate my self-esteem went up. Every time I turned down another married man and and another and another - my self esteem rose. That was the beginning for me of improving my self esteem - saying No, having self control. I'm in my 50s now and still telling married men, No. They aren't going to get their cake and eat it too by using me.

Other self esteem improving things for me are volunteer work, reading and writing, being nice to myself (pampering things like facials) and getting negative toxic people out of my life - telling them No. Setting boundaries in general improves self esteem for me. Good luck to you and I'm glad to hear you dumped Mr. Sir!

Totally agree with absolutely everything BubblingUp said, and NurseButtercup.

Do you think your problems go back to your childhood, the sibling jealousy. Did you get anything out of the counselling?

I don't think sibling jealousy is the real issue (although I can't have children, so this particular scenario of becoming an aunt was always going to be a complex one). There is a huge age gap between me and this sibling (I'm older), so we weren't at similar life stages growing up, and we have a good relationship as adults. However, I think self-esteem issues go back to childhood, yes, but then so do most personality traits, positive or negative. I was quite a perfectionist as a child, but probably more confident than I am now in some regards. Teenage years knocked a lot of confidence out of me for various reasons.

As for the counselling, I don't know. I would like to think so, but no issue I went in with has been satisfactorily resolved, much to my chagrin. I've also spent c.£30K on therapy over the years...

Cross dressing you say? Sure you haven't been dating my H? If you have, you have my sympathy. Run, run as far and as fast as you can. Men like him can read vulnerable like a neon light above your head. And will use your insecurities to twist stuff and make you do things to satisfy their weird.

Good luck. And if you find a great source for single, undamaged, nice men in their 40s, then PLEASE pm me!!

Are you super picky when you try OLD?

I don't think so. Fairly picky, I guess. I don't know. These days it seems impossible to get as far as actually going on a date.

There are soooo many ways to meet different people and make friends. On meetup.com there is a group for every single interest that I can think of: walking, running, cinema, restaurant, knitting, book club, theatre lovers, going to gigs etc. etc. the list is endless.

Yes, I've tried walking groups, language groups, support groups, choirs, dance, cinema, book clubs, evening classes of all sorts, talks on a range of subjects, treasure hunts, singles events, local groups, comedy, other random social meet-ups.

Not knitting, though. Perhaps that's where I'm going wrong. Maybe my soulmate is a knitting aficionado.

Good luck. And if you find a great source for single, undamaged, nice men in their 40s, then PLEASE pm me!! Yeah, me too!

Good luck to you and I'm glad to hear you dumped Mr. Sir!

Thanks.

Good luck. And if you find a great source for single, undamaged, nice men in their 40s, then PLEASE pm me!!

Ok, but don't hold your breath.

P.S. I've also done cookery courses. And a Gamelan workshop. By rights I should have met Mr Right about ten times over.

There is that old adage about not finding love until you love yourself. I don't know how true it is, but it can't hurt to position your focus on something you are passionate about, rather than an activity geared towards meeting Mr Special, and make yourself feel whole, date yourself. I am sure a more together version of you won't find it as difficult.

That sounds like cliche card stuff, but probably better for you than shagging someone who already has a wife. Don't be the bad guy, be the version of you that you are happy and proud of.

If you've tried all those groups, you can try again. People come and go all the time. And with regards to OLD don't wait to be asked - you ask them. Try having a few first date disasters and laugh about with yourself and your friends.

There's a thread that's been started about worst first dates and the stories are both and !!

I'm like you single, in my 40's childless and live alone. But I'm happy and in love with myself because I decided to be. I'm living life instead of allowing life to live me.

You have sooooo much freedom and soooo many choices. Only you can decide how you want to exist in this life :-*

You said "I've tried walking groups, language groups, support groups, choirs, dance, cinema, book clubs, evening classes of all sorts, talks on a range of subjects, treasure hunts" also cookery and Gamelan. Are you really into all that stuff, really? Or were these vehicles to get out there and meet someone?

Honestly, coming across as on the hunt, is not the most attractive thing, and is definitely a massive come signal to the bad 'uns.

You said "I've tried walking groups, language groups, support groups, choirs, dance, cinema, book clubs, evening classes of all sorts, talks on a range of subjects, treasure hunts" also cookery and Gamelan. Are you really into all that stuff, really? Or were these vehicles to get out there and meet someone?

Yes, I am into all those things. I like languages (speak one to an advanced level and a few others to an intermediate level), foreign travel (go abroad five or six times a year), music (play an instrument to a very high level and several less well so go to concerts and residential performance courses), cookery (including baking, and eating in decent restaurants), literature, film (go to the cinema once or twice a fortnight), theatre (plays and musicals) and other arty/intellectual things (talks, courses, exhibitions in museums and galleries). I also like swimming, badminton and cycling, but am not sporty so tend to do those things on my own or with non-competitive friends.

The walking groups I did partly because a friend suggested they were good for meeting people, otherwise they are all things I have some level of immediate interest in (i.e. they weren't a means to an end). I've also done a postgrad degree and a charity trek in India; I met men doing both of these, but they both turned out to be arseholes.

I'm also interested in history, philosophy, psychology and science, and have done evening classes in these, too.

You sound like you have a full life, just rubbish luck with men. Never mind. Better be without one than with a rotten one.

Oh I am sure you are, aren't we all varied and interesting creatures, but you are coming across a little "woe is me", poor me and my self esteem making me make terrible decisions, shagging someone else's husband, but we should feel sorry for you because you are vulnerable? And it is inexplicable as to why you can't find a single man, despite trying so, so hard!?!?

But you are also a bit nippy? Do you think maybe this might be what's stopping you from finding Mr Right? As the original prompt for this said, stop being such a drip.

birdbandit

I'm not quite sure what point you're trying to make. I didn't use self-esteem issues as an "excuse", it was someone else who brought that up. I'm not claiming to be blameless, faultless or flawless. That said, I don't think I've been particularly lucky with relationships. And being unable to have kids doesn't exactly help in that area either.

I think I've done a reasonably good job today of taking criticisms on the chin. If you want to think otherwise, I can't stop you.

If I find your posts a bit defensive, a bit of a woe is me whinge, then maybe you come across that way IRL? You say you have tried everything but to no avail, so the common denominator kinda is you.

You are posting about how #sadface you are about shagging a married man, on a parenting website? Obviously all are welcome, and mumsnet isn't just for parents etc. But what is your thought process here? Why is this where you came for help? This is what I am trying to help you with.

You say you accept all criticism on the chin, but it isn't coming across that way, to me.

You seem so unhappy, but clueless, (or perhaps blameless) as to your role in this.

These things would not be attractive to me in a prospective partner.

Good luck in your life.

You started a thread about how to fix your self esteem "issues" as a response to someone telling you not to be a drip, when you were justifying your affair in another thread. So you really did bring this to the table.

If you ended the affair with the married man because you realised that you are worth more than being someone else's toy, your self esteem would sky rocket.

I know this because I have never had an affair with a married man, but I did, at a low point, allow myself to be flattered by the attentions of one.

The day I told him to stop because I was worth more than that did far more for my self esteem than any amount of challenging myself, or pushing myself outside my comfort zone, or reflecting upon my talents and abilities.

I have pretty low self esteem in terms of how I feel about myself, but other people think it's sky high because I tolerate no shit from anyone now.

Dur, just seen you've done that.

I skim read and missed it. Sorry.

Well if it's a crime to feel a bit despondent having spent more than half my adult life single, despite trying many times to meet someone, mea maxima culpa.

The comments about why I was involved in an affair was in response to a thread that someone else started. I didn't start a thread asking for validation of my affair, neither am I at all clueless as to why I allowed it to start, nor blameless.

Yes, the common denominator is me - and thanks for pointing that out, I hadn't noticed. And perhaps I am sometimes - or often - defensive or snippy, or self-pitying, or whatever; however I would imagine that most people who are in relationships have a few less attractive qualities, but they nevertheless managed to meet a partner - and I have never claimed to be perfect.

Anyway, let's just agree that the two of us won't be going on a date any time soon.

*the comments... were...

Chrissie Hynde said in an interview once that you didn't need to have more belief in yourself, just belief in something you do. Find something you feel passionate about that helps other people and put time and effort into that. I did and it's given me focus and drive, as well as pushing comfort zones. The boost to my.self esteem was incidental but welcome.

You sound very interesting btw. Good luck.