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Original poster

Self esteem

78 replies

GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 10:02

I was roundly told on another thread that I need to improve my self-esteem. This, though easy to say, is probably a fair comment.

So, wise Mumsnetters, how does one do this? What practical steps can one take to improve self-worth?

FWIW, I am employed, I'm not overweight, I'm not in an abusive relationship, I'm not in debt, I'm in good health, I have friends and hobbies and a good relationship with family members. However I'm single and childless and live alone.

Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 13:59

Do you think you could struggle with being on your own means your less of a person and therefore worthless? Sort of if no-one else thinks you're worth being with then you can't be?

Yep. But I already know all these things about myself.

category - I'm in my early forties.

And I have just extricated myself from the affair - and thrown myself back into the void of emptiness. Hmm

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 14:01

I think raising your self esteem might actually be quite complex.

Well there's a truism! Smile

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UrsulaBirkin · 30/04/2017 14:05

I'm interested in this. I have very low self-esteem and I think it's damaging and crippling actually. I don't think it's taken seriously enough e.g. people do just tend to be flippant about it and think that you can fix it by being 'determined' etc.

Like you OP I am capable and competent in many things, but it is incredible easy to shatter me with a negative comment or with something like a small set back in work or in a relationship. This all leads to a lot of unhappiness.

I'm healthy and go to the gym, have good friends, have had a book published, I've largely been successful in my career etc. but my sense of self worth remains low and I fixate on faults. I will keep endeavouring to fight against it and I'm very interested to hear good advice - the quote that will solve all! - but I do fear that this is just 'who I am'

It's bloody annoying.

LightYears · 30/04/2017 14:05

Oh right, sorry I didn't realise. Well, that's good, that's got to be a positive move for sure. You're bound to feel a low because of this to start with.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 14:14

Oh right, sorry I didn't realise. Well, that's good, that's got to be a positive move for sure. You're bound to feel a low because of this to start with.

Well you wouldn't, as I only dumped him an hour or so ago!

He told me he loved me, but looking back over it I think all that has achieved is to demonstrate that even when a man claims to have deep feelings for me he still treats me like shit! Hmm

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 14:15

Like you OP I am capable and competent in many things, but it is incredible easy to shatter me with a negative comment or with something like a small set back in work or in a relationship. This all leads to a lot of unhappiness... It's bloody annoying.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel.

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category12 · 30/04/2017 14:19

He told me he loved me, but looking back over it I think all that has achieved is to demonstrate that even when a man claims to have deep feelings for me he still treats me like shit!

Ain't that a fact! Grin I have very much found the same.

category12 · 30/04/2017 14:20

Actions over words, always, I think.

LightYears · 30/04/2017 14:29

Well you wouldn't, as I only dumped him an hour or so ago! Oh, so sorry, I thought I'd missed you saying about it on this thread or another thread you'd done. No wonder you're feeling sh1ty, give yourself a break, you must be feeling all sorts of horrible. I agree with PP, actions speak louder than words, people will say all sorts to get what they want, what a bastard he is, you're well rid.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 14:33

Oh, so sorry, I thought I'd missed you saying about it on this thread or another thread you'd done.

I did, but no worries! Smile

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 14:35

I've just made a list of all his bad points. (Point no.1 being that he's married...) He also wanted me to call him "Sir". Hmm

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 14:37

No wonder you're feeling sh1ty, give yourself a break, you must be feeling all sorts of horrible.

Actually I don't feel too bad, which I guess is something. Not looking forward to reading his response, though. It will either be pissed off, or will say it's probably for the best (reinforcing my suspicion that he doesn't really care about me at all), or will be asking me to reconsider.

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LightYears · 30/04/2017 14:43

"Sir" WTF. Did he want you to do other odd things too?
Don't let him talk you around when he replies what ever you do. Do you think it might be safer to block him now.

RandomMess · 30/04/2017 14:45

Ah well I can join your club too, it's like your rational understanding and deepest held emotions are in constant conflict.

My self esteem is just non-existent post marriage issues a few years back!

Huskylover1 · 30/04/2017 14:56

And I have just extricated myself from the affair - and thrown myself back into the void of emptiness

You only saw him once a month. All this means is that you will be living the single life for 30 says a month now, whereas it was previously 29 days.

Look, being an OW is always going to bring your self esteem crashing to the floor. You are consistently second best and always a dirty little secret. Add to that, that the kind of guy who is capable of having an affair, is generally a right fucking KNOBBER, then you are spending time with said Knobber, instead of getting out there and meeting nice, kind, available single men.

In the nicest way possible, put your big girl pants on, get an STI check, get on-line dating and start the next chapter of your life.

I say get an STI check, because if the OM told you he was in a sexless marriage, then not only is he a knob, he's a lying knob. Also, you have no idea how many OW he has on the go.

CopperRose · 30/04/2017 14:59

Firstly, Flowers & Cake for you.

I am quite able academically and in other areas, and I do do a lot of these things (although several are solo pursuits). I am also very independent, capable and competent. I know these things consciously, but they do not appear to enhance my self-esteem.

Do you feel proud of these attributes & accomplishments?
Because you should.
Independently proud, not just because someone else says they're good/of value?
Being proud does not mean feeling smug or arrogant - often it is hard for people to feel pride because they feel they 'shouldnt' iyswim.
You've achieved these things because of who you are and how capable &/or resilient you are.

I do tend to steer clear of areas where I feel less confident, such as sport, but conversely I try to learn new skills and increase my knowledge about various subjects, so I don't only stick within my comfort zone.

When I was seeing a psych, she made me push my comfort zone.
I'm someone who would jump out of a plane or do anything to 'push myself' so didn't see how it could apply to me.
What pushed my comfort zone in the end was doing things that focussed on me and only me - I felt uncomfortable with the idea of that, like it was too self-indulgent and that it wasn't right.
I had to break down all the tiny little accomplishments and learn to allow myself to feel proud - this was unbelievably hard for me to do.

Wrt counselling, I would recommend cognitive behavioural therapy instead of 'normal' counselling - it is a practical thing where you learn techniques to 'reprogram' your inbuilt rules & assumptions.
It's hard, and it challenges your own opinions & judgements of yourself, but it's worth it (it was for me, anyway).

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 15:52

Did he want you to do other odd things too?

Yes. Blush

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 15:55

Do you think it might be safer to block him now.

I have to see him later on in the year, in a sort of professional capacity, so it's worth staying on reasonably good terms.

You only saw him once a month. All this means is that you will be living the single life for 30 says a month now, whereas it was previously 29 days.

I heard from him most days. It's that that I'll miss. I haven't spoken to anyone - literally haven't said a word out loud - for over 24 hours, and it would be 48 if I hadn't been working yesterday.

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 15:58

...you are spending time with said Knobber, instead of getting out there and meeting nice, kind, available single men...

Such creatures exist? Hmm

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Huskylover1 · 30/04/2017 16:09

They do exist Grand

You may have to kiss a few frogs until you find a keeper, but they are definitely out there. I met my lovely DH on POF. I was 38 and he 35. I would start there, if I were you. It's free and seems to have more members than a lot of OLD sites (at least it did 9 years ago!) Watch out for men who seem happy to e-mail and never meet up, they tend to be married, ime.

category12 · 30/04/2017 16:19

It was some sort of d/s relationship, right?

birdbandit · 30/04/2017 16:50

You realise that this whole thread is about your seeking to justify your affair, because raising your self esteem is "complicated", and you want to explain that.

It doesn't feel like you want to solve the problem, but to have random folk on the internet understand that it isn't your fault?

Good grief woman, you can do better than being a prop to boost a married mans ego, and you can feel better enough about yourself that you don't need for us to tell you that you are doing ok.

Ditch the married man, no one is going to have their self esteem boosted, at least in the long run, by all the sneaking and lying and uncertainty of an affair, with someone who doesn't value you enough to make you their partner.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 17:02

CopperRose

Thank you for the flowers and cake. Smile

No, I don't really feel proud of myself. When I got my Master's with distinction I didn't feel proud, and it was overshadowed (in my mind, and in terms of my parents' focus) by my sibling having a baby the same week I got the result.

I have tried CBT (12 sessions, or possibly 18, I can't remember), counselling and full-on psychodynamic psychotherapy over a number of years, several times a week.

I have tried OLD countless times, using at least half a dozen different sites, paid and non-paid. I've also tried lots of other ways to meet men, both those specifically relating to dating and a range of other general social activities. However I haven't had a relationship that's been even vaguely successful (i.e. lasted for more than a few weeks or months) for almost 12 years.

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 17:07

Watch out for men who seem happy to e-mail and never meet up, they tend to be married, ime.

Yep, had one of those just the other week. He did it twice - on both occasions days were earmarked when we were both available to meet, but he never got back to me in time. I didn't give him another chance (although I considered it).

You realise that this whole thread is about your seeking to justify your affair, because raising your self esteem is "complicated", and you want to explain that.

Perhaps you're right, but I have now ended it. I've also been trying for almost a decade to sort out self-esteem and relationship issues with therapy.

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 17:09

It was some sort of d/s relationship, right?

That's what he wanted, including bondage, etc., but it didn't really happen as I wasn't that keen. To be fair, he didn't push the issue. He also liked to cross-dress.

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