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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left me for mum of 1st child

58 replies

RogueAngel79 · 22/04/2017 16:38

RogueAngel79
I need to tell you my situation because you seem to have such good advice..., two weeks ago my H walked out on me, leaving 2 boys 9 6, after 12 year saying he isn't happy and needs time to think...2 conversation and him still saying he needs time cue yesterday, txt me saying he's gonna give it another go with the mother of 1st child (10) who only came bk into his life at Xmas because of me...he's been seeing her since February and living with her since the night he walked out......yesterday he changed his fb photo to him and her, and says he's happier than he ever had been.....I'm broken....can't sleep can't eat, I've blocked them on fb, but what do I do now, I feel I made this happen with being so pleased for his relationship with oldest son to go ahead I treated him like one of my own, all his things are gone and he's driving around in her car, and when we speak I can't get any sense, he hasn't even trying to work things out I'm so lost.......xx

OP posts:
TheresAGhostYouFools · 22/04/2017 16:40

I'm so sorry. You say his oldest child is 10, but you've been together 12 years, so I guess he already cheated on you? Let him go, you're worth more. Concentrate on your kids, he doesn't deserve you.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 22/04/2017 16:42

Cms. . .
And a solicitor.

Astro55 · 22/04/2017 16:43

Sorry but you'll be better off without him

Finola1step · 22/04/2017 16:46

Did he cheat on you in the beginning of the relationship (hence the 10 year old) if you have been together for 12 years?

TheElephantofSurprise · 22/04/2017 16:49

You seem to be in distress. I'm sorry. Get some proper legal advice. The hurt will end eventually. It will end more quickly if you get all the financial and legal stuff out of the way. Be harsh, firm, cold. Be clear what you want for you and your boys.

Original poster
RogueAngel79 · 22/04/2017 16:54

Sorry his son is 12 in Jun, and we've been together over 11 years, I wasn't thinking zx

OP posts:
Original poster
RogueAngel79 · 22/04/2017 16:58

I'm just so low, I don't even know who he is anymore, totally different person to.the man I married and loved, she also 10 yrs younger than him, I'm so lost think I'm in shock, mt boys don't have a clue what's happening the confused too, I trying explaining but if I don't understand how can they? Thank God I have fantastic family and friends here to support me, other wise is crumble xxx

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 22/04/2017 17:00

So he either left the mother of his first child when she was pregnant or very shortly after his son was born. IMO men like this are hardly great catches, if they can move on so quickly once they'll certainly do it again

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2017 17:03

He left her when she was pregnant? Was it for you?

Original poster
RogueAngel79 · 22/04/2017 17:07

I didn't know about 1st child untill be been together a year, I more i talk about it the better I'm starting to feel, think I might just need to get it off my chest, it's his loss, a wife who adored him, 2 boys who love him to bits, a nice home and wanted for nothing xx

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2017 17:10

Why is how they got together relevant other than if he was playing around at the beginning, or buggered off when the OW was pregnant then he isnt likely to be very reliable?

Or is the advice given based on whether the OP was the OW herself?

OP all you can do is give it time. I can pretty much guarantee that in 6 months or so, when you have got yourself sorted, got your head on straight and recovered your self confidence he will want you back. You will look great, feel great and the irony is that you will no longer want him as you will be seeing him for what he really is, a lying cheating slime ball.

So keep thinking about that day, the day when his wonderful new "happier than he has ever been" shiny life is in tatters and you tell him to fuck off.

In the meantime get yourself some legal advice asap. Get as much information together as you can about your house if you own it, tenancy if you rent, savings, bank accounts, pensions and his salary. He will need to pay you roughly 20% of his earnings in child support minimum. You are entitled to a share in his pension if he has one and your share of the house, although you could trade a share in the pension for larger share of the house....this is why you need legal advice. Also financial advice in terms of tax credits or benefits if you are not working.

Get onto entitledto.com, that will give you a fairly accurate figure of what you should be able to claim so you can plan your financial future.

Take care Flowers

MenopausalRubbish · 22/04/2017 17:12

I'm so sorry Flowers. Let him go, good riddance of bad rubbish etc - you deserve something nicer than this.

Bones2017 · 22/04/2017 17:13

I'm so sorry Rogue. You're in for a rough ride. I saw your post on my thread. They turn into monsters don't they? Try not to bite or fight back. Try to keep your cool and they'll have nothing to call you on. Take each day as it comes. Even hour by hour. I'm sorry you're going through this. X

nursy1 · 22/04/2017 17:14

It's horrific. How could the OW do that??
As emotional as you feel you need to get all the legal and financial stuff in place. What plans does he have for seeing his younger sons? Don't let him in the house, bag up all his clothes, keep all financial paperwork see a solicitor. .

Gabilan · 22/04/2017 17:18

Why is how they got together relevant other than if he was playing around at the beginning, or buggered off when the OW was pregnant then he isnt likely to be very reliable?

Yes, that. There does seem to have been some overlap or a very tight timescale. He seems to have left a pregnant woman, or one with a very young child, then got it together with the OP. And didn't tell the OP about the first child for a year.

Which makes him an unreliable liar from the outset.

Sorry you're going through this OP but I think you're well shot.

Original poster
RogueAngel79 · 22/04/2017 17:40

Thank you guys, he is seeing my boys, once a week, and says he is going to pay his share of the bills, I think at the moment I can't understand anything, I hope the day does come when he wants back, I just gonna slam the door, he has no right to treat the boys or me like this....I must get stronger, and hopefully I will xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
RogueAngel79 · 22/04/2017 17:42

Thanks Bones, you too, reading your story made me post mine, hope your getting stronger now, I feel everything you have said xxx

OP posts:
Astro55 · 22/04/2017 17:43

It's horrific. How could the OW do that??

Maybe it's a twisted attempt at revenge? Who knows!!

Bones2017 · 22/04/2017 17:48

It's a truly painful experience. Lots of love to you. Xx

nursy1 · 22/04/2017 17:48

Astro. That would be twisted. But I wouldn't put it past some people. More fool him.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2017 17:50

Why is how they got together relevant other than if he was playing around at the beginning, or buggered off when the OW was pregnant then he isnt likely to be very reliable?

Because if the op was the ow originally and he left the pregnant mother of his first child for the op, and has now went back to her I'd assume that would change it somewhat,,

Op, I'm sorry you're hurting, I get you say he lied to you and didn't tell you she was pregnant or that even he was a father and had a child till the child was a year old but did he leave her for you? And now he's went back to her, 11 years later?

Original poster
RogueAngel79 · 22/04/2017 17:56

Revenge?? I didn't know about her for a year! 1st child was born June 2005, we got together Feb 2006. So it's 11 years not 12 sorry, but now you've said that Im starting to think,he always paid csa but didn't have contact with 1st, untill xmas last year, after me telling him after they contacted me through fb that he needed his dad, but maybe she's feeling smug, beacuse she's taken him away from me , if that's the case, won't last two minutes when she gets to know him 12 years later........ps. she was young when she had the child only 15 xx

OP posts:
Original poster
RogueAngel79 · 22/04/2017 17:58

No there was no overlap, they were finished before we got together , I won't do that to anybody, never mind a pregnant woman xx

OP posts:
pallasathena · 22/04/2017 18:01

Why are you blaming the OW when HE's the one who has abandoned his wife and children?
And why are some pitching in with theories of the OW exacting revenge..?
I mean, seriously......
OP you are going to have to be incredibly strong for the next few months and you will be, because you have your two precious boys to look after and your own physical and mental health to protect.
He's a loser OP. And a scumbag. And you are far better off without such an awful role model for your boys in your life.
I'd also watch out for 'relationship fatigue', probably coming from the OW. She will very like become fed up of financially supporting your ex if he can't pay his way. And if that happens, he'll be begging you to take him back.
Don't.

BaronessBomburst · 22/04/2017 18:02

She was 15 when she had the baby?
So he was 25? Shock

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