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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

stay with man who I think may be abusive or be lonely?

60 replies

muddywater · 10/04/2017 19:39

I feel so uncertain. I feel like my marriage is a sham. But I'm so scared of leaving and never meeting anyone else and that fear is clouding any other thoughts as it's so huge. Has anyone ever felt the same?

OP posts:

Mabelface · 10/04/2017 19:50

It's better to be alone than being lonely in a bad relationship.

WelshMoth · 10/04/2017 19:51

Nothing more lonely than an unhappy marriage.

Get out of it.

Wolfiefan · 10/04/2017 19:55

Why do you "think" he may be abusive?

isitjustme2017 · 10/04/2017 19:56

How old are you muddy? Its a shame if that is your main reason for staying. I'm trying to get our of an emotionally abusive relationship but the very LAST thing on my mind is meeting someone else.....

JK1773 · 10/04/2017 19:56

Ooo really sometimes there's nothing nicer than being on your own. You get time to have your own thoughts, pamper yourself, spend time with your friends, have a break away, cook what you want when you want, watch crap telly. All far better than being in a rubbish relationship and being lonely and miserable. Don't be scared of being alone, take some time out of relationships. You won't be on your own forever. I did it, on my own 18 months. Now with a prince of a new man and very happy indeed

highinthesky · 10/04/2017 20:00

Find your own happy.

But first get away from what's making you miserable.

Original poster

muddywater · 10/04/2017 20:11

JK they just aren't my experiences I just don't know.

I feel really ashamed admitting this but I know he's abusive in my heart or hearts I just don't know if I can bring myself to leave. Because the life I leave for might be worse.

OP posts:

UnbornMortificado · 10/04/2017 20:12

Have you DC?

JK1773 · 10/04/2017 20:14

There is no 'worse' than being with somebody who has damaged your self esteem like this. Where do you see yourself in a year, two or five? Still miserable with this abuser or free. I know it's really really hard but the feeling of freedom, there's nothing like it. Hope you're ok x

Original poster

muddywater · 10/04/2017 20:14

Yes we have children I think I'd definitely have done if not but then it only got bad after children really so maybe not, I don't know?

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 10/04/2017 20:16

Are you safe OP?
If you have children then you owe it to them not to have them growing up around abuse.

Original poster

muddywater · 10/04/2017 20:17

My friend said that but I don't know. Everything I read tells me how bad divorce is. How badly affected children are and how bad it is for them to grow up apart from their dad.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 10/04/2017 20:18

I grew up with an abusive arsehole for a father. That was way worse than when my parents eventually split. I begged my mother to leave him when I was about 11 but she wasn't brave enough to.

Original poster

muddywater · 10/04/2017 20:19

I'm so worried my children think I'm weak. Well, I am weak. Someone stronger wouldn't be in this position, I know this.

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 10/04/2017 20:20

Being on your own doesn't have to mean being lonely. Making the decision to leave is hard and it's really scary, but your life will be so much better if you can do it. When you're in an abusive relationship it becomes almost normal as you don't know want different, it's only when you leave and a period of time has phone last you look back and wonder how you could ever have lived like that.

Advice from me is to not think about whether or not you'll meet someone else. Concentrate on YOU. You need to build a good support network, rediscover yourself and build your self esteem first. Once you can be happy being you, I can guarantee you'll worry less about being with anyone else.

I'm sure this must all sound unlikely at the moment, but I've been where you are now

Wolfiefan · 10/04/2017 20:22

It isn't weak to be so worn down by abuse that it seems impossible to leave. BUT your life can be so much better if you can get help and support and find a better life.
Are you safe OP?

Original poster

muddywater · 10/04/2017 20:24

I'm safe thank you. Not in any danger. Just really unhappy and I don't know what to do. But I'm conscious it's just all getting worse not better. I feel like he doesn't even like me!

OP posts:

UnbornMortificado · 10/04/2017 20:24

My ex was abusive, towards the end I thought suicide was my only way out.

I've ended up with the police out today over threats and we've been split up two years.

You deserve to be happy and your DC deserve to have a happy not abused mam

Violetcharlotte · 10/04/2017 20:24

Crossed post. You're not weak, he's made you feel that way by knocking all the confidence and self esteem out of you. It's incredibly hard to leave an abusive relationship and it's takes most women a long time. But if you do it, I can guarantee you'll feel empowered as you'll be in control of your life again.

There's lots of help out there so please, please get some professional advice. Women's Aid are fantastic, but theres many local DA support groups who will also be able to help you. Or you can talk to any Dr or health care professional, they're all trained and will have seen this many times, so please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed x

Original poster

muddywater · 10/04/2017 20:26

I know it's stupid to feel embarrassed but I do. I feel so so embarrassed.

OP posts:

Kikikaakaa · 10/04/2017 20:27

I understand that you feel scared but it's an irrational fear. Being on your own does not lead to anything worse than abuse. It is as bad as it gets for you now, leaving is changing this and it can't be worse. Even not having much money isn't worse than abuse. Kids readjusting isn't worse than abuse. The fear you have is of freedom, and that's not something to be feared.

Violetcharlotte · 10/04/2017 20:28

How old are you children Muddy?

Mine were 4 and 2 when I left my abusive ex. They did go through counselling when they hit to about 11 as I think that was when it hit them there Dad wasn't like other Dads and they struggled to comes to terms with that. They're 17 and 15 now, really well adjusted, doing well at school. We have a great relationship and they're incredibly loving and protective over me. I dread to imagine what they'd be like of is stayed. Divorce is never easy for children but living in a home where their Mum is abused by their Dad will do a million times more damage x

Shayelle · 10/04/2017 20:30

for you. Keep posting on here. So many have been where you are and have come out the other side xx

Original poster

muddywater · 10/04/2017 20:30

I Feel like I'm not really enough for them. Sorry it's all clear in my head then I try to talk and it sounds so stilted and robotic.

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 10/04/2017 20:33

Keep talking to us, but do try and talk to someone irl when you feel ready x

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