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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

stay with man who I think may be abusive or be lonely?

60 replies

muddywater · 10/04/2017 19:39

I feel so uncertain. I feel like my marriage is a sham. But I'm so scared of leaving and never meeting anyone else and that fear is clouding any other thoughts as it's so huge. Has anyone ever felt the same?

OP posts:
Marmalade85 · 10/04/2017 20:34

I kicked my son's dad out when my son was 8months old. You will be shocked how much happier your life will be when you don't have that dark cloud over you. Your children will be picking up on the be atmosphere

Original poster
muddywater · 10/04/2017 20:35

Maybe I am just being silly. This is what keeps happening, I feel like it's awful and then I want to talk about it and can't and think of nice stuff and think I'm wrong!

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 10/04/2017 20:55

Abusers can be nice sometimes, that's how they get away with the abuse.

Has something happened? What's made you decide to reach out now?

You don't have to answer but it might help to talk. There's some very wise posters on the relationship board.

Wolfiefan · 10/04/2017 20:59

YYY. Abusers can be nice sometimes. It makes you stay. It also unsettles you and makes them that much more unpredictable.
I'm glad you are safe.
You deserve to be happy. That could be alone or with someone who values you and cares about you.
You make perfect sense BTW.

Original poster
muddywater · 10/04/2017 21:01

We went somewhere we used to live and I remembered some stuff I didn't really question then but looking back now I do. Thank you for listening to me. I feel so alone.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/04/2017 21:05

It's better to be alone, than to wish you were. Better to be alone than be with the wrong man. Because you are more 'alone' with the wrong man than you will ever be on your own.

You say you worry that you won't meet anyone else if you leave your marriage. Well, staying in that marriage absolutely guarantees that you never will.

Is there any chance that you can get some time away? Preferably time on your own? Because I think that if you spent even 3-4 days away from him you'd see things more clearly, at least on the 'I don't want to be lonely' issue.

Because being alone does NOT equal being 'lonely'. There is great peace and freedom in being alone. Not 'alone' as in without your children, but 'alone' as in without a negative person/influence sitting across the table from you.

Alone is eating what you want, watching what you want, doing what you want, it's setting your own rules for the children without being countermanded. Alone is not being picked on or picked at. Alone is a quiet home. Alone is laying your head down at night knowing that you won't be pressured for sex. Alone is a good night's sleep. And we all know there's nothing better than a good night's sleep!

UnbornMortificado · 10/04/2017 21:12

Do you think talking to women's aid might help?

If your not comfortable writing it down.

Original poster
muddywater · 10/04/2017 21:15

I feel like it's my fault. I feel I've let it happen and now I'm crying to everybody expecting support. Well maybe I should have thought of that years ago.

OP posts:
Platimum · 10/04/2017 21:19

Leave him.

You have been ground down to zero or close to it if you're contemplating staying with a man you know is abusive. So in that state, the unknown and the future and adjustment to a new life seems terrifying.

You're probably terrified. Paralysed. And I will tell you why you are paralysed, but the body administers a sort of anaesthetic to get you through your own sad life when you're with an abusive man.

I think the anaesthetic might be wearing off a little if you are posting here?

What I suggest that you do is to get away for about three weeks. Put it in terms of three weeks. Think of it like that. ''lose'' your phone. When you have head space from him you may find that the anaesthetic wears off a little more.

Change might seem less scary. Everybody fears change, not just you. But change is particularly scary when you've been ground down and made to doubt yourself.

I don't know now why I thought so long and hard about leaving my x because as soon as I did it I felt relief. Adjustment to a new life is not as hard as you think it is going to be because when you're not surrounded by negativity and not constantly criticised and undermined, things seem a bit easier than you thought they'd be.

Violetcharlotte · 10/04/2017 21:19

None of this is your fault. I felt the same and it took me a long, long time to understand that. Have you talked to anyone on real life about this? Family or friend? X

Wolfiefan · 10/04/2017 21:20

Absolutely none of this is your fault. Abusers are great at wearing people down and making them feel trapped. The only person to blame is the abuser.

al1111 · 10/04/2017 21:21

I feel the same as you but I absolutely know being alone is way better than an unhappy marriage. I just gotta gather the strength to do it.

Original poster
muddywater · 10/04/2017 21:21

Thank you for such nice messages. He can be awful but I feel like I'm used to him so it doesn't bother me.

OP posts:
Platimum · 10/04/2017 21:22

muddywater I hate that analogy that people some times use to stay in a bad situation.

Having to lie in one's bed! Bollix, If you're in bed and it's cold you grab another blanket! If it's hot you kick off the duvet. You can wash the sheets, buy a new duvet cover....... so don't allow that crafty ground down part of your brain to be lulled in to apathy and paralysis. That is your low self worth telling you that you have to lie in your bed because you made it. NO. you don't.

You know what I read in a book buy anne dickson, ''I have the right to make a mistake''. It is a human right.

You made a mistake. That's your right. You can leave. Even if you don't believe you had the right to make a mistake, you can still ''forgive'' yourself for having made a mistake.

Platimum · 10/04/2017 21:23

You only have one life though.

Don't offer it up as a sacrifice to somebody else's convenience.

[coffee]

Platimum · 10/04/2017 21:26

Here are some points that gave me clarity on the situation.

If (supposing) somebody could press Fast Forward on your life and you could wake up a year from now with a new place to live and all the utilities connected and the practicalities sorted and the worst of the acrimony behind you, would you do it? Would you press Fast Forward?

If so, then it is just adjustment you fear. And adjustment does not go on for ever. It is a temporary hurdle and it is not worth living a miserable half life indefinitely because of 6 months of aggro.

Original poster
muddywater · 10/04/2017 21:31

I don't know. I just feel like I LOVE him. But he doesn't treat me well. That should make me stop loving him but I don't.

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Platimum · 10/04/2017 21:31

muddy i used to feel embarrassed to. But again, that's temporary. Over time you will feel strong. You will get your happiness back. I'm proud of myself now. I know I'm strong and independent and resourceful.

Think about this, what matters more to you appearing to be happy (ie, nobody knows the miserable life you have and assumes you're a ''normal'' family) OR, leave and ride out any temporary adjustment and embarrassment knowing that you will actually BE happy when the shitstorm dies down.

So choose. Appear to be happy? BE happy?

Platimum · 10/04/2017 21:32

That's not love. It's an attachment.

You need his approval to feel ''at peace'' or to feel calm.

isitjustme2017 · 10/04/2017 21:33

I know where you're coming from OP. I also blame myself for putting up with my dp all these years. I feel I've let him treat me badly so its my own fault. Letting him get away with it has allowed him to think its ok.
I really hope you get to a point where you've had enough, sounds like you're getting there. It must bother you or you wouldn't have posted on here.

Platimum · 10/04/2017 21:36

I remember when my sense of self was all bound up in my x's opinion of me. It was torture. I was always looking for his approval which he basically hardly ever gave me. I didn't have a strong enough sense of myself to be able to feel that I didn't need his approval. I needed his approval so badly I felt sick without it. I knew he was an asshole, but instead of being able to shrug it off if he judged or criticised or disapproved .. it used to chew me up and upset me terribly. I did not feel at peace if he thought badly of me. So I was always trying to win his approval to avoid that sick feeling of being disapproved of.

Now I don't care what he thinks of me. omg the freedom and the happiness that brings, I cant tell you!

Please don't confuse the fact that your sense of self is all bound up in his opinion of you with LOVE

IonaNE · 10/04/2017 21:57

I love being on my own, have been for decades and have never felt lonely in my life.

UnbornMortificado · 10/04/2017 22:05

Emotional abuse can be a form of brainwashing in my opinion.

www.womensaid.org.uk

You might find that website helpful.

sunshineon · 10/04/2017 22:28

I feel the same about my relationship. We have been together for 13 years married 2 and the first 10 years were incredible. We travelled, laughed, were so affectionate and hardly argued but it seems in the past 3 years things have hugely deteriorated. We have started to argue over trivial rubbish. He is really into fitness and works as a model and I work in finance and we have a 3 month old daughter. I have never been into fitness really and have about a stone of baby weight to lose which he has started to pressurise me over in a nasty way. We haven't been intimate for around 6 months and he calls me nasty names and brings up things I have told him in confidence in the past to throw in my face which is the ultimate in nasty and peevish in my opinion. He has never been violent to me as such but has grabbed me and pushed me out of rooms and he has taken my phone off me for days on end before. I too feel embarrassed and feel that he hates me for no reason and friends and family think we have a perfect relationship which makes me not want to leave even more as i still love him but feels he no longer loves me but won't leave, I feel because of our daughter who I dread being damaged by all this. I spend most of my time in tears and if I ever say anything about the state of our relationship he laughs and says no one would want me. I'm so sorry for the long post and hijacking your thread but you are not alone and I couldn't help but comment as your feelings are so like mine. I hope you find strength and a way to find the happiness you deserve I will be watching this thread.

Original poster
muddywater · 10/04/2017 22:38

That sounds creepily like my relationship although mines not a model. He is intellectually superior though and lords it over me.

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