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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The speed men change their mind about me... does this happen to anybody else?

67 replies

Platimum · 03/04/2017 20:05

I'm not over investing, I have my own life, I have my own friends! blah blah blah. Just this issue. Again.
Always about 6 or 7 weeks. They're crazy about me. I'm nearly keeping them at a distance and trying my best to control the pace a bit. Then they get whip lash and their feelings for me disappear. They're never conflicted. Their feelings are just GONE.

And it's not as simple as ''don't sleep with them''. I put it off until I feel comfortable (but obviously I need to postpone it beyond the point I'm comfortable.

It's that total volte face that shocks me.

So question for the men to, if they're reading, at what point do you know your own mind. When do you know that this isn't just the first few weeks flush of excitement.

Is six or seven weeks some kind of trigger for men?

OP posts:
noego · 03/04/2017 20:17

And it's not as simple as ''don't sleep with them''. I put it off until I feel comfortable (but obviously I need to postpone it beyond the point I'm comfortable.

Obvious.

Jiggaminny · 03/04/2017 20:21

My friend has this same 6/7 week curse. She gets really into a guy and makes her life revolve around them. They feel smothered and start distancing themselves.

Original poster
Platimum · 03/04/2017 20:35

Yupp.

OP posts:
Original poster
Platimum · 03/04/2017 20:38

Jiggaminny that is definitely not what i do!!

The guy who just dumped me, he was working from home on Friday and he wanted me to come as soon as id dropped off kids. I said no ill come after ive done s class at the gym! He said ok. Not once did i ever rearrange a friend for him.. i saw him when i was free. I rearrange my life for no man. But i will miss him. It feels sad right now.

OP posts:
garmsfresh · 03/04/2017 20:41

Why don't you ask him ?

Original poster
Platimum · 03/04/2017 20:48

Oh i do. It's always basically they can't explain it, their feelings have disappeared.

Im clever, funny, strong, healthy (mind and body) but not without vulnerabilities. Im independent and i aleays learn something but it still hurts. This last guy was so great, on Friday he was talking me and my kids out on Sunday. The only reason that didnt happen was because i sent them to my mum's but on Friday, 31st March!, he wanted to be with me all day and was willing to take us all out. I sent the kids to my parents and thank god. He was also talking about a concert in June. Possibility of a trip away. No I thought let's take it one week at a time but it felt so right blah blsh blah.

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Jiggaminny · 03/04/2017 20:50

Oh no sorry @Platinum i didn't mean she chose him over her friends (she never failed to meet me and still doesn't!) She was just really into the relationship and they weren't, at the 6/7 week stage. I dont doubt you're a great friend

TheNaze73 · 03/04/2017 20:52

Just chill, once or twice a week dating max, is what a lot of men would want

Original poster
Platimum · 03/04/2017 21:25

just chill? seriously? mIght be ''what a lot of men want'' but i've my own agenda which I'm always honest about.

Bit of a waste of my time dating people twice a week for six or seven weeks. I'd rather know after three dates if they're not interested.

OP posts:
y0rkier0se · 03/04/2017 21:27

Six or seven weeks seems too early to be meeting kids. Have you been pushing that as that could be off putting?

Original poster
Platimum · 03/04/2017 21:27

Jiggaminny, how do I keep men at a distance then? all of this intensity is coming from them not me! I will have to try harder next time. I say I have my own agenda but my boundaries are not saying so.

I'm not in a big rush. I said to this guy a while ago that we should avoid stepping straight in to a kind of ''relationship'' and then panicking and reversing and he nodded and agreed, but I still kept replying to all of his messages. It felt right.

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Original poster
Platimum · 03/04/2017 21:32

The opposite Y0rkie. He never stayed over when the kids weren't here and once or twice he came over for dinner but left early, before they were asleep.

But next time (if there's a next time) no man is coming to my house until I'm certain he knows his own mind and clearly six weeks is not long enough for a man to know his own mind.

how long til a man KNOWS his own mind??? It's so confusing. I'm not going out with gobshites and bastards. They always believe what they say to me when they are saying it, it's not that they're actually lying, they mean it when they say it. Then suddenly their feelings change.

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TheNaze73 · 03/04/2017 22:15

I was only saying that in response to your question. You sound a bit full on

Kikikaakaa · 03/04/2017 22:42

It all does sound a bit much. I would say if you cram 4 months worth of 'dates' into 6 weeks this is one reason it's not working. Also getting cosy with your kids too fast is bound to just be a passion killer. Should you still be staring at him over a cocktail in a bar not eating pie and mash at your kitchen table? Where has the magic of dating gone if you go to Tescos together that fast?

One of the points of slow dating is 1. To not lose all the magic and illusions too fast 2. Because real life is way more boring than living in the moments of fun exciting dates and 3. You will get to know someone slowly and see how things develop.
Sometimes it is actually not a bad thing to NOT follow your every hearts desire at every moment

GreyStars · 03/04/2017 22:51

Sounds way too much to quick, I didn't meet my now husbands DC until after we had been dating for six months (he is the RP, their mother doesn't see them at all) didn't stay over at his for about nine months - stayed at mine whilst he had a nanny/babysitter once a week.

No idea how old your children are, or if the men your dating have children - but if you meet someone, like them and then suddenly whilst your still getting to know the person you add children into the mix that's a lot for a childless person to get thrown into, I think I would have a run a mile

Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 05:58

I wasnt adding children in to the mix. They were upstairs. But yes this guy he bought me dinner the fisrt few times we went out, wouldnt let me pay half. Then told me he was broke til pay day. I guess him coming over seemed like a sensible decision given how right it felt. Now obviously i regret it. He wouldnt let me pay half but that has "cost" me a lot more than just money. My kids dont care if he never comes over but it was an unnecessary humiliation telling them it wás over.

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Ampersand22 · 04/04/2017 05:59

A couple of things struck me from what you said, and believe me I am not here to be judgey pants because I had this pattern happen with me in my 30's and I think I figured out why.
"Bit of a waste of my time dating people twice a week for six or seven weeks. I'd rather know after three dates if they're not interested."
It would be great if life were that clean but it's not. It sounds like you might be trying to rush them and yourself into some kind of solid thing that you can put a name on and safely label them and the relationship as "safe". What seems to be missing is the enjoyment, and I think maybe they are picking up on this, and the enjoyment might get less and less the more this happens to you. It is actually quite controlling, because of your feelings of wanting to be safe. I'm only saying this to you because I did this too. I think men pick up on this and scarper. Dating is supposed to be fun, and an exploration, not time wasted if it doesn't work out.

I think you're introducing them to your kids way too soon. I am childless, I would have considered being with someone who had kids (married to someone who doesn't have any but this is rare i know). Say my husband had kids, I would have been very put off meeting them within seven weeks. It's a lot of pressure. It is a lot of "serious". It also suggests to partners that you will trust and let anyone in, it sends a message that conversely, they are not special and that your boundaries are not strong.

Is there anything in your past that is an issue? Abandonment issues? I have them in bucketloads which is why I ask. You may feel that you are world's most laid back dater but it is not coming across this way. Trying to put everything in neat packages so you won't get hurt. I say slow down and have more fun just as a woman, being taken out for drinks etc. I know this is hard and the reality is that you are a mum and not someone who can swan off at the drop of a hat and have to deal daily with wiping up sick and poo etc and you want new people to see that and realise that you are serious person. I get it. But what they want from you in early stages of dating is just the woman. If they want to take on the rest they need to get to know her first.

Ampersand22 · 04/04/2017 06:01

Ooh hello :) hope you are ok today.

Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 06:03

He had kids though. Now that i think about it he talked about them too much. The odd deatil, the odd story, but subjects of cinversation, repeatedly??? Not appropriate i dont think. He saw my kids passing through kitchen but i didnt talk about them all the time.
he is a very mixed up man but a very nice man and that is a bad combo. You let your guard down. You see the niceness but the "mixed up ness" tskes about 6 weeks to reveal itself.

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Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 06:06

Thanks amper. I think i wanted to know where i stood but id say what ive learnt is to control the pace a bit more, hold these super keen guys at length more successfully til they know their own minds.
next time.

If there is a next time!

OP posts:
Ampersand22 · 04/04/2017 06:07

Sorry I see you have not introduced them in this case, but there is overlap between home and dating life, and you have pointed out yourself that it wasn't ideal and not what you planned. In this case you had to tell your kids that it hadn't worked out, which is only more presssure on you and more reason why this isn't fun. No wonder you're feeling upset about this situation.

Ampersand22 · 04/04/2017 06:11

Sorry crossed posts, yeah he might have been saying all of this to make you feel like you have a shared experience and it seeemed safe and then once he's slept with you, he's off. Yeah it's crap but honestly some men will say anything to get you to lower your guard.

Think it might be sensible to write down a laundry list of your boundaries so if you get wrong-footed because a guy is skint, you don't automatically try to make it right for him by inviting him back. Have a list of things that you absolutely will not do next time round, there will be one, have faith.

Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 06:20

The naze im not at all full on. I do go in to OLD knowing that im not looking for casual sex. Im not calling these guys assholes either. Their keenness is is what is rushing things! With this last guy i should have stuck to what i felt inside which was that he could meet for two beers surely. I have my children all the time and yet im optimistic hoping to meet somebody.

It isnt easy but not trying wont work.
i have been single a long time. Im happy et. No abandonment issues. Not needy. Not full on. But still this thread has been usefull, reading well meaning advice that is just a total musread of me.
the next time a man tells me he has no money to go out (what not enough for a beer and a bowl of chips?) then if he doesnt like being held at arms length, so i can control the pace, then he will bail at about three weeks and not after ive developed feelings. I had fun with that last guy. He was perfect in some ways (for me) but there was an issue he knew about early on and he saw fit to come back to my house because he had no money despitr knowi g that he didnt feel enough chemistry. I have a right to be angry with him. He launched into my life as an experiment in his own head. Im not full on or needy. I just to be frank didnt know what to say to a man i liked who told me he had no money til payday but really wanted to see me.

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Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 06:25

Ill write down a list of my own boundaries for next time.
I thought id learned that it had to feel emotionally right, there had to be a connection and i got that right this time. But he turned around and said not enough chemistry. I give up.

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Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 06:33

But ampersand yes when he told me he was skint, i offéred to go out and pay half fgs. I also had vouchers to a nice restaurant. It isnt like cooking for somebody at home is free!
If he didnt want to go out with me out OUT i should have shrugged and retreated to think..........
i should write down what ive learnt from everybody ive dated. I swear you"d never leave the house again!
But contrary to the advice people always give on threads like this a slower pace would have been more fun for me. I find it is men who try and speed things along. They mean it all when they say it but they dont know their own mind. They dont know their own feelings, whether they're fleeting or not, and yet they rush you.
this last guy did not disappear the minute we had sex btw.

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