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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The speed men change their mind about me... does this happen to anybody else?

67 replies

Platimum · 03/04/2017 20:05

I'm not over investing, I have my own life, I have my own friends! blah blah blah. Just this issue. Again.
Always about 6 or 7 weeks. They're crazy about me. I'm nearly keeping them at a distance and trying my best to control the pace a bit. Then they get whip lash and their feelings for me disappear. They're never conflicted. Their feelings are just GONE.

And it's not as simple as ''don't sleep with them''. I put it off until I feel comfortable (but obviously I need to postpone it beyond the point I'm comfortable.

It's that total volte face that shocks me.

So question for the men to, if they're reading, at what point do you know your own mind. When do you know that this isn't just the first few weeks flush of excitement.

Is six or seven weeks some kind of trigger for men?

OP posts:
Ampersand22 · 04/04/2017 06:38

You don't actually have a right to feel angry with him though. You are trusting the words of someone who is trying to sleep with you and will say anything to do so. You are assuming that these people are super keen, but they are not because they're not with you are they? They are super keen to sleep with you and will not think twice about the total inappropriateness of coming to your house knowing that they will use you and fuck off afterwards.

You are trusting that because he's come to your house it implies something. I'm telling you it doesn't, the anger is misplaced because you should be angry at yourself for putting yourself and kids in that position when you don't know anything about him.

I say this with kindness. believe it or not. :)

Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 06:40

Kikkikaa what you say about tescos is funny. 5 weeks in, he wanted me to go around tesco with him and i said no and laughed and told him i didnt want to be seen shopping together (weive near each other and one of us would have seen somebody!)
I shut that suggestion right down and he got it when i explained it.

Another time we were in a supermarket and i was like "meet you by the tills then".
Instinctively i didnt want to risk being seen playing at being a cosy couple by people who might know me/him.
He just didnt think of it.
So yeh im not clueless or full on.

But even though this guy was not pushy he still managed to make me deviate from my boundaries so i do need to write them down. Non negotiables.

OP posts:
Ampersand22 · 04/04/2017 06:41

if a slower pace is what you want, do not invite people into your home when you don't know them that well. Your words don't match what you're actually doing.

Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 06:43

Im saying way more thsn i intended to but the issue here was not that he was trying to get me in to bed. He was very unconfident sexually. He wants to be my friend. He wants ME but not sex with me.

Right better not say anymore.
these threads are useful up to a point! But the guy you describe! They're easier to avoid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 06:47

Ampersand the advice you give makes sense for previous experiences ive had (yes a rap sheet of mistakes) but it is just not a match for this situation at all.

OP posts:
Ampersand22 · 04/04/2017 06:48

I would say settle for proper dates where you meet for a prearranged activity and both parties go home. Drink, cinema, bowling, skydiving, whatever.

Not coming home because he's skint already and thought 2 paid dates would be enough for some action, and seeing your kids in the kitchen, and then disappearing after 7 weeks. Do your kids not deserve a proper introduction when the time is right?

Not 5 weeks in, and being in Tesco with each other. No. Value yourself. Good luck.

Ampersand22 · 04/04/2017 06:49

In this situation maybe not, but if any of it is ringing true please don't dismiss it. I only wish you well, sound harsh but don't mean to be.

category12 · 04/04/2017 06:52

7 weeks is way too early to have some bloke in the house while the kids are there.

Whatatododo · 04/04/2017 07:29

I know exactly what It is. It's the excitement and anticipation of a shag.

I have experienced the same as you in the first weeks. They want to text/whatsapp all day and night, all excited and keen, never met anyone like you before, can't wait to see you.

They invite themselves round for a shag even if you've got kids. When I've said what about the kids, they have honestly looked blank as if the thought hadn't occurred to them it hadnt, they were just thinking of the shag.

One guy wanted to come over with a bottle of wine on a school night and stay over. I said, what about the kids in the morning? He was planning to sleep through it all (the waking at 5, running around the house, getting ready, the school run, everything Confused.)

The excitement naturally wanes after several weeks because it's not going to work out the way they envisaged when you've got kids, you work, you've got a busy life. I agree that it should be proper dates for a while but how do you maintain that with children? That's why I gave up on it all because it was such a pattern.

GloriaV · 04/04/2017 07:34

Sounds as if HE didn't know what he wanted - talking about the kids, coming round to meet yours, sex yes/no.....
It's probably not you at all, it's him.

TheNaze73 · 04/04/2017 07:42

Ampersand22, has it summed up well.
What you're saying & doing are completely different.
Take a step back & just date a couple of times a week for a few months in the future & see where it goes. Define your own boundaries & stick to them. Most men don't enter into the dating arena, because they dream of Volvo's, Labrador & Sundays in Ikea. They want sex & will say anything to get it. You need to take control. Good luck

Kikikaakaa · 04/04/2017 07:51

Do you ever date men who want to take it slow or do you assume they aren't really interested in you?

daisychain01 · 04/04/2017 07:52

I rearrange my life for no man. But i will miss him. It feels sad right now.

It sounds like you wan your cake and eat it.

You're giving out messages that you aren't prepared to meet that person half way, you're adamant they won't disrupt your life and they have to fit in around your priorities. Then you're surprised when they don't stick around.

If I was someone trying to build a relationship with you, I think I'd probably give up after a few weeks too!

daisychain01 · 04/04/2017 07:53

Want

daisychain01 · 04/04/2017 07:57

I think you're controlling things so much, you're stifling any spontaneity out of a relationship before it had a chance to get going.

Are you quite a defensive person in general?

TheStoic · 04/04/2017 07:58

How old are your kids?

You are not introducing them, but you're still having strange men in the house when they are home, and they don't know who they are, is that right?

I don't think that is a good idea.

User75478973479 · 04/04/2017 07:59

Some me are just trying to get in your pants and that's it. Kids in a sweetshop OLD. It was men's dream invention!

ScarletForYa · 04/04/2017 08:03

he was trying to get me in to bed. He was very unconfident sexually. He wants to be my friend. He wants ME but not sex with me

Huh?

Something not right there OP. It's not you, it's him.

He might have had erectile dysfunction or something.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 04/04/2017 08:13

So he was dead keen Friday morning to be together Friday and all day Sunday, with the kids too...then he had gone off you completely a few hours later? Tbh, he is very unstable, worryingly so; no one changes that much, that quick. Unless there was some really specific thing that happened (in which case he should prob be able to tell you a reason), this guy was seriously odd!

I wouldn't be surprised if he reappeared in a couple of weeks after finding he adores you after all, but I would not touch him with a barge pole!

sucue · 04/04/2017 08:34

One boundary is simple, if someone tells you they're too skint to go out even if it's cheap and you're paying your way, don't reward them with a cooked meal. Just don't see them. Especially in the first few months, especially at your home.

Anyone who runs out of money isn't a good future bet anyway, you have your own family to support.

saoirse31 · 04/04/2017 08:41

You sound massively invested in meeting someone to be honest. Why not try not meeting someone for a bit, and just focus on work, kids, other stuff?

I wonder if you're giving vibes that u need a partner in ur life desperately..

lasttimeround · 04/04/2017 09:28

Stay off the massively keen ones. Most of the time that's bull. A seriously interested man won't be keen. Also are you actually assessing them back rather than just feeling relieved someone's interested.
I also think 8 weeks is a classic 'after that it's serious' marker. Do could just be they are keen just not serious keen

MyheartbelongstoG · 04/04/2017 09:41

You do sound a little full on op.

The comment about someone not being a great future bet because they were skint is the biggest load of bollox I've ever heard!

silkpyjamasallday · 04/04/2017 11:10

Well, to me this is obvious, these men are 'keen' but only keen to sleep with you, they don't actually want a relationship, but they will tell you what you want to hear so that you'll sleep with them. And you do sleep with them so they have got what they wanted, he probably managed to arrange to see a new potential partner on the weekend he blew you off. After 6/7 weeks they have found someone else to have sex with, they have probably been messaging other women on dating sites while you've been seeing one another and the novelty of sleeping with you has worn off, especially if they are coming to your house when your children are around. Wait until you know them as a person a little better before sleeping with them, the guys who just want sex will clear off pretty quickly if they realise sex isn't imminently on the table, the ones worth sleeping with will stick around longer and will be happy to wait. You can have sex as soon as you feel comfortable, but you can't then be annoyed that you misjudged someone when they are no longer interested when they reached their goal.

Original poster
Platimum · 04/04/2017 11:14

Im assessing back yes!!
Just frustrated (not "full on" at all)
I do my fair share of rejecting and eliminating so im not looking for a life raft to cling to. The problem is if i say how independent i am ill be told ah that's it. You're too independent.
so thank you to all who posted advice that was directed at somebody who i relate to (iyswim)..
I will write down my non-negotiable boundaries and no matter how Right it feels I won't budge on them.

Im actually fine. Less than 48 hours after the third heave ho in 14 months.
i think it is sensible to take stock.
Good luck to all.
thanks.
bye!

OP posts: