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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH shouting/ swearing at me.

60 replies

Woollymammoth63 · 31/03/2017 21:43

I wasn't sure whether to post in relationships or on here, but decided to post it here as I have before. I am in counselling for various issues and have been doing better.
A few days ago DH had to go out in the stormy weather to pick up ds. I had recently done a fair few of these trips and we'd agreed he would do this one. When he came back he was in a foul mood, and I could see he was really angry. Apparently he couldn't find ds for a few minutes as he had thought DH may be at the other end of the school and then was talking briefly to someone. Anyway on return home, I said well he didn't mean it, he was looking for you that's all. DH exploded at me shouting ' well you could have fucing gone, if you had got off your fuc ing arse !' I should add I was supposed to go out somewhere else, and he had probably decided this was unfair, in actual fact I didn't go anywhere as I was tired.
Am I reasonable in thinking this is terrible behaviour?

OP posts:
Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 31/03/2017 22:04

Shall I put this in relationships?

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 31/03/2017 22:13

There's some wise posters on the relationship board, might be worth getting it moved.

That is not acceptable behaviour, I have bipolar and I can be a nightmare. DH would never speak to me that way MH issues or no MH issues.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 31/03/2017 22:19

I personally do not and will not tolerate anybody shouting or swearing at me. My line is firmly drawn there. I'll give someone one chance and that's it.

It's up to you whether you choose to tolerate it or not.

pog100 · 31/03/2017 22:29

of course you are being reasonable and he is being an entitled idiot. Is he often like this?

Trustyourself2 · 31/03/2017 22:34

Tell him to take charge of himself. How dare he speak to you like that & be so angry and resentful about collecting his child. You do your fair share of things & don't make a big scene about it.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 31/03/2017 22:37

Yes, he is like this. I decided to stay up until ds is going to uni. My Mh issues are historic trauma and confidence issues for which I have counselling, also these sort of issues with DH behaviour - I never get angry or anything.
Thanks peeps. He has a behaviour/ anger and entitlement issue clearly. If it was constant I would have been out, but it just happens from time to time.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 31/03/2017 22:53

Appalling behaviour and I really don't see why you have to put up with it until your son goes to uni. Your son is probably pig sick of him too.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 31/03/2017 23:17

Last weekend he was sweetness and light , we went to the beach. It happens in a cycle though, say every two/three weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 01/04/2017 00:04

Anyway time to sleep , thanks x

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HeddaGarbled · 01/04/2017 00:15

Like this?

www.ashleighspatienceproject.com/abuse-types-and-cycle-wheel.html

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 01/04/2017 18:05

Thanks will have a look now x

OP posts:
Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 01/04/2017 18:56

Anyone on relationships able to comment? This has been moved from Mental health - thanks :)

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/04/2017 20:38

Putting up with that every 2/3 weeks is too much. I wasn't raised in a home where people swore and DH and I don't swear at each other even in moments of angerm

So I personally wouldn't tolerate it.

I did find and still do find that my DH has less patience than me when it comes to the DC....so I could imagine my DH being a bit miffed in that situation, but he would not have sworn at me.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 01/04/2017 21:05

I think it was the combination of shouting and swearing directed at me . Swearing per se is less offensive but at you is horrible. I don't swear in any case .

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 01/04/2017 21:12

Absolutely horrible behaviour from your dh. There is NO excuse for it.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 01/04/2017 21:35

I wish I could have videoed it

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thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 22:31

Poor you Woolly mammoth63. Been there, done that, worn the cake and eaten the T-shirt! Abuse is often cyclical - I get it in the neck around every six to eight weeks from my OH. I know the signs now and it's - on one level - water off a duck's back. But on another level - where I allow myself not to be in denial - it is unbelievably horrible and degrading. Please try to read up about the cycle of abuse, and, power and control - I am really finding that learning as much as I can about such behaviours is helping me to get stronger.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 01/04/2017 22:46

Yes it really feels horrible. Often afterwards I'm left feeling really shocked , and sometimes I question- did I argue, did I cause it, do I sound angry when I speak too ? But I know, all I said was, it wasn't ds fault he was just looking for you. It's so disappointing, and so horrible.

OP posts:
dingodon · 02/04/2017 08:20

People will (unless they are decent but even then...) for the most part treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you allow this muppet to treat you this way and do nothing then keep expecting the same. Alternatively you can tell this wankbadger to pull his head in and each time he behaves this way to pull his head in and you should see a change if not tell him to fuck off as you don't need this shit in your life.

Chloe84 · 02/04/2017 09:28

That's not normal, OP. We called Dad for lifts constantly, even into adulthood, and every time he waited patiently and greeted us with a smile. (I think we were sometimes cheeky!)

He could be bullying you into never expecting him to do things. It is terrible behaviour. What other things set him off?

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 02/04/2017 10:36

I have told him, it's totally unacceptable, every time. But obviously just by doing it ' Every time' means by definition I am putting up with it, however much I say I'm not and don't want to.
I'm stuck as I was planning to stay until ds is 18. As long as there is not behaviour like this of course.
He is bullying me into doing things he doesn't want to do - or angry if I ask / suggest he might do something as its his turn , as in this case. If he had said he was too tired, etc I would have gladly done the lift, however he didn't say and being tired myself I thought it would be ok. I think ds not being there for a few minutes triggered him being angry, and his anger has been taken out on me in a bullying way because usually he offloads anything stressful into me, and if he doesn't want to do something he ups the ante. In this case, he's probably decided after the event that it was raining, it was quite a long drive, and therefore decided afterwards he shouldn't have had to do it and that was my fault.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 02/04/2017 10:46

It sounds dreadful. The pressure and stress of maintaining a normal facade must be intense.

How old is DS? Children are resilient and he will cope with a split, especially as his home won't have this tension.

Do you reslly think you can continue? It will take a toll on you.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 02/04/2017 10:53

Sorry , just realisedI haven't said anything about this particular time. I was shocked at the time and I haven't had chance to speak on my own.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2017 10:57

Do not wait to leave until he is 18. Staying for the children rarely if ever is a good idea and teaches them that a loveless marriage is their norm too. What would that achieve for you anyway; he is not going to say to you thanks mum for staying that long. He may well wonder of you why you did not leave given the misery at home and put his dad before him.

Doing that will also give your H more direct opportunity to abuse you and in turn your children over the coming years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2017 11:00

Abusers are not nasty all the time but you are well caught up in the cycle of abuse that happens every two to three weeks.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Look at what you learnt about relationships when growing up and what your childhood was like too. I would also think that your own historic trauma and confidence issues have played a huge part in you being with someone like this man now. He has further magnified those because your own relationship template was itself damaged through you being shown poor relationship examples from home.