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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH shouting/ swearing at me.

60 replies

Woollymammoth63 · 31/03/2017 21:43

I wasn't sure whether to post in relationships or on here, but decided to post it here as I have before. I am in counselling for various issues and have been doing better.
A few days ago DH had to go out in the stormy weather to pick up ds. I had recently done a fair few of these trips and we'd agreed he would do this one. When he came back he was in a foul mood, and I could see he was really angry. Apparently he couldn't find ds for a few minutes as he had thought DH may be at the other end of the school and then was talking briefly to someone. Anyway on return home, I said well he didn't mean it, he was looking for you that's all. DH exploded at me shouting ' well you could have fucing gone, if you had got off your fuc ing arse !' I should add I was supposed to go out somewhere else, and he had probably decided this was unfair, in actual fact I didn't go anywhere as I was tired.
Am I reasonable in thinking this is terrible behaviour?

OP posts:
Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 02/04/2017 11:01

I don't really think I can continue , although in counselling I have learnt coping strategies. I wish I left when he was younger now, because there is never a good time . I just didn't want to cause behavioural problems etc and upset in his teenage years, but I also take on board I might be damaging him by staying. I feel really stuck with it.

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Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 02/04/2017 11:03

Yes. Despite everything I used to be such a strong woman. Not any more, at least I don't feel it, though others say I am.

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Chloe84 · 02/04/2017 11:24

That strength will come back. People don't really change.

Don't worry about 'if onlys', focus on the future. Flowers

WeeMcBeastie · 02/04/2017 13:01

No this is not acceptable. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 18 years so I understand what you are going through. My ex would do the same sort of thing, shout and swear at me because the kids weren't where 2 minutes late 'I should get off my fucking arse and get them myself' etc. It was rare that I would ask him to do anything because I was afraid of his reaction. I was too ashamed to tell anyone how bad it was and I ended up taking antidepressants. On one occasion he screamed at me for falling asleep when I apparently should have been helping him install a dishwasher! I confided in my best friend who told me this was unacceptable and that all of my friends could see what he was doing. That helped me a lot and I changed my mindset but like you I was planning to wait until my children were 18. He had yet another affair 18 months ago so I divorced him. My only regret is not doing it sooner but I was scared and didn't want to unsettle my children. I am now so much happier and much more confident and happy. You don't have to put up with this.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 02/04/2017 14:56

Thank you .I don't have many witnesses. He only does it at certain times and I am often left wondering what just happened.

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Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 02/04/2017 16:32

Just went out for a ' mindful' walk , helps to clear my mind. Thank you for posting. I would hate to lose my house. But I wonder if this is the time finally when I should consider divorce for unreasonable behaviour and see a solicitor. I'm so ashamed of the fact I've stayed for ds yet we are not happy, and although there are periods of companionship and settled family life, it's like living a lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 03/04/2017 20:49

Hi everyone, up just wanting a bit of advice. The abuse link does seem to fit, and now everything is normal, I was not speaking to him much but now of course am thawing out a bit as I start to forget, he is on his best no behaviour, np been food shopping, put the chicken in the oven yesterday, quietly spoken. No apology.
I am wondering what to say to dh- if I get a chance without ds there, and what to say to ds. I asked ds if dh was ok in the car and he said he was grumpy, but didn't speak- not sure whether to believe him or not. He also said ' he's fine now, don't over react mum!'
What to do?

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Chloe84 · 03/04/2017 21:05

Good advice here , OP (excerpt pasted below). Personally, I would give him an ultimatum that you will leave if he continues to give silent treatment. But only if you actually mean it. Whatever you do, don't be the one that always talks to him. That's what he wants, it gives him power. I have experienced this. If you google 'how to confront someone giving me silent treatment', you may find more tips. Don't be afriad of calling him a sulky manchild when he does this!

Firstly, talk to your partner at a time when you’re getting on well. It may help to write things down first and rehearse what you want to say. Alternatively you may prefer to email them or write them a letter outlining how you feel.

Explain to your partner the impact their behaviour has on you. If you have children you may want to emphasise your concerns over what they are learning from you both about communication and respect. It may be your partner is unaware how upsetting it is for you, or they may downplay their behaviour. They might want time to reflect on your words and later talk more about how they feel.
Tell them the next time they freeze you out, this is how you will act: you’re going to acknowledge they’re upset but you will be leaving them alone until they’re able to talk.
It may be trying to discuss this triggers more silent treatment, in which case you might not get as far as explaining how you feel (on this occasion) but you can still follow the step outlined above.

During the time your partner isn’t speaking to you carry on your life as normally as possible. Stick to your usual routines. If you have kids carry on with your usual childcare responsibilities. Keep up your usual hobbies and activities. Do not take up any extra slack created by your partner disengaging. That may include not cooking meals for them etc if this is your usual household pattern.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 03/04/2017 21:15

Thanks. It's me who is not speaking as I am angry, hurt and I've told him so many times to not swear at me, not shout at me, not disrespect me, it's impossible to imagine he doesn't know he's done wrong.Asking him for an apology just feels like me giving in again.
A few weeks ago he swore, disrespected me and called me a name in front of ds and when I got him alone I went ballistic and made it crystal clear I couldn't tolerate it, and why. He said ' piss off you old cow' when we were just watching TV and I asked him why he was laughing.

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Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 04/04/2017 20:09

I feel as if to speak to him and ask for an apology or appeal to him to see my point of view, is just humiliating and giving him all the power after I have been so clear about not treating me this way.
I think I want to divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
I don't know what to say to ds , think it's something I might ask my counsellor / therapist.

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AlternativeTentacle · 04/04/2017 20:14

It is amazing how many people on here have mental health issues, as well as being in abusive relationships. Which yours is.

Why indeed give him the power? Take it back, go see a divorce lawyer and get your old self back again.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 04/04/2017 20:26

A lot of my emotional and psychological issue is confidence and anxiety , a lot of which is down to him.
I have other issues in the past which might explain why I have stayed so long, that I am addressing in therapy.

OP posts:
mysinkingheart · 04/04/2017 21:44

woolly Flowersyou're absolutely right to get away from this, no wonder you feel anxious and unconfident when you have to walk on eggshells, even if it's not everyday. It should be never.

Don't worry too much about what to say to your DS, keep it very simple, he'll understand. It's maybe a symptom of being with someone abusive but it sounds like you don't quite feel legitimate in leaving? Speaking from experience, when you lower your bar (or rather your H trains you to expect very little and doubt yourself), it's difficult to think clearly but you probably know deep down that it is good for you DS to see that it's not ok to put up with bullying and that we have the right to leave an unhealthy relationship. It's actually a gift to him in a way to learn how it's done.

My DM stayed with a bully for the DCs sake. My Dsis and I both ended up being attracted to abusive men and not knowing how to leave them.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 04/04/2017 21:50

Thank you. I found it very hard to decide because ds appears to side with him , loves spending time with him, and I was even worried ds might opt to live with him more than me and hence waiting the last few years.
After an outburst, dh carries on as normal.

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Fortheloveofdog · 04/04/2017 21:57

Your DS is learning that his dad'a behaviour is ok. When you leave, you will be happier and more relaxed. DS will see that, and things will change Flowers

CharlotteCollins · 04/04/2017 22:00

I'm sure it feels safer for your DS, siding with him, staying on his good side...

What you say to DS is that you've realised H's behaviour is unacceptable. It's not ok just because he calms down later and it's not an over-reaction to walk away because of what he's done. Be clear, don't let DS stick up for him: if he does, you just say, I'm not arguing with you, just explaining why I'm leaving. Make sure you don't label him (talk about the behaviour, not the person), don't badmouth him, don't tell him more than he needs to know, be his mum, don't expect him to support you, support their ongoing relationship whenever possible.

Just a load of advice that occurred to me: apologies if any seems obvious!

bluebell34567 · 04/04/2017 22:10

your ds will do the same in the future, shouting at you, shouting at his wife, etc.
if you are not happy-which seems so as you seem you lost your self confidence- it is best to leave.
contact women's aid. they will advise you.

mysinkingheart · 04/04/2017 22:10

Yes that sounds confusing. Children will side with the bully in an attempt to be liked, it's a defence mechanism. Of course no-one is all black or all white but the swearing at you is not ok, and it is enough of a reason for you to walk away. Your DS could still have a relationship with him if you separate but he'll know that your H's behaviour is not acceptable. He might take until adulthood to get it but that's ok.
If you don't feel up to it yet you could try withdrawing emotionally to protect yourself. Have you heard of the outofthefog website? It's very helpful in intangling your thoughts. And there are techniques like being a "grey rock" that help when situations get distressing. You don't have to argue your point if he swears and shouts. As long as you feel physically safe with him you can just walk away and say you'll talk to him when he isn't being abusive. Not negociable. Take the time you need anyway, it is hard and you want to do the right thing, it's understandable. But again, no-one should be allowed to talk to you like that..

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 04/04/2017 22:22

I seemed to feel stuck in a lose- lose situation.
I have talked this through with my psychologist and she hasn't said it would be better to leave, when I asked her. She seems to accept its a sacrifice I am making fr ds coupled with the possibility I might lose a lot of contact with him if we separated. As happened to a friend - her ds blamed her.
But unprovoked attacks are a but different. I feel at least start the ball rolling now. I don't want to lose my house but this just can't carry on , I feel like I lost my well being due to dh lack of support and worse than that, he blames me for everything and runs me down, no wonder I doubt myself so much.

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Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/04/2017 22:26

You need to end this Woolly, you can't carry on living this way.
Your mental health and anxiety, will vastly improve, when you are away from your abusive husband.
Do you have anyone in real life to speak to ?

mysinkingheart · 04/04/2017 22:31

Maybe you psychologist is trying to stay neutral and not influence you. Some people just don't get it either. I got a second opinion and that therapist was much more involved, fighting my corner and pushing me to leave (she'd been with an abuser and knew the score).

If you don't leave immediately you can still change the way you react to him. Try and disengage, quietly but firmly. Look at the website I mentioned above, knowledge is power and it will get the ball rolling for sure.

Maybe your DS will be around less but imagine how peaceful it could be just the two of you.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 04/04/2017 22:38

I am disengaged emotionally already. I aim for companionable family life and when that happens things aren't so bad, but there is still a lot of minor bullying behaviour as well just general put downs of me and what I do, my career, my family, everything really.

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Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 04/04/2017 22:41

I changed career two years ago, he encouraged this, also I thought I would have less hours in work ( I do shifts) therefore more control over ds arrangements if we separated. But I don't really like this career as much and feel I've sort of done it because dh said so. Though at least I am at home more.
Thank you for replies. I am feeling anxious now tonight, the first time for a couple of weeks.

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mysinkingheart · 04/04/2017 22:45

So no love left even during calmer times? It sounds like you need to bite the bullet tbh. It'll be fine..

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 04/04/2017 22:48

No love left. I hate him. When he is being reasonable, there is calm family life and routine. But I hate him for his selfishness and bullying.

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