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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling unpretty

55 replies

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 04:04

Tonight my DH said something to me that's still unsettling me. His first language is not English and there is a satirical face book site in his language that I read from and he translates, its usually funny and we have a laugh. Tonight he read a translation saying something along the lines of shes so pretty she makes my heart stop

I jokingly said to him, why don't you ever say anything like that to me? He simply replied but youre not pretty I didn't say anything, it was very awkward and I would usually shout or react but I just didn't know what to say. I carried on flicking through my tablet refusing to cry even though I wanted to. He went to bed shortly after. Is he an arse or am I being ridiculous to be so upset? Disclaimer, I'm not pretty at all but after two DDs and 22 years together I though that maybe it didn't matter?

OP posts:
happydays2017 · 31/03/2017 05:15

Tell him! What a hurtful thing to say, only you know if he is being an arse or if it was unintentional, either way, spell it out to him

something2say · 31/03/2017 06:23

Yes. He loves you and he's unintentionally hurt you. Tell him and allow him to love you better.

I bet you are pretty xxxx

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2017 06:29

That's really mean of him

Is he often insensitive like this?

Whatatododo · 31/03/2017 06:31

I wouldn't expect anyone to call me pretty when I'm not (im not) but he could have said something equally nice/another compliment about how much he loves you or something.

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 07:11

Thanks all. Yes he could have said you're not pretty but you're a lovely wife or mum or just softened it a bit and if it had come from someone else it wouldn't have bothered me. I hope this doesn't make me sound shallow because I never value looks in other people, it just made me feel crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 07:12

Thank you something

OP posts:
DadWasHere · 31/03/2017 07:40

I once listened to two older women, both of whom I thought were rather pretty, talk about their respective partners being 'blind' about them being pretty. In effect they devalued what their partners thought to equal their own low opinions of themselves. With that in mind OP, if he tells you that you are pretty when you yourself believe you are not... what is it you think he will become for you over time? A well meaning liar, a man blinded by love or one incapable of judging real beauty? All options lead a man down a road where his words, true or not, end up having less and less value.

mymymytime · 31/03/2017 07:57

The 22 years together answers your question. It doesn't matter to him.

Every woman wants to be pretty. Only around 2 in every 10 are!

TheNaze73 · 31/03/2017 08:02

Familiarity breeds contempt. I don't believe people should lie in a relationship however, they shouldn't talk the way he did about someone else

SpookyPotato · 31/03/2017 08:04

He was blunt and hurtful, maybe he should have said "not pretty but so and so"
But questions like that never end well!

ems137 · 31/03/2017 08:32

😱 I'd be devastated if DH said that to me! What an insensitive thing to say.

I'd say something to him because he has upset you.

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 09:03

Yes questions like this are best avoided sometimes! Unfortunately one of the really annoying things about my DH is he only really sees conventional beauty, and not just in people, he has no imagination. I also agree that familiarity breeds contempt.

OP posts:
Funnyonion17 · 31/03/2017 09:07

Wow what a hurtful thing to say. Your DH should find you attractive in many ways. Maybe he does and he hasn't worked it well. Does he treat you like your important, the best etc?

Dozer · 31/03/2017 09:11

Yes, how does he treat you generally?

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 13:00

No he doesn't make me feel important or special, I don't know if that's due to taking me for granted or him just being an insensitive arse. I might be saying this because I'm pissed off but as long as he has clean socks etc I think any woman would do.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 31/03/2017 13:09

Awful, no matter if you look like Frankenstein your partner should ALWAYS think you pretty, that's just nasty.

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 13:35

I agree and I sort of hoped my inner beauty showed through Blush sorry that sounds a bit naff! I know I'm no beauty but I'm a nice person, and for me at least people are attractive according to how kind they are etc, not whether the are a size 10 or have good hair. Am I naive?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 31/03/2017 13:44

No, you sound spot on OP; human attractiveness is not based solely on you having a symmetrical pus.

If this was me, I'd get a dig in at him about his looks; what's good for the goose and all that.........

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 13:49

Yes I'm feeling angry so I'm going to think about some home truths for him! I probably won't say them out loud cos then I'm just as much of an arse as him but it might make me feel better!

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 31/03/2017 13:49

Does he know he's upset you?

JaneJeffer · 31/03/2017 13:52

Maybe he was just joking? It's the kind of thing DH and I would say for a laugh. After 22 years you should be able to tell him if he has upset you though.

floraeasy · 31/03/2017 13:59

From your follow-up statements, it sounds like the issue goes a lot deeper than this one comment, OP.

How is your confidence generally? I mean, not just about your looks.

Do you feel your DH has ground your confidence down a bit over the years?

Maybe it's time to take some time, space, money, effort just for you for once and build up your self-esteem.

Do you get time to yourself?
Do you make the most of your appearance?
Do you have any hobbies?
Do you have a social life?

Don't just sit around letting your DH make you feel bad (not saying you do this - I am just assuming).

Take charge of your life.

It may be that as you grow, he'll start showing you some respect.
If not, you'll have the confidence by then to show him the door or whatever you decide to do about him.

Good luck!

Flowers
Bluntness100 · 31/03/2017 14:09

Well. You know whether you're pretty or not. You can be attractive, beautiful, but not pretty. Pretty is a delicate attractiveness but seldom beautiful. So only uou know if he was simply stating s fact or trying to be insulting.

Not being pretty doesn't mean you are there fore not atttactive also and not beautiful.

Naicehamshop · 31/03/2017 14:49

So why didn't he say that then, Bluntness?

Stop making excuses for an insensitive and unkind comment. How difficult would it have been for him to say "You are pretty in my eyes" or I love you how you are?" That's just basic good manners.

Original poster
Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 15:14

Florayes I suppose there are deeper issues, we've had some difficult life experience and I feel hurt that he said it very matter of fact, not as part of an argument. I could tell him straight he's hurt me but I know I may well end up shouting which will in turn end up in an argument, I don't want a major fall out over this and we are terrible at communicating, over the years we just can't see anything on the same level any more.

I am not physically pretty or beautiful and I have accepted that. I'm not confident about how I look but I know I have good virtues, I'm loyal, kind and caring which I hope make me attractive to be around. naiceyou're right he just could have said something nice or even nothing at all! I would have preferred a diplomatic silence!

OP posts: