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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling unpretty

55 replies

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 04:04

Tonight my DH said something to me that's still unsettling me. His first language is not English and there is a satirical face book site in his language that I read from and he translates, its usually funny and we have a laugh. Tonight he read a translation saying something along the lines of shes so pretty she makes my heart stop

I jokingly said to him, why don't you ever say anything like that to me? He simply replied but youre not pretty I didn't say anything, it was very awkward and I would usually shout or react but I just didn't know what to say. I carried on flicking through my tablet refusing to cry even though I wanted to. He went to bed shortly after. Is he an arse or am I being ridiculous to be so upset? Disclaimer, I'm not pretty at all but after two DDs and 22 years together I though that maybe it didn't matter?

OP posts:

Adora10 · 31/03/2017 15:24

Dress it up all you want, it was a nasty comment and not required; who is actually going to turn around and say yeah, that's hilarious, I'm not pretty, thanks for making me laugh...

Original poster

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 15:26

elspethhe must know I'm upset cos I went quiet, usually I can be a bit fiery so he must have found it odd that I didn't react. I suppose I'm disappointed that he is still not mature enough to get that beauty is more than skin deep, a cliche I know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 15:29

Yes Adorah i agree, which bloke in his right mind thinks his wife is going to say oh thanks darling aren't you funny!!! He's not stupid and it wasnt in the heat of the moment so he said it to hurt me.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 31/03/2017 15:53

Honestly OP; you need to give him a wee insult back; I know that sounds immature but that's what I would do; if it's good enough to insult me then he should be big enough to take one back no lol.

ohdoadoodoo · 31/03/2017 15:57

Oh that's horrid I couldn't be with someone if they didn't think I was pretty or attractive. It must be really damaging to your self-esteem.

JessicaEccles · 31/03/2017 16:07

That is such a dreadful and cruel thing to say. My ex once said it to me- and to be honest, I have never got over it.

He was an utter abusive prick, who wanted to put me down. But it still cut.

handslikecowstits · 31/03/2017 16:13

OP, I'm not conventionally attractive: I have short hair, a murderous resting face and my hands are usually in soil. My DH however thinks I'm gorgeous. Your husband should think you are too and if he doesn't you might start to step back and examine his flaws rather than beating yourself up about yours.

Adora10 · 31/03/2017 16:21

Brilliant retort by handslikecowstits and fabulous username to boot.

HarmlessChap · 31/03/2017 16:40

Maybe something was lost in translation? Some languages seem to put things in a much more blunt way than English.

GallicosCats · 31/03/2017 16:47

OP, I have short dark hair and glasses and I'm smallish with a very average not-fat-but-never-quite-slim-enough build. I scrub up fairly well with the right clothing and make-up but will never attract the sort of basic bloke that likes big boobs, long blonde hair and long legs. And that's OK. Basic blokes are entitled to their preferences and that's OK. I don't feel unattractive because my DH really fancies me, even after 23 years, 2 kids and 2 C-sections. I'm just a very specific type looks-wise.

However, many years ago I had a boyfriend who barely hid his disappointment that I wasn't the aforementioned Sam Fox lookalike. Being settled for because 'you're so nice in other ways' is poisonous to your confidence. It took me longer than I should have to ditch the immature boy as I was rather young myself, but I am so glad I did. I wasn't his type, and he definitely wasn't mine.

handslikecowstits · 31/03/2017 17:04

HarmlessChap I understand that you are trying to be fair but comments from the OP's DH remind me of the first time I read The Female Eunuch when Greer said, (paraphrasing, I was 14), man in his arrogance refuses to be accepted other than how he is'. It caused me to pause and reflect on the double standards at work even as a teenager.

Oh and for completeness, I am a poster who believes that all of us male or female ought to be be the best we can be for our partners. This does not equal perfection in my book nor does it mean that either partner should aspire to unattainable standards of fashion or convention but in my experience, there are few languages which don't have alternative words for 'pretty'. There are few which don't have the phrase for, 'but I love you anyway.'

Obviously we only have the OP's side of the story here but I see no qualification or reassurance. I do the OP's husband looks like Keanu Reeves or similar for his own sake.

Adora10 · 31/03/2017 17:21

What gets me is the men who insult their partners but dress it up as a joke are hardly like Brad Pitt or likewise, they are usually short, fat and balding lol.

hareinthemoon · 31/03/2017 17:23

Claire Danes on Hugh Dancy:

"But when you’re truly intimate with somebody, they tend to lose their physical shape, you see through them. Occasionally I’ll wake up and notice his… form. And I’ll be, ‘Oh, wow. Dude. Is a looker.’ Then I get shy, all over again. It’s not why I love him, but it’s a very nice bonus."

That "seeing through" your partner really defined something for me. I actually didn't think my X was particularly good-looking when we met (though he did) but I came to see him as attractive as part of the whole package of him. He, on the other hand, did not so much see through me as look through me. He just - stopped liking what I looked like, and that affected how he felt, and of course affected how I felt about myself.

Another thing I read recently said we concentrate so much on how we feel about lovers, when what we should consider is how we feel about ourselves when we are with them. That hit home as well.

The other day I was flicking through an OLD site and saw a profile of a guy who said he'd slimmed down from 19 stone to 16, and specified he was looking for someone petite, size 10-12. Whatevs, mate, whatevs.

Original poster

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 17:55

I really bloody want to Adora! I'm rubbish at stuff like that though. I've always been the safe, reliable one, miss plain Jane but a good wife and mum, always put them first time and money wise, like lots of others here I'm sure. This has meant that my clothes and style are basic to say the least. A lot of my friends are getting botox and spend lots on their appearance monthly and that's fine for them but I just don't have the inclination, I just want to be me. I think he wonders why I'm not doing the same as them, but I don't want eyelash, nail or hair extensions. Do others here ever feel this pressure?

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user1487175389 · 31/03/2017 18:03

Why are you together? Convenience? A rut? If he speaks to you like that, how do you think he feels about you? How does that make you feel about him? Do you really want to be with a man who can put you down mercilessly then go to bed like nothing happened? However you look, he shouldn't waste your time if he's not attracted to you.

Original poster

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 18:12

That's a good question, its not an easy one to answer. Yes I suppose we are in a rut, sometimes I wonder how we ever got together. And yes its utterly crap that he hasn't mentioned it or tried to soften it, obviously he doesn't feel bad or it hasn't registered. Im glad that posters here think it was not OK too, I question my own judgement sometimes.

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hareinthemoon · 31/03/2017 18:24

It sounds like you are not getting his attention for anything, though. If he is not going to tell you you are pretty (and it's not even like that would be difficult, unless he's actively convincing himself you're not; if you love someone I think you just see them with love goggles) then he should be telling you why he loves you in other ways/for other reasons. it's not about the actual "reality" of prettiness (there is no reality of that) - it's about not just a lack of validation but a negativity by the person who is supposed to be your biggest fan. It was a shitty thing for him to do.

I do see that you don't want to play one arsemanship by insulting him but he does need a reminder of how relationships are supposed to work.

Original poster

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 18:47

Agree Hare that everyone has something pretty about them, even if overall they are plain, lovely eyes or hair or something. He couldnt think of one nice thing, even in the awkward silence afterwards. I think in this tough world we all need to hear something positive and loving about ourselves sometimes. Maybe I sound a bit happy clappy but if I think something nice about a friend, relative or colleague I make sure I tell them. It doesn't have to be anything major, just an occasional genuine well done or you look great. Your views here have been an eye opener, clearly things are not right.

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Original poster

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 18:48

That's everyone's views BTW

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ohdoadoodoo · 31/03/2017 19:13

Has he ever complimented your looks OP? Are you attracted to him/compliment him?

Original poster

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 19:20

He did way back in the day when I was leggy rather than frumpy. I do compliment him, I tell him he looks smart when he's made an effort for eg. I still find him attractive he still makes me shiver a bit. I hate that its one-sided though.

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Whatalready · 31/03/2017 21:25

Can't you damn him with faint praise if you can't bring yourself to insult him? I like your suit but it's probably more for a younger man.

Dappledsunlight · 31/03/2017 22:04

Agree OP, really insensitive of him. Do you feel he said it to attack you intentionally? Only you can guess at his motive. Maybe you could make comments about attractive men on TV if that doesn't seem too tit for tat. Ideally, you should make it clear how his comment made you feel and he should proffer an apology! X

Tinkerbec · 31/03/2017 22:34

If you spoke to him. Would he be upset that he made you feel that bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder an all that... so true

Original poster

Whiterabbitears · 31/03/2017 23:40

I quite like the faint praise, that's tickled me! I think that would annoy him more than a direct insult! I feel it had to be intentional because he hasn't mentioned it or apologised and he's had the chance to, therefore childishly I'm avoiding him because I don't want to see his unsorry face. I don't know if he would be upset, sometimes I feel as if I just don't know anything about him, even after 22 years together.

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