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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

wtf do i do now?

65 replies

BastardGoDarkly · 29/03/2017 08:19

So, I've thought about starting a thread a few times about dh and his obsession with his phone, was going to ask if its reasonable to just ask to look through it.
Anyway, last night we'd had a drink, and I asked if i could look through his phone, in a half joking way, cue frantic tapping on phone, then he handed it over, with deleted internet history,I asked wtf, and started looking further (I don't know what I'm doing with his phone) he snatched it back and ranted about his privacy.

As soon as this happened,I felt like I'd always known he is hiding something.

He knows I wouldn't hit the roof about average porn, so its something else/more.

But I'll never know now will I? I'm thinking all sorts, I haven't spoken to him today, he left for work before I got up.

What do I do now? I feel like i can't believe a word he says now.

OP posts:
highinthesky · 29/03/2017 08:23

Well before your imagination goes to town why not ask him?

It sounds to me like there are wider trust issues and this is a mere symptom.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 29/03/2017 08:26

I asked him last night, he said I'm being ridiculous.

Honestly, there aren't trust issues, just a gut feeling about his phone, mostly from reading threads on here, but I thought I was being silly.

Seems not.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 29/03/2017 08:27

Trust your instincts. But all you can do is talk to him and explain that he may as well tell you what he's been looking at, because he's made it so obvious he's hiding something it's laughable (or it would be if it wasn't a serious break down of trust).

Broken trust is the beginning of the end so if he wants to save your relationship he needs to be truthful.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 29/03/2017 08:32

How can I believe him though? I'll just assume he's minimising, it must be so bad that he'd rather I think the worst than show me, that's all I can think.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 29/03/2017 08:35

Yes that's the problem, true...How can you trust whatever he says. I guess you can always try to check his phone another time - do you know his password?

If trust is broken to this extent there isn't anywhere to go really Sad

But if you tell him it's a deal breaker and is destroying your future together maybe he will tell you fully. Maybe.

whatdoyouwant · 29/03/2017 08:39

I have nothing to hide on my phone and I'd be insulted if my partner demanded to search through my phone, look at it from his point of view.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 29/03/2017 08:42

I didn't demand though what I was half joking, and if he'd have said... No, why should you?... That would've made more sense that what he did do.

OP posts:
whatdoyouwant · 29/03/2017 08:47

Sorry 'demanded' wasn't the right word, I wouldn't like my partner asking though

BusterGonad · 29/03/2017 08:48

I wouldn't want my husband looking through my phone, it's my personal space, my time to chat to my friends about things, to look up stuff on the internet that isn't bad but embarrassing, health issues, makeup, clothes, gory medical stuff. It's all innocent but it's my private stuff.

BusterGonad · 29/03/2017 08:48

Mumsnet too.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 29/03/2017 08:50

Ok, that's fair, but would you put his mind at rest? Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 29/03/2017 08:57

So you had both been drinking and you asked to see his phone. He quickly deletes all his internet history. How much had you both drunk? If it was enough to be quite merry and not be in possession of full, reasonable thinking, then he just might be telling the truth. If I had been drinking and my DH asked to see my phone I might, just might, do similar to your DH in a petulant, teenagerish way. But DH has never asked and I don't give him reason to.

That said, your suspicions are raised and won't be settled easily. Ask to see his laptop, IPad etc. Without him deleting his internet history. For good measure, consider offering up all your devices to be checked. I say this because if my DH wanted to check through my devices, then I would suspect he is projecting and might have something to hide himself.

Whatever happens from now, the trust in your relationship has been damaged. You suspect that he is up to something and he may well be. If he isn't, he now knows you don't trust him for no reason. You need to talk this out fairly quickly.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/03/2017 08:58

Sure but you wouldn't hurriedly delete evidence of Mumsnet or whatever other personal but benign thing you were reading, would you?

The OP saw what happened and it was obvious he was hiding something and was very rattled.

Trust your instincts OP.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/03/2017 08:58

And no YANBU.

BusterGonad · 29/03/2017 09:00

I think if my relationship needed to be saved by showing him my phone then it's pretty much doomed anyway. I may show him in those circumstances but I'd seriously be thinking about leaving.

BusterGonad · 29/03/2017 09:02

I think I'm missing something. Was this a one off?

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 29/03/2017 09:02

He did say.. Let me look through yours... And I skidded it over and said.. Help yourself... I leave my phone all over the house, sometimes when I go out, I'm not bothered. He literally never let's go of his, last year he left it on side of bath, after getting out,I nipped straight in to use loo, and he was like.... What are you doing? Is my phone in there?!... Like he was worrying.
That's not normal is it ?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 29/03/2017 09:02

He frantically deleted the history so you couldn't see what he'd been looking at.

Obviously something to hide there.

BusterGonad · 29/03/2017 09:07

Now I know more it's a bit different, you see as a one off can I see your phone? It all sounds very strange but as he is very cagey and weird with it and you are suspicious then it does sound dodgy. If you've got a gut instinct in general then I expect to you are right, unless you have trust issues anyway in relationships. Iyswim!

highinthesky · 29/03/2017 09:11

Go with your gut, OP.

Whatever you say, this IS about trust. You've been storing up evidence without actually being conscious of it and this is your tipping point. But as I said before, don't torture yourself with your own imagination.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 29/03/2017 09:11

I genuinely don't Buster , we've been together 16 years, 2 kids, he's never given me reason not to trust him, but I haven't been able to shake this feeling of weirdness with him and his fucking phone!

I don't know what to say to him now, he's bound to be defensive, and probably go into the offended party mode, and I'll have to either leave it, or.....?! Fuck sake,I don't know.

OP posts:
HerRoyalFattyness · 29/03/2017 09:12

Oh bastard I'm no good at giving relationship advice, look at the state of mine (Well, what was mine!)
All I will say is that sounds dodgy as fuck and you should trust your gut.
(((Hugs)))

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 29/03/2017 09:13

Thanks Fatty I'll take the hug Smile

OP posts:
PrettyGoodLife · 29/03/2017 09:23

It does sound odd - but being an optimist, is there any chance he is preparing a surprise for you? Or other innocent explanation? I hope so!

StarryIllusion · 29/03/2017 09:24

Does he KNOW that you'd have no problem with run of the mill porn, op? Have you ever actually had a conversation to that effect? If not then that may be what he was deleting. Perhaps he has a specific kink that is nothing bad but that he is embarrassed about.