Boyfriend getting a female lodger aibu?

[VIX1307]

My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. He has had his own place now for over a year after his flatmate moved out. AIBU to be upset that he is now getting a female lodger in before asking me? He said hes doing it to help her out (its a girl he knows very distantly through a friend) as she is in the area for work. I told him i was upset that he would be happy for her to move in before asking me to move in. He said it was because the extra money would be nice and he wouldnt ask me for rent (despite me being perfectly happy to pay it) i am upset about it but im worried im being unreasonable by doing so. I would really appreciate your thoughts and if im being completely ridiculous.

Do you live with him full time ?

I think that if he isn't ready from r you two to live together after two years.... Then he's not ready.

How old are you both?

No i still live at home but would love nothing more than to take the relationship to the next stage and move in together

He is 34 and i am 29

I wouldnt like it. Dh wouldnt like me to have a male flate mate either.

I know on mumsnet many people would be fine with it.

Yabu

Shell have her own room and pay rent. Totally different to asking you and you don't want to be asked just cos he needs the money.

Do you trust him?
Would you care if it was a guy?
Do you normally expect him to ask your permission to do stuff?

How old are you?

So if I read this right the issue is not your concerned about him living with another female. Your issue is you want to live with him and he doesn't want that?

I think there is a huge difference in getting a lodger and living with a partner.

If you wish to live together then you need to sit and talk about that. And it needs to be separate from the lodger issue.

i think if it's his home and you do not live there, he doesn't need to ask your permission to get a lodger, although it would have been nice of him to discuss it with you.

He's not ready to live with his girlfriend.

Oh sorry just seen your update. If at 34 and 29 and 2 years together he didn't want me to move in and instead asked a random, yes I would be pretty pissed off.

YANBU.

Why doesn't he want you to move in together?

Obviously though you can't force someone to want to move in with you. After that amount of time and at that age, I'd be making my exit . I wouldn't force him but if you both want different things you should find someone who wants the same as you

YANBU

I think its a bit of both. The fact its a girl makes it worse but i would be upset if it was a male too. I trust him but it just makes me feel uneasy thinking of them cooking together and watching tv together and the intimacy of it i suppose.

He doesn't want what you want. He doesn't want you living with him.

Talk to him. Find out what is plans are for the relationship and if they aren't chiming with yours then pull the plug.

Do you think op the reason he didn't talk to you about it, is because he knows you wish to live together and he doesn't want that?

I'd assume he saw it as his home his decision and totally unrelated to the fact he doesn't want to move the relationship on to this level, that that is a seperate discussion.

On a seperate note if you can afford rent, why do you still live at home, I assume with your parents?

If he wanted to, you could be living with him. He doesn't want that. I'm really sorry. Him choosing another woman to live with is just adding insult to injury.

The fact is that if a 34 year old man isn't ready to live with his girlfriend after being together for two years, the girlfriend needs to end the relationship.

Sometimes ending the relationship forces the guy to figure out what he really wants. Whether you'll still be interested then, is something he needs to consider. Please don't act like you've won a prize if he agrees to living with you, though!

I suppose in a way it has seemed pointless to me paying to live in a flat share (i couldnt afford to live alone) if i am staying at his 3 nights a week (and hoping it was coming to the point where he would ask me) clearly i was wrong

YANBU
I think he should have checked how you felt beforehand.
Lodgers and landlord don't usually cook together though. I think you're building pictures up in your mind about it, but after 2 years together... And you are not teenagers... I'd be wondering where the relationship is headed.

I don't agree that it's a cast of you not trusting him either, as you're perfectly normal and reasonable to feel upset about it.

At your age, after 2 years if he's not asking you to move in together, it's going nowhere. Don't waste any more of your life on this.

Move on while you still have eggs (assuming you want children).

If he owns his own house and you still live with your parents, moving in with him throws up all sort of financial issues (mainly for him).

You do realise him having a lodger and you moving in, are not mutually exclusive?

YABVU. He'll get more income from her if she's renting as a lodger.
Don't let jealousy, kill the relationship at such an early stage

He is acting like its not a big deal so said he even think to check with me. Its a Monday to Thursday rent (if this makes a difference) and he just sees it as a bit of extra pocket money and said he didnt even think it would be a problem so didnt ask (she also has a boyfriend)

Shes paying him £400 a month. I just feel confused about it all!

If you want children and he's like this at 34, I'd move on. I seriously would. Much easier, too, because you are not living together. Seriously, you are wasting your time. Stop hoping and waiting. Take back control of your life.