Boyfriend getting a female lodger aibu?

[VIX1307]

My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. He has had his own place now for over a year after his flatmate moved out. AIBU to be upset that he is now getting a female lodger in before asking me? He said hes doing it to help her out (its a girl he knows very distantly through a friend) as she is in the area for work. I told him i was upset that he would be happy for her to move in before asking me to move in. He said it was because the extra money would be nice and he wouldnt ask me for rent (despite me being perfectly happy to pay it) i am upset about it but im worried im being unreasonable by doing so. I would really appreciate your thoughts and if im being completely ridiculous.

[ScouserSam]

My exP had a female lodger and it was absolutely fine - no issues but if he chose a lodger over possibly moving in with me then I might be a bit miffed!

[llangennith]

You need to have the talk with him about where he sees your relationship going in the next few weeks.
Then ditch him.

[BonnyScotland]

I wouldn't be happy....

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

I suppose in a way it has seemed pointless to me paying to live in a flat share if i am staying at his 3 nights a week

You're 29 years old & would rather live with your parents than in a house-share?
That isn't very attractive.
Perhaps if you lived in a house-share you wouldn't be so
immaturely jealous of him having a female lodger.

(i couldnt afford to live alone)

So instead of focusing on making a more financially stable future for yourself, you're expecting a man to provide it all for you?
It looks like you're going from being dependent on 'daddy' to being dependent on 'sugar daddy.

Basically you're expecting your bf to take on the role of your parent - no wonder he doesn't want to live with you.

[SlickSock]

My now DH took on a female lodger a few months into our relationship. I was very uncomfortable with it but didn't realise I would be when he first mentioned it.

It's the little things, I'd go over and items would be referred to as 'ours'. She'd have her underwear drying in the kitchen (flat). They soon became good friends and would regularly share a bottle of wine of an evening, get takeaways, go to the cinema, food shopping, etc. to anyone else looking in, they would have appeared to be in a relationship.

In the end I told him how uncomfortable it made me, especially as I felt like the third wheel when visiting. I still felt ridiculous as none of it would have bothered me had she been male. He was mortified and reacted brilliantly, luckily. It isn't a nice situation to be in though for either of you.

[donajimena]

I had a serious boyfriend who took a female lodger without even mentioning it. It turns out I was the only party who thought it was serious. I was dumped a few months later. It wasn't anything to do with the lodger.

[Trills]

Possibly along the lines of being cautious about giving up their independence to move in with a 29 year old who wasn't even currently paying rent

I agree with golfbuggy on that point - I would never choose to move in with someone who had not lived independently of their parents.

[Trills]

He doesn't want you to move in with him.

[RockinHippy]

YABU to have an issue with him taking on a female lodger, he's renting out a spare room to her for a while, not asking her to marry him.

YADNBU if at your ages, this has made you look more closely at your relationship with him & realise he is an eternal teenage type & if you want more, you are probably wasting your time with this one.

Time to move on, not in

[Bluntness100]

I suspect if the genders were flipped in this and the person renting a room out was female and her male partner (who still lived at home with his parents) was kicking up a fuss, that OP would be getting rather different responses. Possibly along the lines of being cautious about giving up their independence to move in with a 29 year old who wasn't even currently paying rent

I'd agree with this.

Op I think it sounds like you have your life on hold waiting to move in with this guy.

Keep seeing him by all means, but move out of your parents home, get some independence, your own place. In my view still living with your mum and dad at 29 should only be done as a last resort.

Time to take control.

[ClopySow]

I was going to type it all out but Ellisandra said it all.

[ohfourfoxache]

I don't think yabu. After 2 years, and especially at 34, you'd think things would progress a bit more.

Move on. Do you really want to spend your life waiting around for someone who can't even give you reassurance when you need it?

[golfbuggy]

I suspect if the genders were flipped in this and the person renting a room out was female and her male partner (who still lived at home with his parents) was kicking up a fuss, that OP would be getting rather different responses. Possibly along the lines of being cautious about giving up their independence to move in with a 29 year old who wasn't even currently paying rent.

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

YABVU, a lodger is purely for income and can be given notice at any time.

I'd not want my son moving in a girlfriend who lives at home still as doesn't earn enough to live alone as he'd have to take the financial burden which is unfair. Likewise wouldn't want my daughter to either.

Maybe he just wants a casual relationship, upto you if you want the same. He's under no obligation to move you in or subsidise you living away from your parents.

[Shayelle]

Yanbu

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

He sounds pretty dismissive towards you. Didn't discuss this, calls you emotional (like that is a bad thing) to shut you up, and tells you to stay away instead of getting your input with a "what do you think?". From here, it looks like you are fwb instead of in a serious relationship.

Imho, 2 years +/- is shit or get off the pot time. Looks like he is getting off, but may not want to be the "bad" guy or wants to try to have something set up to avoid a gap.

I think it is also telling that he has not felt the need to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about. One would think a caring partner would be sensitive to this development and say something. That silence is deafening.

[Ellisandra]

It's silly to say "so he doesn't want to live with you but will with a stranger"

A part time, lucrative (£400 a month tax free!) stranger can be asked to leave anytime.

Vs a girlfriend who'll be there full time and who it will be awkward as fuck to deal with if he changes his mind about being there.

Yeah, that's the same

It doesn't matter that she's female.
It doesn't matter that he wants to give her the first night without you there (I think that's good manners)
It doesn't even matter that after 2 years he doesn't want to live with you - it's not that far into a relationship.

What does matter is that you're all wishing and hoping about living together and too scared you'll lose him if you do anything other than mope about day dreaming about it.

If you really think your relationship has legs, say "this lodger business has really made me realise I hoped we were moving towards living together in the very near future. That's what I want. When will the lodger move out*, and shall we live together then?"

*maybe it's a short term posting at work, otherwise it would be reasonable on her to make it only 6 months, or discuss with her that you're moving in so she needs to decide if she can cope with the dynamic of couple + lodger

[Bluntness100]

Her moving in means nothing, him wanting to give her a night to be shown everything and settle in is also unimportant, neither things are a threat to your relationship. However the fact that he doesn't seem to want to move in with you, or feel like it needs discussing says a heck of a lot about how he feels about how serious your relationship is

This.

[honeyroar]

Her moving in means nothing, him wanting to give her a night to be shown everything and settle in is also unimportant, neither things are a threat to your relationship. However the fact that he doesn't seem to want to move in with you, or feel like it needs discussing says a heck of a lot about how he feels about how serious your relationship is. I'd be unimpressed and worry about the point continuing. It's a tough one, but I'd be seriously trying to dump and move on. But it's hard.

[expatinscotland]

And tbh, if you date someone else and he comes out with that 'you're emotional' line, bin him. And don't waste another 2 years with men who show you they don't want commitment when you do.

[expatinscotland]

I'd go over there and get my stuff tomorrow if I had anything there. Saves having to see him again.

[JaneEyre70]

So he doesn't want to live with you after 2 years, but is happy to live with a complete stranger?? My DH had lodgers when we 1st met, and it was horrid. We never had any privacy or space, and spent weekends shut up in his bedroom as that was the only space we had. It was horribly intrusive, and I felt like the outsider as they were paying to live there and it was their home, not mine. After a few months, I stopped staying overnight as you couldn't get in the bathroom and there was never any milk....it was like a student digs!! He soon shifted them when my mum wouldn't let him stay over as my sister was younger than me. We were living together 8 months after we met. I think this sounds a really odd relationship OP to be honest.

[TatianaLarina]

How long does it take to run through all the relevant details? 30 mins max. Here's the kitchen, here's the bathroom, here's the boiler, this is the alarm. Rent/utilities etc. Done.

[expatinscotland]

You're at a great age to meet someone who's wanting the same things you do, VIX. He's happy being casual. It wouldn't work for me, either, so I'd ditch him and move on. I'd even do it on the phone. 'Spent a lot of Sunday thinking. We want different things in a relationship. This one isn't working for me anymore and I need to move on. I think it's time for us to part ways.' If he pulls any of the 'you're overreacting' crap, you just stay calm and say, 'No, I'm not, IMO. It's not emotion and overreacting to want a more serious relationship at our ages and after 2 years. That just shows me how mismatched we are. So I'm breaking up with you.'

And then do it.