Boyfriend getting a female lodger aibu?

[VIX1307]

My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. He has had his own place now for over a year after his flatmate moved out. AIBU to be upset that he is now getting a female lodger in before asking me? He said hes doing it to help her out (its a girl he knows very distantly through a friend) as she is in the area for work. I told him i was upset that he would be happy for her to move in before asking me to move in. He said it was because the extra money would be nice and he wouldnt ask me for rent (despite me being perfectly happy to pay it) i am upset about it but im worried im being unreasonable by doing so. I would really appreciate your thoughts and if im being completely ridiculous.

[expatinscotland]

Of course, it's not a big deal to him, he's coasting along, happy as larry with his bachelor pad and girlfriend a few nights a week. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not what you want. He's not on the same page. Stop wasting your time! He's not bothered.

[ToastDemon]

I wouldn't say two years in was even early on in the relationship. DH and I were living together and engaged by that point. It's fair enough to want to take it to the next stage.
What does he say about timescales for the two of you living together?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

...you might not pay him rent, but surely you'd split the bills with him? So he'd end up better off having you there? So why exactly is a lodger a better bet?

Sounds dodgy. Sounds as though he's moved someone in double quick to avoid you asking to move in with him.

[HiMyNameIsUnknown]

Sorry OP but I think he's sending a message that he's not looking to commit by not even discussing it with you. I was living with & engaged to my DH within 2 years.

If you are looking for long term commitment there are no signs he wants the same. I know of too many women who have been strung along by men who like the companionship of a relationship but have no desire to actually commit.

[BackforGood]

If you've not been talking about moving in together, then he INBU to pocket £400 a month, whilst helping a friend out, and only having to share the flat 4 nights a week. So, from that pov, YABU.

However, at 34 and 29, if you've been going out together for 2 years, I can't help thinking you would have talked about where you see the relationship going some time ago. I don't think this has anything to do with him renting a room out.

[Oblomov17]

He isn't going to propose any time soon, is he?

[VIX1307]

Clearly not. We've spoken about moving in before theoretically but never "when" so i guess i just assumed that would be the next step and tried not to push it too much by asking "ok and when exactly do you think that would be". He told me i was "being a bit emotional about it all"

[VIX1307]

Shes moving in sunday so not much i cqn do about it now. I just have to decide whether to like it or lump it

[VIX1307]

Sunday we always spend together and hes already told me its probably better i dont come over on her first night or it will "be a bit weird" argh

[expatinscotland]

'He told me i was "being a bit emotional about it all"'

And you're already dancing round him, 'tried not to push it too much'. You're playing to his tune and when you don't he starts making out that you're unreasonable/emotional/pushing/etc. Because he's not on the same page. He's happy coasting along with you. You want more than that. And you deserve it. Please start making plans to break off with him or better yet, do it now.

[SuperBeagle]

He sounds like he wants to stay 21 forever.

Move on. He won't change.

[Bluntness100]

I also agree the issue is not he's taken a lodger, the issue is fundamentally you wish to live with him and he doesn't want to live with you and him taking s lodger has made that very apparent to you, neither of you can really pretend any more you're on the same page in terms of the relationship.

I think you need to look st what you want from life,,,marriage, children? You're 29 and this guy doesn't even want to live together, never mind propose, get married, start a family. So it's really your call on whether you invest more time with him or not.

[expatinscotland]

'Sunday we always spend together and hes already told me its probably better i dont come over on her first night or it will "be a bit weird" argh'

WTF?! C'mon. He's playing you like a harp from hell. 'Actually, I'm finding it a bit weird I'm wasting my time on this relationship that's becoming a joke. It's probably better I don't come over at all anymore. It's definitely better for me. This relationship doesn't work for me anymore so I'm moving on. Best of luck to you. -VIX'

[Beargrillthus]

29 is an AMAZING age for meeting someone new! You can easily go a few years younger or older. Your dating pool is starting to get a bit more settled in life,career, finances, and will be open and looking to meet others in a similar position( without the baggage of divorces etc)
This guy is just going to tie up your time and stop you meeting someone who meets your needs,

[anxiousnow]

I agree with the other poster who said it doesn't have to be one or the other. If you moved in, you would be in his room so it wouldn't affect the part time lodger. This was just something that came up and not that he was looking for a lodger. I do think it is really strange that he asked you not to come over on Sunday though! I also think you two should be discussing moving in together although this issue came up with the lodger randomly.

[ImperialBlether]

Now if he'd said, "Why don't you come over the nights she's here" then all would've been good. However, he's told you immediately not to be there! If you're his girlfriend, why shouldn't you be there?

Honestly, OP, I'd dump him. You'll find yourself in the position of begging him for more - please don't do that to yourself.

[VIX1307]

I said yeah why should your life change if shes moving into your house and he just said "oh on her first night it will be stuff like showing her where the heating is turned on and where everything is, stuff like that"

[outofmydepth45]

Sounds like you are wasting your time tbh, time to ditch him and find a grown up

[Bluntness100]

Actually I think it's fair enough you are not there the first night she moves in. You don't live there and she is his lodger. They need to develop a relationship where they can compatibly live together and he hardly knows her, so needs to get to know her. She will have questions and they need to agree in certain ground rules and it's kind of awkward doing that with a couple v one land lord.

I personally wouldn't wish to be there the first night and would want him to be able to adjust to his new housemate, so I'd have been the one to say I won't be over Sunday, get her settled in.

However I think it again shows the difference in your views on the relationship. The fact he has to tell you and the fact you wish to be there. It shows your miles apart on your views.

[Mutella]

He's putting distance between you.

Whether you split up over this or not 29 is a good age to meet somebody who wants the same things

[BackforGood]

I agree with Bluntness

[TatianaLarina]

It's bizarre that he doesn't want you to be there when she moves in. Until this point, the fact that she's female was irrelevant. But that makes me wonder what this is all about.

To look at it from the other perspective - I wouldn't feel comfortable if a guy in whose flat I was a new lodger blew his gf off so he could spend the evening with me.

[InTheMoodForLove]

maybe you do not live in a big city but to me it sounds pretty reasonable that if he has the space to make use of it and get the extra cash
it sounds like he wasn't looking for a lodger but someone suggested this person and he went for it. Nothing unusual or to be upset about in my opinion.

If you wanted to live together that is another topic of conversation altogether. If you can afford to pay rent maybe it is a good idea to go and rent by yourself. Independence sure thing puts a lot of stuff into perspective, including renting the spare room.

[expatinscotland]

You're at a great age to meet someone who's wanting the same things you do, VIX. He's happy being casual. It wouldn't work for me, either, so I'd ditch him and move on. I'd even do it on the phone. 'Spent a lot of Sunday thinking. We want different things in a relationship. This one isn't working for me anymore and I need to move on. I think it's time for us to part ways.' If he pulls any of the 'you're overreacting' crap, you just stay calm and say, 'No, I'm not, IMO. It's not emotion and overreacting to want a more serious relationship at our ages and after 2 years. That just shows me how mismatched we are. So I'm breaking up with you.'

And then do it.

[TatianaLarina]

How long does it take to run through all the relevant details? 30 mins max. Here's the kitchen, here's the bathroom, here's the boiler, this is the alarm. Rent/utilities etc. Done.