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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I drive myself crazy thinking he's cheating all the time or does it get better?

58 replies

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 12:29

I'm a first time poster so please be easy with me. After someone cheats does the trust come back or will I be questioning everything forever? It's been nearly 2 years and I still don't trust him. If he's late or doesn't pick up the phone I think he's up to no good. If he says anything I assume he's lying. It's like I'm waiting to find out he's done it again. I don't show this in my behaviour, all is well in that regard. I don't bother him with it as I know it's for me to deal with or leave.
I would like to think it will get better but after 2 years I don't know if it will ever happen. So can you ever trust them fully again or am I longed to wait for another fuck up? Thanks

OP posts:

gamerchick · 14/03/2017 12:37

Well I didn't... I was all what's good for the goose....

It's personal I think. I believe after 2 years and if it's still causing anxiety on that level it's time to part.

Maybe give yourself a time frame?

Happybunny19 · 14/03/2017 12:47

Does he do anything to reassure you? How has he changed his behaviour since? I think unless he's made every effort to acknowledge all blame and gone out of his way to show you he wants only you you'll never get past it. You sound like you're taking it all on yourself, but this situation is of his making.

HebeBadb · 14/03/2017 12:53

It's no life. You're not happy now
And you've given it two years.

What happened to you gamerchick, did you cheat too and only then feel order was restored enough to clean the slate and try again

Nutterfly · 14/03/2017 12:58

It didn't come back for me, although I really, really tried.
In the end, I caught him cheating again, and the relationship ended.
However, my self-esteem went down the tubes in the mean time. It's really hard constantly fighting against your own instincts and feelings.

caffelatte100 · 14/03/2017 13:19

Can you talk to him about this? In a healthy and loving relationship, you should be able to and he should be able to reassure you. Is he doing anything to make you suspicious?

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 14/03/2017 13:28

It will get better. I trust my husband absolutely (and he works away a lot) and that's not something I thought I would ever say or feel again. It took six long years though. We're 12 years post I don't even think about it anymore either. Good luck OP. Do you know that (despite what you read on MN) most women stay with a attend after infidelity. That's really surprised me but gave me untold hope.

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 14/03/2017 13:29

*a attend??? Should read 'partner'

Original poster

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 14:42

I can't really talk to him about it as it will cause arguments, he's of the mindset that what's done is done and no need to bring up the past. He did reassure me when I found out. He believes that we should look to the future.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 14:50

Btw thanks for the replies. Like i said I'm new here so sorry for any mistake.
I never thought I would stay with someone who has cheated and i think that plays a big part in how I'm feeling. I don't understand how someone can lie to your face and pretend that everything is fine. Why do that to me? Why didn't he leave? Why didn't he tell me? I have given myself 6 months to see how i feel because i can't go on like this forever, it's extremely tiresome.

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 14/03/2017 14:54

It's funny isnt it that ALL cheaters are very very keen on the "whats done is done" philosophy but usually will ALSO say the cheating was in part because of what their partner did/didnt do over the last x months/years.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/03/2017 14:55

he's of the mindset that what's done is done
Of course he is because he did it.
I wonder how he would feel if it was reversed and it was you who had cheated?
Do you have DC together?
After 2 years I'd say you won't get the trust back.
It takes a lifetime to rebuild broken trust and it sounds like he isn't doing anything much to rebuild it.

I've ended 2 relationships (15 years and married with DC and recent ExP after 4 years) because I knew I could never trust them again.
I was like a psycho detective recently and that's no way to live.
Gone and gone!!!

Ellisandra · 14/03/2017 15:01

I think the reason you can't trust him now, isn't just the fact that he is a cheat, but also that he is doing nothing to make you trust him.
You're not allowed to talk about it.

He fucks up - massively! - and you just have to put up with it and get in witness life

What's done is done?

I'd be saying "what's done is done, you can change it. It's in the past: which means it will always be there - and that's why I'm dumping you"

You don't trust him, and with good reason:

He cheated
He really isn't remorseful

Original poster

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 15:04

Yes 3dc and 15yrs together. I am a very free spirited person and the thought of living the rest of my life like this is unfathomable. We were arguing a lot around the time it happened and that could have been the "reason" it happened or that could of been the reason we were arguing, i think the latter but he would say otherwise.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 15:06

But let me say not much as an excuse more of an....... explanation of why it happened

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 15:10

I thought this would make things a bit clearer and it has but not in the way i imagined. I will still continue with the 6 months timeline and try to talk to him, that way i will know for myself that i tried and no regrets from me

OP posts:

Tenpenny · 14/03/2017 15:14

In my experience once you are at this Level of distrust and driving yourself mad with it, the relationship is done.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/03/2017 15:20

Have you had couples counselling/therapy?
You are right, you were probably arguing because of the affair.
They seem to start like that for some reason.
Do you have full transparency of all his devices?
Can you access his email, phone, ipad when ever you want?

CharlieBoo · 14/03/2017 15:22

I'm 10 months on and the trust has totally gone.. my dh still has to work with the OW which makes it incredibly hard. My husband is the same, very defensive if its mentioned again. I don't know what the answer is, and I also don't think I can carry on living like this..I'm so miserable.. no answers here, but lits of sympathy and understanding

RockyBird · 14/03/2017 15:26

I have some good news for you, the anxiety and distrust does not carry on to your next relationship. That was a huge relief to me.

Good luck op.

SewMeARiver · 14/03/2017 15:30

CharlieBoo him continuing to work with the OW would be a deal breaker! Why does he have to work with her?

Original poster

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 15:32

No couples counseling, i never wanted to go. I don't see the point in checking his devices as I know how good he is at hiding things so I would just add to my problem by looking and not finding anything. If someone came to me tomorrow and told me he has slept with Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell and Kim kardashian I'd seriously have to think about it

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 15:34

Thank you again for your replies

OP posts:

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 14/03/2017 15:41

I tried and failed at this, spent 6 years trying to stop having those thoughts, but it never went away really. In the end, I read his emails, once, and found he had a woman staying the night (he was emailing someone else about popping over for a drink...). I rang him, so he could mention it (and then I'd have convinced myself it was all above board...), but he didn't, and when I asked about his plans, he said quiet evening in on his own...then I wondered how many more lies I'd listened to, if I'd found this on one snoop!
I think some people can reform, but for me, I wish I hadn't given him another chance. Sorry I can't give a more upbeat answer OP

Adora10 · 14/03/2017 15:42

Unbelievable, they cheat and they tell the injured and hurt beyond belief to get over it; these men are not sorry, if they were they'd be moving hell and earth to make you happy, not forcing you to ask advice on the net.

Do yourselves a favour and value yourself above these cheaters because they very rarely change, it's in their DNA.

Remember, they broke it and there's never an excuse for it; it's a choice they make.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/03/2017 15:45

It might be a good idea for you to have counselling (on your own).
See if you can come to terms with all of this.
Give you some coping strategies.
Worth looking into. It may highlight to you that you don't want to keep trying.

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