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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I drive myself crazy thinking he's cheating all the time or does it get better?

58 replies

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 12:29

I'm a first time poster so please be easy with me. After someone cheats does the trust come back or will I be questioning everything forever? It's been nearly 2 years and I still don't trust him. If he's late or doesn't pick up the phone I think he's up to no good. If he says anything I assume he's lying. It's like I'm waiting to find out he's done it again. I don't show this in my behaviour, all is well in that regard. I don't bother him with it as I know it's for me to deal with or leave.
I would like to think it will get better but after 2 years I don't know if it will ever happen. So can you ever trust them fully again or am I longed to wait for another fuck up? Thanks

OP posts:

CharlieBoo · 14/03/2017 15:54

SewMeaRiver he is a high earner and so is the OW... he's been looking for another job since last year but it's a niche area, not making excuses for him, I wanted him to resign at the time and but he wouldn't, and I was weak and still am...

Hissy · 14/03/2017 16:07

Charlie, he has no business being defensive, he has to understand that to survive this, he has to accept and shoulder all of the pain and hurt he caused, for as long as it takes for you to trust him again.

He also needs to give you the power in the relationship and understand that even with all the above, you might still not make it.

Have you thought about having some time to yourself? Rent something for a while?

miniatureegg · 14/03/2017 16:23

I could have written this. Yep right down to the no point in checking devices.. he's too smart for that.

No idea what the outcome will be for us all.

CharlieBoo · 14/03/2017 16:28

The problem with my H is that I found him out lying and went in with what I had too quickly, so he explained a lot of it away (he's a damn good liar which I had never realised before). I was in complete shock and denial but he still has to work with her, well she works for him. I could get a job with the MI6 but now he knows I'm onto him he covers his tracks so much... I'm so unhappy though and hate to think of myself being a fool or people st his work feeling sorry for me.. I would never leave this house, he'd have to leave..

Iamyourmotheryours · 14/03/2017 16:39

You won't ever forget what has happened and it's a calculated risk to stay with someone who has cheated. Has he shown any remorse, tried to reassure you?

Original poster

Bluegreenyellow1 · 14/03/2017 16:45

I have looked into counselling on my own but never really perused it, I thought I could handle it on my own.

OP posts:

Lotsofponies · 14/03/2017 16:59

It's dreadful to feel like this. My partner was unfaithful to me 2 half years ago. I am not over it, I trust him in so far as I am pretty certain he is not cheating, nor would he again. BUT the hurt and disappointment still linger. My partner has been transparent and has taken responsibility for his behaviour . He has tried to be emotionaly open and honest with me but it's something he finds challenging, but the the fact he tries makes me think it's worth trying.

From what you say it seems as though your partner has brushed it under the carpet. Yes there does come a time when you have to let go of the past, but not until, you have dealt with it and processed it. I would recommend counselling, or at the very least try reading some self help books. Not just friends by Shirley Glass is good. It may help to clarify your mind with regards where you want to go.

SewMeARiver · 14/03/2017 16:59

Charlie it is simply unacceptable for you to have to live with the daily torture of him going to work and being around the woman he was shagging. The fact your DH has covered his tracks, none of it us good for your peace of mind. If it were me I'd drive myself insane wondering what they're saying, doing, how they look at each other etc. I hope you can gradually get the strength to stand up for yourself. Getting angry helps. But I can understand if you love him and don't want to rock the boat at the mo

AgathaF · 14/03/2017 17:03

Your initial hurt, and your continued hurt are palpable in your posts. Your walking on eggshells to keep your hurt, your fears hidden from the person who caused them is a sad thing to read.

It appears that you have two options. One is that you will continue in the same way, covering your hurt, hiding your worries, fearing the future whilst he gets on with his life pretending it never happened. Two is that you cut your losses now, rip the sticking plaster off, and move on to a place of living your own life without this hanging over your head constantly.

Of course, there is really a third option. That is where he accepts the destruction and pain he caused, accepts that it doesn't get swept under the carpet no matter how much he would like it to be, and steps up to the challenge of mending the relationship he broke. But, I don't think he's going to do that easily. Unless maybe he genuinely thinks he is on the cusp of losing what he has, and actually starts to own his mistakes and sets about putting them right. Can you see him doing that in any circumstances, what would it take from you to force that?

Strawberryjam34 · 14/03/2017 17:08

I am recently divorced from my cheating scum bag of an ex and it is been really, really tough (16 years together). Whenever I am having a down day, and there have been many, I think of the alternative life I could be living if I had stayed with him. One where I am continually wondering where he is, what he is doing and if he is cheating on me! While my self esteem and confidence continues to plummet! While at the same time I am working full time (as the main breadwinner), running the household, looking after the children and generally being an on-tap babysitter while he does what he wants, when he wants. Not much of an offer is it!
This quickly bring me back to reality and makes me realise that I am so much better off without him. The second option is no life - it is not fair on my children or me as an individual! Life is for living, not worrying, he had he chance with me and unfortunately he blew it. I will stick with someone I can trust implicitly - and that person is ME.

My ex was the same didn't want to talk about it, it was in the past blah, blah, blah! He is in a relationship (this makes me laugh) now with the OW and I hope they are both getting a bit of the worry and stress I went through. As they both sit and wonder who is going to cheat next - as they both have form! Once a cheat always a cheat - it will all depend on which of them will need their ego massaged first! I will just sit and watch from the side lines content, that I have done the best for myself and my children.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 14/03/2017 17:16

The 'reason' he cheated has fuck all to do with your arguing. Absolutely sweet fuck all. The reason is because he's the kind of man who cheats. He should be working his damn ass off to prove to you that he's changed. Get home on time, pick up the phone, etc. If he can't be bothered to do these simple things, kick him to the kerb. You can't waste your life like this.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/03/2017 17:23

Absolutely Strawberryjam
My Ex OW has cheated and he is a big fat cheat so they will both be wondering what's going on with each other at some point in the future.
Good, I hope they both implode from the stress of it all.

HebeBadb · 14/03/2017 17:25

Wow Strawberry, well rid of that shit 'deal'

microwave · 14/03/2017 17:48

Sorry your still feeling like this I think I would be exactly the same.

Did you ever get the answers, the whole truth regarding the affair or was all the details just brushed away? I think personally myself I would have to know everything to even think about moving on

Dontsayyouloveme · 14/03/2017 18:24

Almost a year to the day he told me about a very brief meangless affair, I called it a day! I feel like a huge dark cloud has lifted and a world of new opportunities has opened up in front of me! I half trusted he wouldn't do it again but it still ate me up every day! ! Life is way too short to be living like that so I told him so! I'm hoping one day I'll be in a secure, open, honest relationship with a proper man who can face up to shit instead of running off and shagging the nearest fugly women for an escape! Onwards and upwards!

NotTheFordType · 14/03/2017 21:38

Most people cheat, so you're going to have this internal dialogue with anyone.

You'd be better off deciding for yourself "how can I retain my sense of self when my OH bangs someone else"

Spoiler: already be banging someone else yourself.

gamerchick · 14/03/2017 22:02

Speak for yasell ford most people do not cheat.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 14/03/2017 22:04

NotTheFordType I think there is a high chance you're right.

It's a scary concept to me.

HebeBadb · 15/03/2017 08:43

I honestly don't think any of my 4 long term bfs cheated. The 3rd was a total arsehole mind you.... but nope he didnt cheat.

The 2nd, we ended up not having sex and still he didnt cheat. We had a frank discussion as we split. Nothing to lose no high emotions no recriminstions no jealousy we both just wanted out, and neither of us had cheated despite nothing going on in the bedroom.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/03/2017 09:11

NotTheFordType Well I've never cheated.
I know plenty of people who haven't cheated.
I also know plenty who have.
It's happened to me as well.
I don't think it's most people but there is a lot of crap and cheating going on out there.
That is why I intend to stay single for a good while.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 17/03/2017 16:04

OP - are you alright? What are your thoughts now?

Adora10 · 17/03/2017 16:18

Most people cheat

I smell BS.

ohforfoxsake · 17/03/2017 17:34

Once it's written into your history you can't pretend it didn't happen.

He simply isn't sorry enough to put the effort in that's needed to build trust again. He doesn't even get that he needs to.

Go to counselling on your own. It will help you get clarity. It will give you the clarity to move on - on your own. I highly doubt you can do it together from what you've said.

I found a wonderful therapist using the counselling directory. I'm not a fan of Relate, although I did have a helpful phone session when i found out XH had cheated (again) and I called time on my marriage.

I'm on the otherside. It's fine. Better even.

SandyY2K · 17/03/2017 18:40

I just posted this on another thread, but the attitude of get over it and what's done is done are not the actions of a person who is truly remorseful.

It just shows he doesn't understand the magnitude of his cheating.

You need to give yourself a time frame in which to decide if it's deal breaker.

He should be reassuring you when he's late and it shouldn't be a case of him getting angry or it causing arguments.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
S/He must feel your pain.
S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

nonameinspiration · 17/03/2017 19:03

I made myself ill over it and the trust didn't come back. It got worse though it was about my processing of it all. I think when it happened I went in to panic survival mode and got through it but when the dust settled it really hit me hard. I stayed about 4 months

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