Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ball is in his court....or is it??

60 replies

Frothyfreddie · 28/02/2017 22:59

So I have a gorgeous F.@k buddy. We both have busy lives and get to see each other usually monthly.

Last time we messaged FB asked when we would see each other again, he wanted to know would it be weeks/ months, I said I would buy him some cake for his birthday (that was about 7 weeks away at the time). He didn't respond to the message.... no big deal, I know he is still 'around'.

Anyway, the ball is now in his court isn't it?
Or do I text and wish him a happy birthday and ask him out for cake? I feel like he isn't interested in a woman who chases which makes me not want to text BUT it's s significant birthday so I don't want to seem like a cold bitch who wouldn't wish him happy birthday.

So.... do i text him with a simple happy birthday and leave it there? Or add an invitation for a coffee?

OP posts:
Original poster
Frothyfreddie · 28/02/2017 23:07

Bump

OP posts:
Theawkwardones · 28/02/2017 23:08

Sounds like he was hinting at seeing you sooner, I think I'd send him a message along the lines of "Happy Birthday let me know when you're next free" and then the ball is definitely in his court

georgethecat · 28/02/2017 23:09

Mmmm I'd probably go with happy birthday but tbh you sound a bit emotionally invested?
Isn't the fuck buddy thing supposed to be no emotion?

Just take care of yourself (speaking from experience!)

NarcsBegone · 28/02/2017 23:12

He's a fuck buddy, my understanding of that is its uncomplicated sex. The point as I understand it is its sex without the relationship and/or the mind melting games.
I'd text to say you have cake for him and perhaps he'd like to eat it off you.

Whisky2014 · 28/02/2017 23:13

Fuck sake. If you want to see him, just tell him.

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and remember straight after I was dropped home from our first date, he text me and said "i would love to see you again, when are you next free?". Soooo refreshing and grown up to just not play silly games.

Whisky2014 · 28/02/2017 23:14

An yy it's clear you want more.

Original poster
Frothyfreddie · 28/02/2017 23:19

Yes I think I am emotionally invested :-/..,. I think I'm still a FB to him....I guess I'm hoping for more but not sure it ever will. He likes to dangle the 'love' carrot from time to time, having deep conversations with me and asking questions like 'do you know when you are in love?' Which totally mind fucks me....does he mean he's asking if I'm in love with him? Is he falling in love with me? Ugh....confusing.

So from all the lovely advice, I feel like I should text him on his birthday, something along the lines of, Happy Birthday insert name, I hope you have something lovely planned today, x'. Well? What do you think?
No mention of a meet up on my part.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 28/02/2017 23:20

As soon as you're thinking about whether or not you can text, he is not a FB!

Ellisandra · 28/02/2017 23:22

That would not be my advice.

My advice would be firstly to decide if he's fucking with your head for an ego boost - if so, he's not decent boyfriend or FB material - cut him off.

If you don't think he fucking with you, say "I've enjoyed our times together, but I'm after a relationship now not a FB situation. Do you want to give that a go?"

If not, don't stay FB - it'll stop you moving your life on.

Original poster
Frothyfreddie · 28/02/2017 23:27

Great advice ellisandra.... I still can't work out if he is after an ego boost or if he actually might want more, he is a bit big headed and arrogant. He would say confident 🤔. His birthday is next week. I really really want to see him but I know it will be on his terms ...god now I am looking so desperate as I write this.

OP posts:
georgethecat · 28/02/2017 23:28

This is why I am old fashioned - the fuck buddy phenomenon is only 'fun' when two people are devoid of any emotion. We are humans and having emotions is what makes us real.

Please don't hang in there hoping for it develop. Find someone deserving of your loveliness to bake them cake & wish them happy birthday. Find someone deserving of your emotions.

Sorry old fart rant over, bitter & twisted from experience but also someone who has fleetingly experienced real love & knows that you should not settle for less.

NarcsBegone · 28/02/2017 23:29

I agree with ellisandra's advice. Decide what you want, lay it out and move on.

FritzDonovan · 28/02/2017 23:29

No, don't text about his birthday - it does read as if you are emotionally invested, which I imagine is one way to see off a male FB. Maybe that's why you haven't heard from him? Either straight out say you would like to see him, or stop chasing.

Original poster
Frothyfreddie · 28/02/2017 23:31

Oh I'm so confused - text or not? 😞

OP posts:
Scarftown · 28/02/2017 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 01/03/2017 07:15

Just text him, he's not going to make the first move, he's got no reason or need to

TheStoic · 01/03/2017 07:20

Do whatever you want.

I don't mean that flippantly. I'm sure he does whatever suits him. You should too. If you want to text him, text him.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/03/2017 07:24

Don't text him if you're all keen on him. You won't look cold! If he wants to see you, he'll ask to see you.

Why the 7-week wait though?

Almostthere15 · 01/03/2017 07:27

I think elliesandras advice is spot on. Do yourself a favour and find out either way. Hanging on like this is tormenting yourself. Good luck

Almostthere15 · 01/03/2017 07:27

I think elliesandras advice is spot on. Do yourself a favour and find out either way. Hanging on like this is tormenting yourself. Good luck

forumdonkey · 01/03/2017 07:32

Like PP have said, he's not a FB if you are having to wonder if to text or not. You're too emotionally involved for a FB relationship IMO. You wouldn't ask, you'd just do it if it was FWB, like you would text any other friend.

Jaynebxl · 01/03/2017 07:32

I absolutely would text him for his birthday. Why not? Loads of people will do the same without looking for a relationship with him. And I'd even say let me know when you're free since he already asked you about meeting up.
But then I would also have a think about what I wanted out of the relationship and if it's more than fb then at the next meet up I'd look for a chance to take things further.

Kittencatkins123 · 01/03/2017 07:37

Hmmm. I think as soon as you start to develop feelings this stops working. It might be that he's sensed that from your birthday cake text and has backed off accordingly. Also in my long and varied dating history I've found guys often say things to suggest they want a relationship when they actually don't or subsequently change their minds and act like they never said anything of the kind.

SO - if you can take the rejection (and I guess nothing ventured, nothing gained) I would say you've developed feelings, so can't do the fuck buddy thing any more but if he wants to try having a relationship and seeing each other every week (or however often), doing actual date things then that's great. If not you've had a great time and will be moving on to find another relationship.

BUT - it really would need to change (i.e. Go public, regular hangouts, socialising as a couple, going out etc).

AND - if he doesn't want that or pretends he does then starts back-pedalling and blanking you, then you have to move on. Don't pretend you can go back to being a fuck buddy (however gorgeous he is).

It sounds like you are ready for a relationship though and it might be easier to start from scratch than to try to upgrade an arrogant confident fuck buddy?

Loopytiles · 01/03/2017 07:38

Not worth bothering further. He's not a FB: you want a relationship with him but are pretending to be a "cool girl" because he doesn't want a relationship. He dangles the carrot of lurve, and acts like he has many other options.

Nothing good in this for you.

SandyY2K · 01/03/2017 07:43

Why not cut to the chase and say what you mean. The FB arrangement isn't meant to be complicated.

Why not suggest a day to meet up and around his birthday.