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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you relocate to the US now?

75 replies

iamconfusd · 06/02/2017 11:11

Dh is offered a role within his company at a very high pay in the US. He argues that if he doesn't take this, he won't be considered for future opportunities. (His current job is well paying and he is not at risk of losing it if does not accept the one in US) My concern is as a dependant wife, I will not be allowed to work for a long time. On top of it, I have no family, friends there, and I have never visited the country. I am afraid I will have no life there. I am also concerned about current political situation in US. He says I have made this all about myself. Am I acting selfish?

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 06/02/2017 11:12

No, I wouldn't relocate there at the moment

DorkusDelonghi · 06/02/2017 11:13

Fuck no. And we have USA citizenship!

Cricrichan · 06/02/2017 11:13

Do you work at the moment and if not , were you planning to go back? It's not selfish, and it should be a mutual decision. He has a good job here so he's being selfish wanting more if it puts you in a vulnerable position.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2017 11:18

I will not be allowed to work for a long time.

And what is his response when you say this to him?

I also wouldn't put myself in a depency situation in the USA or anywhere else.

Original poster

iamconfusd · 06/02/2017 11:25

I took a break and want to go back to work desperately. He knows I am quite stressed about it. He said he won't accept this offer because I am against it. I don't know why he can't understand my concern, and sees it me being against his career. He called me unsupportive, questioned how other people relocate to US with families, and is not talking to me. I just wanted to know other perspectives. Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 06/02/2017 11:26

Do you have children together?

If you don't, and you're working now, then he's asking you to put your own career on hold for the benefit of his. How is he planning to compensate you for loss of earnings and the non-tangible career slip of having a gap of X years on your CV?

If you have DC and you think you would be fulfilled by taking a SAHP role then I'd consider it.

Would you consider him moving over there for a set period of time and continuing a LDR marriage?

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/02/2017 11:28

To be fair it would depend where in the US. If it were East or West Coast then I wouldn't have a problem as there are more diverse areas and so on.

My parents and sister live in Ohio. I WOULD NOT move there!

Original poster

iamconfusd · 06/02/2017 11:38

Allthebest, I won't be legally allowed to work/start a business on dependant visa in the US. His job will be in Texas.
Pocketsaviour, we don't have kids. I took a break for relocation before. I am from Asia. I found it very difficult to get a job, I have been very stressed. I was planning to start a business. We talked about it a week ago, and he was understanding. But now that he has this offer, he no longer understands.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 06/02/2017 11:53

So you had to give up work to be with him by moving here and now you're unreasonable to not want to relocate to somewhere where you won't be allowed to work or start a business? And if you don't have kids then you would be giving up a lot so that he could go from a great job to a better job. He's asking too much of you.

Mils45 · 06/02/2017 11:55

If it didn't mean I was giving up a career I'd do it! Is it permanent?

BonnyScotland · 06/02/2017 11:57

Yes.. absolutely ....

MakeItStopNeville · 06/02/2017 12:00

Whereabouts in Texas? If it's Austin, absolutely. I personally wouldn't want to live in most other parts as it's, well, Texas.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/02/2017 12:13

Are you planning to have kids in future? Would being in US fit in with your "maternity leave"?

If you might have children there do check what happens with your children if you want to move back to the uk and he wants the children to stay in US long term, if this situation could arise.

Are you seeking a business for financial stability/ independence or professional development, or more as a hobby career? (Not trying to be rude, but I know some wives who run a small business as a kind of hobby, with the mutual expectation that their husband will provide the family income, so in that case his career does come first).

Is his current job one he can do long term, or does he need to be promoted? What are the chances of being promoted in the UK? Are there any other locations you could mutually agree on?

SquedgieBeckenheim · 06/02/2017 12:32

Personally, no, I wouldn't move to the US now. Not with the political climate as it is.
However, it needs to be a mutual decision between you and your husband. Would it be an indefinite move or for a fixed period? This would probably sway the decision either way. If for a fixed period with no children to consider I'd probably suggest he goes and I stay. If indefinite I'd probably try to settle there if it were important to him. That way it's a case of biding time till you can set up your business.

TheNaze73 · 06/02/2017 12:36

If the money was right, then yes

Silentplikebath · 06/02/2017 13:15

Is it intended to be a long term job? I would happily relocate to the US for a year or two but no longer than that.

DearMrDilkington · 06/02/2017 13:21

Depends on the state, I've always wanted to live in Connecticut. I probably wouldn't move to Texas though..

DearMrDilkington · 06/02/2017 13:22

Ah sorry, just seen you said Texas. I probably wouldn't move there, purely because it's too gun friendly for me. There will be a lot of trump fans in Texas too.

keepingonrunning · 06/02/2017 13:47

Only because Trump is in your decision-making picture, are you Muslim (you say you are from Asia)?

schnubbins · 06/02/2017 14:06

I moved with my husband as a dependent wife when the kids were small.We spent 5 years there .Although I was also nervous about the move decided to go for it realising that life is so short and one should take every chance that comes .It was difficult at first to settle in but we had a wonderful time there .Decided then to move back for various reasons (health insurance costs being the main one as our son had had a tumour and so a pre existing condition) I missed it so much and never really settled back here but I am so so glad we had the experience .Life is not all about work and you realise that when you reach 50 as I am now.We were on the west coast in California and Bush was elected for the second time while we were there.Will never forget that.

Dadaist · 06/02/2017 14:07

Well it sounds like a fabulous opportunity to me? If he's earning great money - would you really want to work? You could get involved in voluntary work instead - I'm sure I would. I'd see it as a chance of a lifetime to experience another part of the world! You'll still have contact with friends and family - and you'd get to meet new people too? No different to moving anywhere else in that regard.
And as for the 'political situation' - seriously? It's the same place with the same people and the same culture - whether they'd elected Trump or Clinton. And the majority voted for Clinton. It's no more dangerous than it was last year. It doesn't have to be forever does it - maybe a year or two? I'd see it as an adventure!
Obviously you're not me OP - and you have your dreams to persue. Do you need to start up your business now? You have your whole life - who knows where it might lead?

Original poster

iamconfusd · 06/02/2017 14:08

I am not muslim, I am from India but I look like I am from middle east.
dh is not up for discussion. The moment I talked about my concerns, he wanted to end the conversation. And later said I made it my issue rather than talking about him.
dh has recently told me he does not want kids. This is a permanent role. He said we can go for short while but wouldn't say how long. He is pretty ambitious, so he wont leave the role unless he find something better. So we can be there for a very long time.
I always wanted career of my own and am professionally educated. Our current circumstances (relocation, family medical issue) made it difficult for me to have a job when I came here. Now with increasing gap, it's even more difficult. dh pays for bills, travel, etc. But we don't have any joint savings. So I am pretty much broke on my own. I am okay with that, as I don't think it's his responsibility to care for my financial future. But I want to focus on my career now. I discussed with him recently before this offer, and he seemed to be understanding. Now he is upset with me and giving me silent treatment because he thinks I am not supportive.

OP posts:

Original poster

iamconfusd · 06/02/2017 14:14

I didn't mention something. We have lots of problems in our marriage, and only recently dh agreed to do couple counselling. We have no kids and I have never been to US while dh had worked there before.

OP posts:

HerRoyalNotness · 06/02/2017 14:15

We're near Houston. It's very multi cultural here and interestingly majority in our area backed Hilary.

If it's an intercompany transfer will it be an L1 visa (normal) if so you'll have an L2 an de be able to work here after applying for an EAD as soon as your arrive (takes 3mths to get)

I don't particularly want to live here, but it is easy. Good childcare options, weather is good, is a little too hot in summer. Does get a little boring, as it's a concrete jungle and travel from here is expensive. I would like to move away, but we just applied for green cards. Ok for DH as he is working in Oz now for the foreseeable while the DC and I are stuck

sunshinesupermum · 06/02/2017 14:25

Although have lived there in the past no way would I agree to go and live in the USA now.

If there are already problems in your marriage Iamconfused the last thing you need is to be away from your family, friends and general support network if things fall apart. It is a huge upheaval to go and live/work in another country and you both need to fully want to do it.

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