Would you relocate to the US now?

[iamconfusd]

Dh is offered a role within his company at a very high pay in the US. He argues that if he doesn't take this, he won't be considered for future opportunities. (His current job is well paying and he is not at risk of losing it if does not accept the one in US) My concern is as a dependant wife, I will not be allowed to work for a long time. On top of it, I have no family, friends there, and I have never visited the country. I am afraid I will have no life there. I am also concerned about current political situation in US. He says I have made this all about myself. Am I acting selfish?

Have you been married long? Texas is a community property state if you divorce there

He is not a bad person and but has too much ego. He grew up with old fashioned Indian values. I realised this after we got married. I sometimes feel he is like child - with good heart but a little selfish. He feels I am not supportive because this is a big opportunity for him. He talks about colleagues moving to US with families. I am sure he is disappointed too. But he doesn't realise how it's going to affect me and our marriage (we already have problems). It's also about what kind of life we want. We had discussions before, we both said we value work-life balance. My understanding is that life in US is mainly around work, long working hours. A month ago he said he values life outside work more, and doesn't care much for money and titles but his actions are saying something else. His job will be very busy and is going to affect our marriage further. I can't imagine finding work right away even on L1/2 visa. I don't want to be lonely wife of a successful executive. I am also worried about political situation there. My family is in Asia. I have some friends in UK. I will be so far from my family (flight to India is over 24 hours) I don't know anyone in US. dh grew up in north america but have Indian roots. He wanted kids but our circumstances were difficult and now he thinks it's late and just informed me rather than discussing with me. I still want kids but now it seems it won't happen. I am over 35, by the time (IF) we will resolve problems I will be quite old. It's not possible to have a normal discussion about our issues without him getting very upset and leaving. It's just super complicated. I stayed with him because I love him and hoped things will improve. I grew up in India, where general perspective is that men are like this and woman has to compromise. Not every Indian thinks like that though. I don't want to claim his money. All I want is to be able to earn, have an understanding husband and some respect. AIBU? Thanks for your perspectives.

Just to answer your point:

My DH actually has far more family time in the US than at home in the U.K.

He has a much shorter commute and he finds that although people go to the office very early in the morning that actually everyone is away by 5pm.

My DH is usually home by 5:30pm here it's more like 7pm in the U.K.

It might depend on the company culture though.

All I want is to be able to earn, have an understanding husband and some respect. AIBU?

Of course you aren't unreasonable to want those things. You just aren't going to ever get them from him.

OP you will arrive there with no friends, no life. He will arrive there with something to do every morning he gets up AND people to be with. From what you've said he's not going to be emotionally supportive of you there because he already isn't. And that sort of move is tough.

He has a choice, but so do you. Your choice is a career or trailing spouse. My advice, having done international moves with a dodgy marriage - with and without kids - is go for what you want. You will feel much more stable with your own income. You can then really choose whether you want to stay in the marriage.

He takes the job and you get work here. You speak regularly and each visit as often as you can. See how it is after 3 months, 6 months - max a year. And then re-evaluate whether a) you want to be married to him and b) if you want to move. This also gives him a chance to live there for a while and see how the next 12 months pan out. He hasn't lived in Texas before and he hasn't been in Trump's America with a face that many in his state would place a negative label on.

I think your concerns are greater than not wanting to relocate to the US for political reasons. I think your relationship needs sorting out before you even consider going with him. If you want children and he doesn't, that's a dealbreaker. You can't make someone want children, nor can he expect you to hang around and forgo your desire to have children.

Texas is my favourite place in the US (particularly Austin), but I wouldn't be going for a man whose ambitions were so far away from mine, and who seemed to have no cares in the world for meeting in the middle and making compromises. If you want to go to Texas, go. But if you don't, then don't. Consider your own happiness before you consider his, or you'll regret it.

Are you going to find yourself regretting the children you did not have if you stay with him? It seems he offfers you very little in terms of what makes life worth living. You only get one go at it and an unhappy marriage is a very lonely place.

Never, never choose a man over a child, even the possibility of a child.

If you stay with him you know for sure that you will never have a child. If you leave you exchange that 'never' for a 'maybe'. Or even a 'definite yes' should you decide to have a child on your own via IVF or adoption.

Please don't give up on your own dreams.

I would not and I have relatives there. I like being able to live some of my life by walking, such as shopping and visiting the local pubs. Very few places in the US offer this.

Yes, I like being able to walk to shops, cafes too. I agree it's a very different lifestyle. I also don't like over consumerism - big houses, buying stuff all the time. I guess I can't do much about it. I have been asked if so many people can live there, why can't I. Fair point, I guess.

Acrossthepond / doom, I have accepted kids won't happen now. It's not realistic. It will take me years to recover from this and be financially independent, I don't think it's fair to have kids so late. dh also wanted kids, only recently he changed his mind. Maybe because of stress.
We went to therapist yesterday. dh complained that I was not supportive at all for this life changing opportunity. That I was going on about my stress. He feels uncomfortable talking about important stuff because I don't handle it maturely. He summarised it in such a way that I sounded quite selfish and immature (that he told me about this role right away after the call ended and I acted moody and started talking about my stress, etc.) And that he is tired of stress and it affects his day, plus he has to go to office too. I felt a bit betrayed because I was not just talking about myself. I told him I was happy that he is considered for this high role and asked him how he feels about the offer, department,etc. It was after he finished I said it's a big move, so we need to think. I know of women who are not allowed to work on dependant visa, I talked about how important it is now for me to start focussing on work now (maybe it was a mistake). Therapist didn't want to hear my details and asked me questions like if I can empathise with what dh is saying. He told me I should be very precise and clear like dh while talking of any experience. I don't know how to do that - I like to explain in details, because I want therapist to understand our issues clearly and fairly to both of us - not just my perception in one or two lines. Therapist is nice but more of a philosopher. He says we both need to stop talking and start listening. Do you think this kind of therapy can help? What about dealing with real issues? Dh and I have not been talking at all. A week ago dh wanted to prioritise our relationship above all. Now he is coming home quite late. How do I address his habit of thinking in black and white. Each time there is a disagreement, he thinks I am against him and overreacts or withdraws. I read a lot about cognitive distortions and a lot of them apply to him. I don't even know what he decided and I am too afraid to talk, don't want more fights. tbh I don't want to leave him. I love him and he is nice to me during other times. I want to improve our marriage for both of us. Is it still possible? Thanks for listening!!!

Given the state of your marriage I wouldn't go. I would also look into switching counsellor or going on your own as it appears you're not quite comfortable with the current one.

I agree with NerdyBird

My dd went to counselling with her ex to help with their co-parenting and the counsellors were not only useless but damaging. You've got look for a good fit with counsellors

I have a lot of friends from india who have upsticks and moved with family as he says. A lot are in texas. Yes, they do move with family and the wife is not working on the dependant visa (mostly it is the wife ) - this works very well when both want it.
The men usually look for the house and a huge consideration is other people living around - so friends/ coworkers will settle in one area - so that the wives have company. This is a huge thing - every newbie coming over whether long term or short term asks where should we live so my wife has company.
The aim is also partly to save money and partly to see the country - so weekends are spent driving around doing the tourist thing.(not all weekend but a lot).
Most of the men are conscious of their wives positions (bored and not much to do) and do try to alleviate it. These are the ones where it works and they seem happy. (I know there are massive generalisations in my statements - it just based on my friends and colleagues- I am from india and am in IT - so have a lot)

Your dh doesn't seem to be able to recognise this even. Unless you can discuss work/boredom/ dependency etc in a balanced way I wouldn't go.

I think your biggest issue now is the kids thing. You sound very passive and accepting of the fact that he doesn't want kids all of a sudden! Why doesn't he want kids and why are you staying with him when you do? You've got time to have kids, so focus on that.

sksinfood Wed 08-Feb-17 04:20:23
"OP you will arrive there with no friends, no life. He will arrive there with something to do every morning he gets up AND people to be with. From what you've said he's not going to be emotionally supportive of you there because he already isn't."

This.

Like yourself I relocated to the UK for dh. Even with a wholly supportive husband and being young and flexible myself, that was a tough move. The only reason I coped was because there seemed a chance that I would be able to make my way and have my own life/career there. And because I felt there had been a genuinely open discussion and I'd had a choice.

I wouldn't do it again, certainly not for an unsupportive husband and with no prospects of a fulfilling life for myself over there.

That therapist is right, you know. Things would be different if you could both listen. With the emphasis on "both". But that's not going to happen, because your husband doesn't want to listen. Therapists can only make suggestions: they can't force people to comply.

Thanks Cory How long have you been in the UK? How are you coping now?

I have been a trailing spouse for now 14 years.We are on the 3rd country now and it has been an adventure!

Moving to a new country is a challenge , but if your DH is part of a big international company there will much help and support for spouses and families.I have to say that if he has been offered the opportunity, that turning it down may not be so good for his career for that company -harsh I know but that seems the way the corporate game is played.
I would also say with experience don't go down the road of him going there and you stay-the separation is a killer and nearly cost us our marriage.

It may be a test for your marriage, but it sounds pretty stagnant just now.This may be a jolt to help you move forward together not apart.Having a raft of new experiences together is an amazing opportunity.
I suspect you would be able to work in the States and again DH company may well be able to help you with this.

I would suggest you take some time to discuss with DH as to what this opportunity means to him and what he thinks it can offer to you as a couple too.You can then discuss your thoughts about it both positive and negative.

As a last thought-at least in Texas they speak English! I am currently on language no 3 ...

To answer your opening post there is no way I would go to the USA right now and in particular Texas.

Our situation is different in that I am White and DP is Anglo Indian; we were offered an opportunity very recently and looking from all angles the extra money just wasnt worth it against work life balance etc. And as DP get 'randomly' selected for extra security check when he has to go over with work before all this Trump crap. . . . .

Saying that can I say something about your other posts

Your Husband is an arsehole and emotional and possibly financially abusive. Major life decisions are been made for you and when you've spoken up you're told that you're un-supportive...where the support for you?

I suspect your marriage will only get worse, particularly if you can't work, you will be totally dependant on him. You are in an bad relationship.

And thats a bigger issue than Texas

Your husband sounds moody and controlling and very old fashioned and you sound a little destroyed to be honest.

People don't generally change. It's so easy to stay with someone because you love them and hope they'll improve but really you're only stealing happiness from your future self.

Yes you do still have a chance to have children. It's probably small but it exists. Have you ever had counselling solo?

If I were you i'd tell your husband to go to the U.S and that you'll follow him 6 months later. Use that time to find out who you are. Have therapy. Get your strength back. You can then join him if you realise that's what you want or you can make a clean break. I suspect the latter is what you'll want to do.

I had two DC in my late 30s without any assistance. I conceived within 2 months of abandoning contraception. Don't give up on the hope of DC. If it's really what you want you need to act now. This marriage isn't fulfilling you or making you happy.

Strike out alone. Give yourself a chance to enjoy your life.

dh didn't talk to me for whole week. I went to talk and he wasn't interested. Finally said he refused to apply for the role, even though he thinks there won't be visa restrictions most likely. He says he (plus me)would have got green card even before arriving in the US through his company. He didn't check all the details but he is pretty confident. His reasons for refusing are just in case there is any problem, he doesn't want to be blamed. What does it say about our marriage?

He says he (plus me)would have got green card even before arriving in the US through his company

Well, I don't know about anything else, but I can guarantee you that that's absolute bullshit. Especially in today's environment.

I have accepted kids won't happen now. It's not realistic.

I disagree. Children have been raised in much poorer circumstances than you'd provide. And you wouldn't be 'that old' by today's standards. But of course, it's your decision.

We went to therapist yesterday. dh complained that I was not supportive at all for this life changing opportunity. That I was going on about my stress.

Meaning that it's all about him and what he wants. That you should just 'go along with the plan'.

He feels uncomfortable talking about important stuff because I don't handle it maturely.

Meaning that you don't see how much 'wiser' he is than you. In other words, shut up and do what I say.

He summarised it in such a way that I sounded quite selfish and immature (that he told me about this role right away after the call ended and I acted moody and started talking about my stress, etc.)^

See above

And that he is tired of stress and it affects his day, plus he has to go to office too.

And it's all about him, isn't it? Jerk.

Honestly, I could go on and on. Bottom line is that he thinks what he wants is more important than what you want.

I understand that he's turned down the job. But I think you can expect him to beat you over the head with that fact for years to come.

I'd still leave him. He doesn't respect or value you.

Having followed my DH to a new country where I knew no one and had no job, i would say that him understanding and supporting your fears and worries despite his excitement about his career is absolutely key. It was really rough for a good few years but we were a team
If he's going to be sulky and refuse to address your fears then no it won't work at all. If he's turned it down due to your reservations be prepared for him now feeling he has license to blame you for stunting his career and ruining his big shot.

It is extremely stressful to relocate when you only have one another and he's being unfair to dismiss your stress. When you go you'll be each other's only support far from family and friends so you have to be a team. He'll have work and you'll have nothing but if you make that massive sacrifice for his career then he has to be there for you no matter what.
As for the visa thing - am no expert but him saying he's "fairly confident" you'll be able to work is not good enough . You need to talk to an immigration lawyer and get all the info before making a decision . No way should you just arrive in a foreign country and then start looking at your options
I'd like to think if I was unable to work here it would have changed the decision to come.
To balance , I don't regret my decision to trail my spouse - we now have a great life in a wonderful country (canada) and I have a great job and now we are citizens
It took me a good 6 years to properly settle and feel I had a good solid friend network and now I don't feel homesick and actually wouldn't prefer to go home to the uk as I don't see our life being the same there
So it can work out but it has to be mutual and team based. Not just for him