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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you relocate to the US now?

75 replies

iamconfusd · 06/02/2017 11:11

Dh is offered a role within his company at a very high pay in the US. He argues that if he doesn't take this, he won't be considered for future opportunities. (His current job is well paying and he is not at risk of losing it if does not accept the one in US) My concern is as a dependant wife, I will not be allowed to work for a long time. On top of it, I have no family, friends there, and I have never visited the country. I am afraid I will have no life there. I am also concerned about current political situation in US. He says I have made this all about myself. Am I acting selfish?

OP posts:

Dadaist · 06/02/2017 14:34

Mmm - that later stuff is less good OP. If you're having problems and he's not treating you as an equal in this partnership it's going to follow you whatever you do. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone under such a cloud.
He needs to go alone - and you can visit - and discuss fixing things or separating maybe?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/02/2017 15:58

Do you want children? You said he told you he didn't want any, were you part of the discussion?

What do you want to do in life?

category12 · 06/02/2017 16:14

Tbh I would be very doubtful about such a move, given that your marriage is already rocky and you would have no opportunity to work & be independent. You'd be entirely reliant on him for money and to start with, company/a social life.

How easy would it be to get back if you fell out altogether?

I also think that in Trump's America, if you look middle-eastern, it may not be the most welcoming place. If you were to consider it, I would certainly research the area you would be moving to, how diverse it might be and its political make-up before you made that leap.

If staying here, I think I would throw myself into the business I want to start up or work, in your shoes, so that your DH cannot feel it's for nothing that he gives up the opportunity.

AppleMagic · 06/02/2017 16:22

I'm just moving back to the Uk from the US and to be honest I don't feel like the political situation is that great in either country.

As an aside, wages are much higher in the US but we've found that the cost of living is very high too.

Original poster

iamconfusd · 07/02/2017 00:47

Hopelesslydevoted, yes I wanted kids but we had problems from the beginning. I was hoping for some improvement in our marriage, I don't think it's fair to bring kids in unhealthy environment. We have extremely good and bad times. It's almost like a cycle. dh has decided he does not want kids. His reasons are it's too late. We are not very young but I have seen much older people have kids. He is still upset with me for not agreeing for this new role. In our therapy he called me unsupportive in his life changing career decision. I felt I couldn't explain my perscpective because therapist didn't want to know details. It hurts that dh doesn't care about my issues, I still love him.

OP posts:

Westfox · 07/02/2017 01:09

As a Brit in the US, we made the move 3 years ago and it was the best thing we ever did, we have no intention of ever going back to the UK, we are starting a family and a business

The political situation isn't a concern for us currently.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/02/2017 01:24

None of this sounds good, OP. He doesn't respect you. And he's decided you don't want DC? Where's your voice anywhere? This marriage is going to go down. I think you'll be better off splitting where you can at least earn a living rather than go through it in Texas where you know nobody and will be destitute.

VimFuego101 · 07/02/2017 01:32

If it's his current company, wouldn't he go on an L visa (intercompany transfer) visa? If so, you would be on an L2 and would be permitted to work after about 3 months if you apply for an EAD.

The rocky marriage you mention is a whole other question though.

Expat38matt · 07/02/2017 01:53

If he's not discussing it calmly and sensibly with you and just being stroppy then he's being a bit selfish .on the other hand it also sounds like perhaps you've immediately freaked out about it.
Sit down and go through it together.
I met my husband working in a foreign country. He was offered the job of a lifetime in another foreign country. I relocated for his job essentially having never been here and not knowing a soul.
I had the sense that if we didn't he'd never forgive me and it would always be there that he gave it up for me. Do you feel the same ?Then again I gave it all up for him and I don't think he felt that bad about it !
I won't lie it was very hard for several years but now I don't regret it at all.
However I was able to work from the get go.
I'm sorry for you as this is a very tricky stressful decision and I hope you can work it out.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2017 01:54

I wouldn't move to Texas for a mint of money, especially if I could be mistaken for being middle-eastern. That's not totally to do with Trump, they've just used him to legitimate it. Austin is a small island of blue in a sea of red and it can't change the ethos of the state. TBF, I'm Californian born and bred so I suppose I have a certain 'bias' regarding Bible-belt intolerance and Texas' belief in their own superiority. Believe me, everything is NOT better in Texas! (OhLordy, I hope my BFF isn't reading this!)

You say your marriage is 'troubled'. Do you really want to find yourself in a strange country, possibly with no support system, if things really get intolerable?

You say that he doesn't want children. What do you want? I ended a marriage because my then-husband announced that he didn't want children (there were other reasons but that was the last straw). I have never regretted that decision for one instant.

nooka · 07/02/2017 02:15

No you are not being selfish, or at least not unreasonably so. Your dh is asking you to make a huge change having already made an international move and found it difficult. His reactions do not bode at all well. If you do end up relocating again it sounds as if he is likely to be very unsupportive, and you will need a lot of support. More generally it doesn't sound as if you are moving in the same direction on a number of fronts, and it may well be that your relationship isn't going to last so this is really not a time to move to somewhere you are likely to be highly isolated. Plus if you look Middle Eastern now is not an easy time to move to the States at all and it's only two weeks into Trump, so who knows what the next few years will be like.

BradleyPooper · 07/02/2017 02:54

I'm in Houston texas, its a good place to live, very multicultural and the politics you read about in the press don't really affect my day to day life.

If your dh is moving on an L visa *(intercompany relocation), you should be on an L1 visa which allows you to work as full time as you like. You can even set up a company on an L1.... Why do you think you can't work?

Chinnygirl · 07/02/2017 03:00

I'd go on a heartbeat because I love an adventure and I'm sure DP will be good to me.

Tbh I don't know what's in the marriage for you. It sounds like he gets to decide everything. I'd work on that. Or not if you really want to have kids, then you could do better to find someone else.

BradleyPooper · 07/02/2017 03:12

Sorry, he would be on an L1 as an employee relocating to the usa with the same employer, you would be on an L2, which allows you to work in any field and full time.

bummymummy77 · 07/02/2017 03:16

Moving country won't help your marriage. It's bloody hard on a relationship that's going well!

bettyjane · 07/02/2017 03:26

Also just outside Houston, and it's ok.

As others have said if you are on L1/2 visas you should be able to work if you apply for the correct paperwork.

So in answer to your question, yes I would (and have done).

However, given the extra information about your marriage I am not sure it sounds like the right time for you to make such a big move together.

chuffingtrain · 07/02/2017 03:29

You say you are from India, there are lots of muslims in India ! but you could be a whole range of other religions, Sikh, Hindu etc.... all of which you will find in the USA, he has been offered a new role in the USA that is a good thing, Trump is bringing the country up out of the gutter and your hubby will get a piece of the action which will make him look even better, great opportunity for you both

Plunkette · 07/02/2017 03:46

I live in Texas and gave up my job to move here with my DH's job.

It's actually very nice and I have found the Texan people lovely and very welcoming.

Where I live (not Austin) has a large expat and international community. There's loads to do here, there's no need to be bored or lonely.

My concerns about moving wouldn't be around the political situation, it would be around the strength of your marriage.

My family have settled well here, made friends and are enjoying getting to see a different culture but it was hard in the early days and we needed each other.

corythatwas · 07/02/2017 10:05

"But we don't have any joint savings. So I am pretty much broke on my own. I am okay with that, as I don't think it's his responsibility to care for my financial future. "

So he won't look after your financial future but you are selfish if you want to.

Hmmm... I think I can see who is the selfish one here

What is happening about your pension, if you have given up earning opportunities to suit him? Is he paying into a pension fund for you? What would be happening about that if you went to the US?

I would absolutely not stir a foot for this man: if he won't think about your future, then you must.

MakeItStopNeville · 07/02/2017 16:41

Currently an L2 can work, but according to reports this week, that's changing and Trump wants to revert to the L2s being a trailing family that can't work. Plus it's going to be harder than ever to get an L1.

Original poster

iamconfusd · 07/02/2017 23:17

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I think I need to think very hard where I stand in this marriage. He has already started blaming for not working hard to have a career here. I think this way of thinking helps him to not feel bad for my financial condition. He offered me money to start a business but then with our frequent fights and periods of silence, I couldn't really start the business. He has not been talking since he told me about this opportunity. Today he left for office before 7am and did not come home till 11pm. This is not usual. I just received a message that he will be late. He is home now. But he didn't say why he was late. I am assuming something to do with American opportunity. If he is upset and feels wronged, then he wouldn't care at all.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2017 23:48

Send him off to Texas and tell him you'll follow in a couple of months. Then don't go.

Plunkette · 07/02/2017 23:57

It will depend on the company of course but I'm aware of a number of companies that have an option to relocate "unaccompanied". You get less increase in salary but considerably more flights home.

It's not uncommon for families with teenagers in exam years.

Would that be an option for your DH?

Would he/his company pay for a reconnaissance visit for you?

ProphetOfDoom · 08/02/2017 00:07

I love Texas but don't go if your marriage is in trouble and your roots are in the U.K.

How old are you OP? I feel very sad he's unilaterally decided you're not having children. He can change his mind later but such options are not open to women past a certain point.

Brokenbiscuit · 08/02/2017 00:11

So he has recently told you that he doesn't want children, ignoring the fact that you do want to be a parent? And he doesn't look after your financial future but thinks that you're selfish to want to live somewhere where you're legally entitled to work?

Your marriage doesn't sound like a healthy one, and I'd be very wary of relocating with him for that reason alone. The current political situation would be a further concern. Is your DH Indian as well?

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