a man who prefers needy women

[grittypetal]

what would you think of a man who prefers a needy woman to a more indepentent one? what does it say about the man? he is nice and gentle himself, is he just more comfortable knowing he is safer with someone who clings on to him?

I hear "I want someone I can control, someone who will become too dependent on my to question my shitty behaviour"

does it have to be so negative? can it not just be a sign of hidden insecurity?

What garden said

Hidden insecurity is not a good thing though. He could find a woman who is needy but doesn't stay that way. That hidden insecurity can turn into controlling to keep her that way.

My female friend likes needy men.

She likes that they rely on her to manage their life. She is quite a controlling person in her relationships with family/friends/men. Even 20 years in to our frienship she still tries it with me. It is not a nice part of who she is tbh.

Its a sign of overt, in your face insecurity that he is making someone else's problem. God forbid she shouldn't be needy enough, imagine she got a promotion at work that required a bit of travelling or something.

It screams controlling to me, sorry. Massive red flag.

I would not want to be friends with that man

I know a man like this, not pleasant, comes across as successful business man, kind, generous. He isn't, he's a manipulative liar and one of the most selfish people I've ever come across - steer well clear!

I can't see how there could be any positive aspect to it at all.

Oh I should say I wasn't involved with this man, he was a friend of my husband, so not being bitter, being factual, run to the hills op.

It's a flag for abuse.

I don't think it necessarily even matters if it comes from insecurity or a calculated wish to manipulate.

He's still going to behave badly when the woman he has picked does not behave exactly as he wishes/expects.

The insecure man could get some counselling, whereas the manipulative man doesn't want to. But he should do that before he gets together with someone. The woman should not assume that she can change him.

It fulfils a need within him. Whether a need to be needed, be in control, be the rescuer, inflate his own poor self esteem. I would also say this about a woman who prefers relationships with needy men.

An unhealthy dynamic really.

I don't think it's always abusive. My H was like this. When we were breaking up he shouted at me
"This always happens to me, I get with someone when they need me, help them get stronger and then they fuck me off!"
I said "So what does that say about your need to pick partners who are dependent on you?"

In his case it was total insecurity. I was very low in confidence when we got together and suffering greatly from past trauma. He helped me enormously. But then as I got stronger, he felt weaker. He felt that he couldn't possibly have anything to offer a strong woman.

It was so sad, because we could have become stronger together, but his insecurity drove me away.

Since then I have sought out men who are as independent and strong as I am.

Yes to the controlling thing, although I'm not sure that's the only reason out there.

I think someone could have such low self esteem themselves that they assume anyone who seems like they've got their shit together would be out of their league.

At least that's how I feel when I look back at when I was a needy mess . It wasn't that I didn't find 'together' men attractive; I just instantly dismissed them as I thought they wouldn't be interested in me. So I had a destructive relationship with a needy man because that seemed like my only option and I (wrongly) felt that was better than no relationship at all. We clung to each other and created more misery. Horrific.

I hear "I want someone I can control, someone who will become too dependent on my to question my shitty behaviour"

This exactly. You would be mad to get involved with someone who openly says this.

i think it's weird.
i don't necessarily think it's abusive or awful but i think it's destined to fail.
i don't think it's our natural resting state, to remain needy, so eventually she will become less needy, or he will become annoyed with her neediness, and it will come to an end.

You would be mad to get involved with someone who openly says this

That's a good point. My own need to date needy guys is something I have realised retrospectively. I certainly wouldn't have said that about myself at the time. So I've changed my mind OP; someone who feels comfortable telling others that they like needy women doesn't feel right in any circumstance!

My DSis is...high maintenance and has been since birth. Bil tends to her like an injured lamb. He's a really lovely man. It makes me a bit but they are happy.

It would be a complete turn off for me.

I am surprised with the majority of warning voices here! He does not say openly that he prefers needy people but his actions demonstrate it. What is wrong with the need to ne needed though? It seems to me quite a reasonable trait tbh. (am needy myself :)

That makes it no less worrying imo. It's unhealthy and leaves the needy party wide open to abuse. He will limit you OP.

It is unhealthy but if that's your bag then crack on.

Awww, I really think it depends.

There are men and women who are attracted to those who have problems, e.g. people who serially date alcoholics/drug addicts. The kinds of codependency in those relationships aren't always to do with the person needing to be controlling, sometimes quite the reverse.

At the other extreme, there are people who subjugate their partners in a controlling and forceful way. They look out for vulnerable people whom they can exploit.

And there are all sorts inbetween. One person's "independent" is another person's "aloof".

We can't really judge without more details!