a man who prefers needy women

[grittypetal]

what would you think of a man who prefers a needy woman to a more indepentent one? what does it say about the man? he is nice and gentle himself, is he just more comfortable knowing he is safer with someone who clings on to him?

What is wrong with the need to be needed though?

An emotionally-healthy adult wants a relationship with another emotionally-healthy adult. Someone who wants their partner to be needy, OTOH, is demonstrating they would prefer:

A partner who is less likely to have the confidence to leave the relationship. This means they will put up with a higher level of abuse/control/restriction rather than be single

To create a debt of obligation: if the "needy" partner is always being supported by the need-loving partner, then they are more likely to feel they "owe" the NL partner a relationship.

The NL partner is likely to have a vested interest in encouraging and even exaggerating the needy partner's insecurities and fears, in order to keep them dependent. This is totally counter to what a loving, healthy relationship does -- which is encourage you to overcome fears and grow as a person.

It creates a dynamic which is more parent-child (one party relying on the other to have their needs met) than adult-adult. This is unhealthy and immature.

It creates a restrictive dynamic -- the NL person will encourage the needy person to turn in to the relationship and shut out the rest of the world. The NL person wants to feel like they can supply all their partner's emotional needs, and hence discourage family, work and friendship connections. Over time, this becomes very isolating.

A person who is 'needy' (not just from time-to-time, like everyone is, but as a consistent character trait) needs to work on being able to fulfill their own needs for validation, self-belief and comfort, rather than finding someone else to become complicit in their dynamic.

The problem with it, as I see it, it that it is a bit one sided, more like the relationship between a parent / guardian adult and a child, than between equals. Ideally, if someone is going through a 'needy' patch, a partner would be helping them through it rather than encouraging their neediness, in order to preserve the dynamic. This smacks to me of the 'strong' partner wanting an 'easy ride', from a partner who is not strong enough to challenge them on any level.

A good relationship needs equals, summed up in the famous words of Pretty Women (sorry, but stay with me here) he says, what if the prince finally comes and rescues her, what does she do. Her answer is that she 'rescues him right back' and, however implausible the overall premise of that film has been, it has shown us the two people complimenting each other, helping the other to grown.

Wot tigermoll said, so eloquently and covering all the significant points.

Brilliant post, Tigermoll

Think it's wrong to make sweeping generalisations on this.

I have come across this quite a bit when I was younger. I am quite an independent, laid back person and so are my friends, mostly; we were often discussing the fact that many of our male friends seemed to prefer relationships with dramatic, needy women who seemed to lurch from one crisis to another. (It is of course possible no-one wanted to go out with us for other reasons!)

I do have female friends who seem to prefer needy men, it's not a control thing for them I don't think, it may be that they don't think themselves worthy of someone more sorted, or it may be that they genuinely feel that with their help the men can realise their full potential -it never works well though.

"Needy" to me is a parent/child relationship. My 3yo DS is needy, he needs me to look after him. It's the absolute last thing I'd want in a partner.

Honestly if a man told me he likes needy women I'd run for the hills. To me it says he wants to control me, he wants me to need constant reassurance and approval from him. Boak.

In fact, it makes me think of the "50 shades of grey" books. Unhealthy.

My dad only likes needy women and cannot handle any sign of independence it makes him very insecure and he becomes abusive

I think it is a sign of possible abuse and certainly needs treating with caution without a doubt

Saying that it depends to what level....I'm an extremely independantes person (woman) , I have a position of authority and am a single parent....I'm vocal on women being autonomous and non relisn't on men....however

I'm aware on occasion I've taken it to unhealthy levels I'm aware it contributed to my marriage breakdown and as much as I do believe a strong man should be able to handle a sthong woman I can own that we all like to care for those we love , I certainly do , to feel that you are never needed can translate to being extraneous to the other person on occasion

If it's a question of wanting to do the odd thing to help out and be a partnership that's healthy , if it's wanting subservience then that's worrying

But what happens when that 'needy' woman becomes no longer needy?

It's like setting yourself up for a relationship with a built in expiry date.

I have a male friend a bit like this. He likes his women drop dead gorgeous and mad as a box of frogs. I think he romanticises mental ill health to an extent- like it part of the woman's; "specialness". I think its a bit sexist the way he values fragility.

On the flip side: I was the needy woman to a string of men.
When I left home at 16, I was very attracted to people who seemed more competent, more together, than me.
I felt like it was a good survival strategy to attach myself to men like this and I had a number of relationships with older men. I'd say they were positive relationships at the time but I question their motives in retrospect. One recently got back in touch on facebook and I had to think twice about whether I wanted his friendship.
PP are correct about these relationships having a time limit. Once I felt like I'd exhausted what they had to "teach" me- I was off.

It makes me think of that episode of SATC where Miranda meets a man who likes her being an insecure mess at the gym. When she feels better and tells him she loves how she is, he immediately dumps her.

And from my own experience of a man like this, he ramped up the EA whenever I got (in his opinion)a bit too big for my boots.

Who wants to be with someone who's only there out of desperation? Someone who wants to feel control over another person.

A relationship is meant to make you feel good and secure. Not control but so desperate and needy you cant escape.

Rather than controlling and abusive traits - you may be picking up on someone with less secure attachment style or prone to co-dependency. Basically it gives people (esp men) a chance to be more nurturing, heroic, rescuing, saving a damsel in distress etc! And it may also be that they need rescuing too - so it evens things up a bit to rescue each other iyswim?

I think you need to think of the reasons why someone would require someone needy.

A: Is he using the wrong word and wants someone "loving"
B: If he is insecure then he needs to recover and stay away from relationships?
C: Is he a controlling person that needs to control woman?

A can maybe be forgiven, B & C Cant... I cant think of any other reason a man would want a "needy" woman. ALARM BELLS for me

Yeah Tigermoll spot on :-)

Agree with above. To me needy is a euphemism for low self esteem. Why would a man want a woman with low self esteem unless it's to bolster his own self esteem and be the powerful one in the relationship.
It's a parent child dynamic.

In general needy men and women turn out to be controlling and abusive.
If you take your time to listen to controlling men you'd almost feel sorry for them.

What would people's definition be of a needy man??

I think it's quite complicated really. Some people tend to have 'rescuer' tendencies. It's not so much that they're controlling, just an inherent part of their personality or (more often, perhaps) a side effect of their family dynamic growing up. It can mean they're happy in the familiar role of looking after people.

It's only unhealthy if people aren't allowed outside the role of being looked after and dependent. Sadly, in many cases that's exactly what it does mean.

I agree needy and controlling interlap, both related to lack of self confidence and fear of losing people.
A needy man would be one who wasn't happy for me to go out on my own and wasn't happy in his own company and needed me to constantly bolster his self esteem and reassure him I loved him.
His inability to be happy unless I behaved in a certain way is controlling.
Neediness is fine in kids, but life's too short to be shackled to a needy adult. Part of being a parent is teaching your kids to be self sufficient and independent.

Wow interesting! I had an ex who very much needed to be needed. By his own admission, it was due to his insecurity and a need to feel good about himself and in control. I would question why anyone needs to be needed. Like they feel any relationship they're in would collapse without thay sort of controlling dynamic.

Are 'needy' women not deserving of love?

Not a single person has said that Alec

BIL, after a very longterm relationship with a gobby, independent (admittedly complicated) woman, turned to a series of ever more needy doe-eyed shrinking violets, and finally married the neediest and most shrinking of them all. When you're in their presence, it's clear he eroticises her most helpless side -- he loves that she says she can't eat another thing after two mouthfuls, that she goes up to bed exhausted in the middle of dinner parties, that she holds his hand even while eating in a strange house etc. He smiles and shakes his head and calls her 'my poor little wife'.

He's a nice guy, actually, but I had never suspected that he had a Hidden Rescuer side that got off on female feebleness... And I suspect she gets off on playing Victorian swooning type. So I guess it works.