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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wife difficulties

68 replies

Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 09:48

My husband and his ex wife had been separated 5 years when I met him . She threw him out and wanted nothing to do with him . We have been together almost 6 years - he has 2 girls aged 15 and 10 who he seems regularly .
The issue is that she refuses to speak to me or even acknowledge me .
I have let the issue go for years as any communication regarding the girls can be done through my husband .
Things have now come to a head as my husbands father has invited us all to a family meal . This is the 3rd time .
The first time we were all together I tried to be polite and smiled and tried to talk to the ex but she just blanked me . I put this down to shyness and let it go . The second time just before Christmas was very uncomfortable -she made a point of ignoring me and talking to other people and turned her back on me , almost like I didn't exist . It upset me and spoiled what should have been a lovely meal .
We have now been invited again and I just don't want to go and to be put in this situation again . My husband says I'm being unreasonable and that it shouldn't bother me but I think she is being rude and ignorant and sending out the wrong messages to her daughters.
Am I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/01/2017 09:51

Of course YANBU
I would go along and been aloof and completely ignore her and stay as far away from her as possible.
If you really don't want to go though, don't go!

Chasingsquirrels · 30/01/2017 09:53

She doesn't want to know you, you can't change that only how you deal with it.
Do other family members also blank you when she does or is it just her?
If others do it then I think your DH needs to address it with them, but if it is just her I think you just need to ignore it. Don't talk to her directly, there probably isn't any need to, and then she doesn't have the opportunity to blank you.

PaterPower · 30/01/2017 09:54

Unusual that your husbands father has been inviting her to family meals, particularly with that history! Mine can just about stay civil with exW and then we're only talking about the very odd pick up when he's been at mine and the girls are being collected.

AYBU? No - she's being disrespectful and rude. You wouldn't expect or tolerate that from a total stranger so why accept it from her? Your H should be standing up for you (as should fil tbh).

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 30/01/2017 09:55

I think her DD's probably know what she's like.

Yes it's rude to snub someone at an event. But she doesn't have to like you or interact with you in any way. You can't change her.

I suggest that you don't say anything adverse about her conduct. If anyone mentioned it to you, say neutrally that you hadn't really noticed and nothing to do with you really. (Because her social manners are not your business).

If it's a large family gathering, there will be plenty of people for you to talk to. Just go and have a nice time yourself.

Original poster
Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 11:07

thanks for your replies..... all very good advice.
The rest of the family are all great withe me but i remember last time coming home and feeling quite upset about it.
I suppose as well i feel a bit aggrieved as I know that if i was the one being rude and doing the ignoring my husband would have something to say but because ' thats just the way she is' she can get away with it.
I dont want to have to be rude and refuse a well meaning invitation so I suppose i should be the better woman and go with my head held high ?

OP posts:
broodybrooder · 30/01/2017 11:16

Is it me or his really strange that she is still involved in family meals?

I think your DH should be telling her that if she is coming to meals with his family, then she has to treat ALL of his family with respect.

But to be honest I can't understand why he's not already told his dad not to keep doing this.

Or even why his dad hasn't clocked she's been rude and disrespectful and that the set up might be inappropriate.

I think you are not being reasonable at all and at least three other people are being very unreasonable

Chimpfield · 30/01/2017 11:17

YANBU
Your husband should protect YOU in this situation - it is totally unacceptable that he should have his wife treated this way - and his family should not condone such appalling behaviour either - if they want a meal with his ex wife and grandchildren - let them do it separately. You deserve better than this - you have tried to be civil once more than I would have done - and I have been in your position.

broodybrooder · 30/01/2017 11:17

*sorry you are being UNreasonable I meant

broodybrooder · 30/01/2017 11:18

Gah! NOT being UNreasonable

TheSmurfsAreHere · 30/01/2017 11:21

I would go to the meal.
Because she has started some sort of war with your u and not going is telling her that she has won.
Take the moral high ground. Know that she is the one to be rude, that everyone can see that. It's her problem but yours.
Dint try and make some small talk, just act as if she was one of the more bland person, someone that has and will have no impact on your life.

I would ask your DH why is his father inviting her though. Why is she coming to family meals? The children don't need her to be there, she doesn't and he is creating a big issue by invitation no her when she is clearly displaying a very rude behaviour. So why?

TheSmurfsAreHere · 30/01/2017 11:24

Oh and YES to the fact that youR DH should be stepping up.
I don't believe that he should be protecting you but he shouldn't be just shrugging it off as 'it's the way she is'. Would he accept such behaviour from anyone else? Would he accept an ex of yours to be rude to him that way?

First step would be to talk to his dad TBH (I can see how if he is talking to his ex, it might make things VERY acrimonious and difficult with the dcs)

BackInBlack78 · 30/01/2017 11:28

I don't understand why she's invited to family meals...

Original poster
Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 11:33

I doubt my FIL would see my side of things.
Its quite weird they are quite protective of her and weird as it sounds I think it would come down badly on me if I even dared to mention it.
Its times like this I wish I had my Mum to talk to but I know really that she would tell me to ignore her and get on with it.
Thing is its not as if these occasions are particularly enjoyable - I go mostly for the sake of my DH .....

OP posts:
Original poster
Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 11:35

And I agree I struggle to understand why she is invited ? The girls are old enough to look after themselves.
I just feel that I'm being put in an awkward situation and why should I put myself through something which makes me unhappy to keep other people happy ?

OP posts:
Catherinebee85 · 30/01/2017 11:35

It's weird that she's invited to family meals when you're family now and she's not. Would the children be upset if she wasn't there? Why is she still invited?

Regardless of this though her behaviour would drive me absolutely insane. I would either seek her out and deliberately be super nice (kill with kindness approach) or act as though she doesn't exist and not give her the satisfaction of knowing I was riled.

What an odd situation!

Underthemoonlight · 30/01/2017 11:40

I too cant understand why she is invited to meals either

TreeTop7 · 30/01/2017 11:42

I'm in favour of being cordial with ex ILs when children are involved, but there's really no need for exes to be invited to these kind of events - that's overkill.

I think that your DH should stand up for you. You are being treated badly, and the family you married into is enabling it.

JanuaryMoods · 30/01/2017 11:46

I wouldn't go. You've tried 3 times and she's been rude every time. Don't put yourself through it again, just don't go.

oldestmumaintheworld · 30/01/2017 11:49

I don't think she is being rude, I think she is trying to do the best she can in difficult circumstances and so should you. She doesn't want anything to do with you and why should she. I would suggest that either you suck it up (I believe this is the MN expression) or don't go. I don't speak to my exhusbands new partner and don't aim to ever. Luckily I don't have to be in the same room as her very often and go out of my way to avoid it. I have to speak to him about the children and go to family events with him, but she is tactful and doesn't come. I suggest you do the same.

Cricrichan · 30/01/2017 11:52

They've been split for 11 years and she still gets invited and she's rude to you?? Bloody unacceptable! I'd be fuming with dh and mil for allowing this and telling him what kind of message is this sending his children? Do you also have children?

Original poster
Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 11:54

I have 2 older children ( 26 and 22 ) who don't get invited to these events.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 11:57

just also to say that my DH had a MASSIVE go at me last night when I said I didnt want to go .
I apparently am the one who is being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 30/01/2017 11:58

I wouldn't go.

In fact i don't. Dh's ex treated/treats him terribly, and I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut when his family treat her like she did nothing wrong (cheated on him, emptied 10k out of their joint account to start..).

It's his family's choice really. They want to keep her involved in their lives, fine. The step dc are adults now. But dh doesn't want anything to do with her, and neither do I, so they know if they invite her we stay away.

As a consequence il's and i aren't close, but as i said, their choice.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2017 12:10

You need to grow a thicker skin and ignore her. I know it probably makes the situation uncomfortable, but your husband cannot tell his Ex wife how to behave with you. He has no control over her.

I've learnt that you can't control other people's behaviour, only your reaction to it.

Like others have said, I can't understand why after throwing his son out, your FIL still sees the need to include her in family events. It doesn't make sense to me at all.

Try acting like she's an annoying ghost and pay her no mind. Don't acknowledge her and focus on other family members.

I can only imagine she's somehow jealous of you and regrets her actions in the past. Surprisingly, many people dump someone, but don't want them to be happy with anyone else.

The best way to deal with people like her is to look super happy in your relationship and be oozing with confidence.

Bambamrubblesmum · 30/01/2017 12:23

Tell your DH to jog on! He has no right to have a massive go at you.

Sounds like low level bulling to me. You're just suppose to put up and shut up. Is that really how you want to live?

It's very odd that your FIL insists on inviting her. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings so why should you care about his?

I'm a second wife and I said to my husband I wouldn't be doing any of that shit that you go along with in a first marriage to keep the peace. I'm not out to cause trouble but equally I'm not some naive little girl who goes along with things because FIL wants to beat his chest. Different rules second time round as far as I'm concerned!