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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ex wife difficulties

68 replies

Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 09:48

My husband and his ex wife had been separated 5 years when I met him . She threw him out and wanted nothing to do with him . We have been together almost 6 years - he has 2 girls aged 15 and 10 who he seems regularly .
The issue is that she refuses to speak to me or even acknowledge me .
I have let the issue go for years as any communication regarding the girls can be done through my husband .
Things have now come to a head as my husbands father has invited us all to a family meal . This is the 3rd time .
The first time we were all together I tried to be polite and smiled and tried to talk to the ex but she just blanked me . I put this down to shyness and let it go . The second time just before Christmas was very uncomfortable -she made a point of ignoring me and talking to other people and turned her back on me , almost like I didn't exist . It upset me and spoiled what should have been a lovely meal .
We have now been invited again and I just don't want to go and to be put in this situation again . My husband says I'm being unreasonable and that it shouldn't bother me but I think she is being rude and ignorant and sending out the wrong messages to her daughters.
Am I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Report

jrhartleysfishingblog · 30/01/2017 12:24

DH had a MASSIVE go at me last night when I said I didnt want to go

Er, it's up to you whether or not you go. DH and his family are your problem, because in most people's book DW and ExW together in a social situation are going to feel uncomfortable, FGS. DH's family sound selfish and disrespectful. Sadly, I don't think you can expect that to change so make your own decisions here and do what's right for you with a clear conscience.

BonnyScotland · 30/01/2017 12:52

this is plain horrible .... I would absolutely NOT attend these dinners... and neither should your husband...

CockacidalManiac · 30/01/2017 12:59

Why the hell are they still inviting this woman?

pixiebaby23 · 30/01/2017 12:59

Difficult one - I guess she is invited because she's the mother of their grandchildren. And maybe there in more of a capacity as family friend.

While her behaviour is reprehensible, you'll come out of it better if you can turn the other cheek and ignore her. It only becomes an issue if you let it - is she worth your mental energy?

Bambamrubblesmum · 30/01/2017 13:04

It's already an issue though for the OP. Does she have to subjugate her own feelings for the sake of her DH and FIL? Is that a healthy family dynamic?

WannaBe · 30/01/2017 13:07

I'm guessing that there's more to her's and your DH's split than he's told you.

You say that she threw him out? Why was that? Also that the youngest DD is ten yet they've been split for nearly eleven years, so presumably she was pregnant when they split?

Invariably ex's are painted as absolute bitches on MN but I think that more often than not the situation is far less than black and white and there are issues which are either not known to the new partner or are omitted from the post in order to gain favour. Not saying that's what the OP is doing but if the family are protected of a woman who felt the need to throw out her husband while she was pregnant I would bet money there is more to the split than the OP has been led to believe.

reallyanotherone · 30/01/2017 13:11

Wannabe- even if there was, that's no reason to take it out on the o/p. Especially if she can be civil to her ex and in laws.

Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 13:20

She threw him out shortly after the 2nd child had been born.
He was on his own for almost 5 years and then we met and I suppose I rescued him from his downward spiral and today we are happily married and have a good life.
His behaviour wasnt good and she had good reason to do what she did but that was a long time ago and he has come a long way since then .
He has always supported his children financially and sees them regularly but she seems to still be bitter to the point of speaking badly about him in front of them.
I get on with everyone but I am struggling with this one and I suppose my problem is that I dont want to upset the in laws who I do get on with .

OP posts:

Hia3 · 30/01/2017 13:25

You definitely need to go!
The ex wife would probably love you not to attend!

You need to go- be civil to her, but nothing more.

I know you would rather not go, but you will look rude to your father in law and your husband is obviously keen you go.

Agree with previous post- sounds like ex wife has some resentment and the best way to deal with the situation is to go appear not bothered by her.
At least father in law and step daughters are fine .

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/01/2017 13:36

DH had a MASSIVE go at me last night when I said I didnt want to go

In that case I certainly wouldn't be going. Tell DH to get his priorities right, he sounds a right tosser.

WannaBe · 30/01/2017 13:50

So, he treated her like shit to the point that she threw him out and chose to be on her own with a newborn rather than in the marriage? So actually she's not really the bitch you are making out in your OP and your DH was very much a part of the reason for the split.

I suspect that her issue isn't so much with you per se but because it appears that your DH seems to have changed since those days when their own marriage was in trouble, and she A, sees you as the woman who knows what kind of person he is/was and yet is still with him, and is also resentful about the fact that he treats you differently when he treated her like crap.

I also suspect the ILs may have sided with her on some level because of his treatment of her.

In an ideal world she will have moved on but it doesn't sound as if she has.

And I also suspect that your DH is being over defensive of her being there because he knows how much at fault he has been in the past.

These situations are rarely black and white, but I think to paint the ex as a cow is unfair.

happypoobum · 30/01/2017 13:54

DH had a MASSIVE go at me last night when I said I didnt want to go

Yeah - that would be a great big reason NOT to go- who the fuck does he think he is?

jrhartleysfishingblog · 30/01/2017 13:57

WannaBe may have something here, OP. Do you think you have really heard both sides of the story?

Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 13:59

I have never said she is a bitch or a cow , what I am saying is that in MY opinion it is very rude to choose to point blank ignore someone in front of other family members to the point of making me feel uncomfortable
I wouldnt behave in this way and so don't expect others to .......

OP posts:

Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 14:00

and yes I know the full story - when we met he was very open about what had happened.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2017 14:02

I think you should go and act jolly, because otherwise she wins, she forces you out. So go and say a silent fuck you to her. She'd just love it if you didn't come. Don't try to interact with her though. Don't ignore her but don't go out your way to try.

I also though question why she is invited. I guess they wish to keep her on side as the mother as they know what she's like. It's difficult, but go and smile.

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2017 14:05

THe second post explains a lot more. Presumably she chucked him out because of his behaviour (assuming affairs) and his parents retained contact with her in order to ensure that they saw their grandchildren and because they felt bad for their daughter in law.

Now she feels angry and upset that he changed for you but does not want to ruin the occasion so decides the best course of action is just to ignore you.

You want to speak to her, she feels that she would like to be there but would rather not speak to you because it may bring forward emotions that she has kept hidden

I think what you see as rude and ignorant she sees as holding her tongue and not making a scene to protect her daughters so that they dont have to be involved. She doesnt like you and that is ok as long as she does not try to turn your stepchildren or ILs against you.

No one wants to upset his daughters or your in laws so just ignore her as well. That should be easy to do

WannaBe · 30/01/2017 14:05

You may not have said it directly OP but you did make the point of stating in the OP that she had thrown him out, as if she was the unreasonable one, and other posters have piled in accordingly. It's only in later posts that you said he behaved badly when they were together. Am guessing he had an affair or similar?

I don't disagree that it would be better if after eleven years she could be civil, but I do disagree that she shouldn't be invited to family events, especially if he was a bastard who brought about the split in the first place.

The reality is that if you are the partner of someone who has form for treating others badly this is something you also have to learn to live with as part of your own lives. Because there are the children of the person he treated badly in this mix, as well as his family who clearly don't feel that she needed to be cut out of the family dynamic.

Snobbycat11 · 30/01/2017 14:07

She's there for the sake of other people OP, not you. Can't you both just ignore each other?

Oddsockspissmeoff · 30/01/2017 14:20

I wouldn't go to these ghastly events just so I looked the better person or anything like that. Who cares what they think. Inform your husband once you won't be going and refuse to discuss it further. Your husband seems to think you should be unhappy so he's happy. Not healthy at all.

Missgaynor · 30/01/2017 14:22

Yes I can ignore her but its quite difficult when you are sat next door but one to someone ( on a table of 12 people) as happened at Christmas ....

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 30/01/2017 15:20

She clearly has no problem ignoring you, so you need to do the same.

With your second clarification post, it seems his family feel bad for the way he treated her and want to be supportive.

Perhaps you should have just agreed to go and develop a terrible migraine on the day.

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pixiebaby23 · 30/01/2017 15:24

You don't know what's going through her head on these occasions - what would happen if you made the approach and were charm personified to her?

She could hardly ignore you then and it might break the ice and forge a more civil relationship which means you could relax and enjoy things more, without needing to ask for advice on MN!

esk1mo · 30/01/2017 15:30

id go along and have a great time without saying a word to her - let her see how it feels. even if you are faking the confidence - she wont know. she probably enjoys the position she puts you in and the power that comes with it. life is too short to pussyfoot around your partners ex wife of..11 years? At the end of the day you're with him and you are both happy. Dont let her spoil that because she is miserable.

TheNaze73 · 30/01/2017 16:20

She sounds odious & is acting bitter.

Don't let her insecurities, make you annoyed. It really isn't you

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