Ex wife difficulties

[Missgaynor]

My husband and his ex wife had been separated 5 years when I met him . She threw him out and wanted nothing to do with him . We have been together almost 6 years - he has 2 girls aged 15 and 10 who he seems regularly .
The issue is that she refuses to speak to me or even acknowledge me .
I have let the issue go for years as any communication regarding the girls can be done through my husband .
Things have now come to a head as my husbands father has invited us all to a family meal . This is the 3rd time .
The first time we were all together I tried to be polite and smiled and tried to talk to the ex but she just blanked me . I put this down to shyness and let it go . The second time just before Christmas was very uncomfortable -she made a point of ignoring me and talking to other people and turned her back on me , almost like I didn't exist . It upset me and spoiled what should have been a lovely meal .
We have now been invited again and I just don't want to go and to be put in this situation again . My husband says I'm being unreasonable and that it shouldn't bother me but I think she is being rude and ignorant and sending out the wrong messages to her daughters.
Am I the one being unreasonable?

[jrhartleysfishingblog]

WannaBe the ExW is just that, the Ex.

I (like you, I suspect) am also an ExW and would not want or expect to be present at events where the new victim wife is present but I would expect ExH to know what was appropriate and not act like a knob with his DF.

[WannaBe]

Am surprised at the level of bad comment being directed towards the ex here. Yes, in an ideal world she would move on from the past, but we don't actually know how bad that past was do we? What we do know though is that her ex was enough of a shit in their marriage that she threw him out even though she had a newborn and a four year old. People are saying the DH has mended his ways, but what were those? Infidelity? Drugs? Gambling? Violence even? the OP has been very careful not to go into the detail of the past, I suspect because she knows that people would react differently if they knew just how much of an arsehole the DH was in his previous marriage.

And now the OP has got together with this man, and is very happy because he's not the man he used to be. But from the ex's point of view, the OP has drawn a line under the past because he's not like that with her, and rather than make her opinions known or say something she might regret, she instead chooses to say nothing.

In most situations the ex wouldn't be coming to family events. But I suspect that because the DH was single for six years before he met the OP, her coming to these events just became a patern, and her relationship with her ILs continued after the split. And given the amount of time between relationships, it would be unreasonable for the ILs to cut out the ex now that there was a new partner on the scene. If they'd chosen to do that after the split that would be one thing, but to continue the relationship with the ex and then cut it off when the DH met someone else would be wrong.

And it seems that all the ex is doing is not engaging with the OP. What's wrong with that? And it's not up to the DH to veto the ex being invited. His part in their split is more than likely responsible for the relationship which his parents have with her anyway.

[Missgaynor]

Its FIL 70th birthday and I suppose he can invite who he wishes and as he is a VERY strong minded character i doubt he would listen to his sons wishes.
It would just cause even more trouble to even bring up the subject.
They are indeed a funny lot ...... not at all like my own parents who sadly passed away many years ago.

[Missgaynor]

Not mard, I was just brought up to be polite in company !
I also think its sending out the wrong signals to the girls ( his aged 15 and 10) ... thats its ok to be rude and to ignore people.
But thats just my view and its wont be everyones

[jrhartleysfishingblog]

I asked my dh the same question and his answers was that it's the fil choice to invite her and that's that !

I don't buy this. The lack of boundaries are down to DH, if he vetoed ExW attending to his parents they would be tough nuts indeed to go against his wishes. IIWM I would be concluding DH's guilt is at the bottom of this.

[mumofthemonsters808]

Just go, it wouldn't bother me this, I'd speak to the other people at the table.I wouldn't be intimidated or uncomfortable but I'm quite thick skinned and hard faced.. It's not like she is being violent towards you, or hurling insults in your direction, she's just made a decision to not be involved with you and wants no interaction with you and you can either take yourself out of the equation or just accept her decision. I wouldn't embarrass myself by keep trying to chat with her, she'd be lucky if she got any eye contact from me. You sound quite mard OP.

[elliebellys]

Why shouldn't exw still go to family gatherings?.family is so much more than blood.even after a divorce a bond is still always going to there.my is are still my family nd I'd go nuclear if anyone said different.nobody can be forced to speak with anyone they don't want to.there are going to be loads more gatherings ahead for the op.especially regarding the dcs. That she will have to grit her teeth about.there will always be other people to talk with.nd just accept that you probably will never have a cordial relationship.

[Joysmum]

Ah so he treated her badly and she stood up for herself and chucked him out. Now he's treating you badly too and putting himself first again. There's a clear pattern here, he's selfish.

[phoe6e]

Im trying to think why the ex even wants to go id rather eat my own head than go to a meal with ex's family! And it was an amicable split.

I can only assume she can't let go and move on (her problem) and hates seeing you happy (her problem) and yet can't stay away because she enjoys seeing you squirm.

Answer: do not squirm. Ignore her back, she does not affect you

[Missgaynor]

I asked my dh the same question and his answers was that it's the fil choice to invite her and that's that !

[phoe6e]

Why is the ex coming to family meals?

[VeritysWatchTower]

You should still go, you are married into this family and everyone else is fine, it is just her.

The best way to behave is jovial and chatty. That way if the ex tries to slag you off to anyone no-one should have anything bad to say about you.

Also it sets a good example to the children that adults should behave cordially even in tough situations.

[Missgaynor]

Cherrysoup - I also think he's being arse and he has been told the same !

[LostSight]

I wouldn't go personally.,

If it was at all possible, and if you do get on with them, might it be worth speaking to your in-laws about this? Is it possible they didn't notice how uncomfortable she was making you? I don't mean to attack her, but just explain that you felt there was an awkward atmosphere and she didn't seem to want to talk to you.

I just can't imagine sucking this up and then having to put up with Christmas being spoiled every time you go.

[Cherrysoup]

PS: your husband is being an arse. He's embarrassed and knows she's in the wrong. Whatever happen d prior to you meeting him is irrelevant. My dh wouldn't put me through such an uncomfortable shit experience even one time.

[Cherrysoup]

I'd go and keep tapping her on the shoulder and shouting 'Doreen! DOREEN! Why aren't you talking to me, Doreen?!' (Is her name Doreen??) then turn to your fil and say loudly 'Oh, Doreen isn't taking to me still' sadface, but I'm very passive aggressive.

[anxiousnow]

Hi OP, it sounds very difficult for you. I personally think it is good when IL's keep the relationship with the ex wife. They may not approve of how their son treated her so why should she lose their support too. That said, none of this is your fault and you should be equally supported and your feelings taken into account. She shouldn't be taking her bitterness out on you. Does she blank your H too? Could a gentle request be that you don't end up sitting too close to her.

[Sentmeamonkey]

if it was me I would go, looking the dogs bollox and I would ghost her!

[TheNaze73]

She sounds odious & is acting bitter.

Don't let her insecurities, make you annoyed. It really isn't you

[esk1mo]

id go along and have a great time without saying a word to her - let her see how it feels. even if you are faking the confidence - she wont know. she probably enjoys the position she puts you in and the power that comes with it. life is too short to pussyfoot around your partners ex wife of..11 years? At the end of the day you're with him and you are both happy. Dont let her spoil that because she is miserable.

[pixiebaby23]

You don't know what's going through her head on these occasions - what would happen if you made the approach and were charm personified to her?

She could hardly ignore you then and it might break the ice and forge a more civil relationship which means you could relax and enjoy things more, without needing to ask for advice on MN!

[SandyY2K]

She clearly has no problem ignoring you, so you need to do the same.

With your second clarification post, it seems his family feel bad for the way he treated her and want to be supportive.

Perhaps you should have just agreed to go and develop a terrible migraine on the day.

[Missgaynor]

Yes I can ignore her but its quite difficult when you are sat next door but one to someone ( on a table of 12 people) as happened at Christmas ....

[Oddsockspissmeoff]

I wouldn't go to these ghastly events just so I looked the better person or anything like that. Who cares what they think. Inform your husband once you won't be going and refuse to discuss it further. Your husband seems to think you should be unhappy so he's happy. Not healthy at all.

[Snobbycat11]

She's there for the sake of other people OP, not you. Can't you both just ignore each other?