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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

For those of you who have gone NC - how do you deal with this....

55 replies

2sCompany · 28/01/2017 17:37

...ExP banging on my door every couple of days. I don't know whether to tell him to stop or just carry on completely NC and try to ignore? He has done it late-ish at night when all the lights are off and I'm clearly in bed as well as early on a Sunday morning. Bangs, waits, bangs, waits, bangs waits. Tries to call my phone, but I've blocked his number so it goes straight to voicemail, so I only know he's tried calling by looking at my call log.

I know it's my own fault because I've tried to go NC in the past, but always end up talking to him again after a few days, so he obviously thinks I'll give in again as I always have done. This time I've gone 2 weeks so far, which I know isn't long at all, but has been a big achievement for me.

There's a huge history leading up to this, but the straw that broke the camels back was him telling me how much he's cheated on me and accusing me (wrongly) of doing the same. I've finally taken off my rose-tinted glasses and stopped lying to myself that it's normal to be bullied mentally and physically any more. The main complication is that I'm pregnant, so whilst I know this is definitely the right thing for me, is it right for the baby?

Any advice gratefully received. I don't really feel comfortable discussing with anyone in RL as I've complained about things that have happened in the past, but I've always gone back to him. So everyone is sick of hearing it and its all my own fault anyway (as he constantly reminded me).

Sorry for the rather lengthy whinge. Thanks, if anyone reads this x

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/01/2017 17:53

I would speak to the police on the non emergency number and ask what your options are if this continues as it is frightening, you are vulnerable, and he is causing a disturbance. I would say in the meantime ignore it but if at anytime you are frightened because it escalates call 999!

Original poster
2sCompany · 28/01/2017 19:31

Thanks, I'll give it a try. It is frightening and I'm always worried whether I've remembered to lock the door when it happens in case he comes barging in. I don't know what I'd do or say. And I have children in the house too, so obviously want to avoid any confrontation.

Just don't know if I'm doing the right thing at all really. I don't feel strong enough.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 28/01/2017 19:34

Stick to your guns OP. Sometimes shit can take a few attempts to wipe off.

HecateAntaia · 28/01/2017 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 28/01/2017 19:40

Please speak to the police and ask for their advice and what evidence you would need to bring a non-molestation order or whether they can have "a quiet word"

JK1773 · 28/01/2017 19:41

Go and see a family solicitor and get an injunction against him. He's completely out of order and won't stop unless you do something. You're doing so well with the NC, keep being strong. You need peace in your pregnancy, not harassment

Original poster
2sCompany · 28/01/2017 19:55

I'm not worried about coping with the baby on my own at all. The thought of having to deal with him for the rest of my/the baby's life fills me with dread. I am seriously considering not naming him on the birth certificate but don't know if that would be the right thing either.

I have felt so much less stressed not having had to deal with him for the last couple of weeks - other than the door banging. I don't to waste police time; we've had police involvement at various points in our "relationship" and fear they would also be of the opinion it's my own fault for keeping going back to him and getting myself into this situation.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 28/01/2017 20:16

Call the police while he is banging on your door. Tell them the truth. He is your ex,came there uninvited,middle of the night,you have you g children in the house and you are afraid.

Original poster
2sCompany · 28/01/2017 20:37

The trouble with that is that he doesn't stick around for a long time, so he'd be gone by the time anyone got here. One time he looked through the front window when I was on the phone to my mum, and he left straight away, so he's likely wary of me calling the police. I keep the curtains closed now but didn't stop him banging on the window last night as he obviously knows I'm in the house.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 28/01/2017 20:51

Then ring 101 and have a chat with them,complain about harassment as that's what is,and get some legal advice about a protective order/injunction(forgot the actual name). You do not have to live like this. Take pics if u can,film it..would neighbours be willing to confirm it?
You could also look into have one of those fake cctv cameras(about 6£) on ebay if you think it would deter him.

happypoobum · 28/01/2017 20:56

Non molestation order with power of arrest attached should sort this.

Can you move away?

ScruffbagsRUs · 28/01/2017 20:57

In addition to Rebel's advice, it may be an idea to use your phone to record yourself telling your ex, numerous times, to leave you alone and not to phone/text/call at your door. Keep every text he sends as evidence and only text him back to tell him to go away and give your head peace.

You don't have to say much, just "Go away and leave me alone" or "Stop harassing me. I don't want anything to do with you any more". By recording yourself saying that to him, you can prove that you have asked him to back off. It's all evidence against him and hopefully you'll be able to get an injunction/non-molestation order against him.

Hopefully you'll get this sorted and he'll behave himself.

Original poster
2sCompany · 28/01/2017 21:13

I can't help thinking it's all my own fault though and the police will say so too. I know he'll just say he is worried about his baby. He left a voice mail yesterday to say he's worried about his access. It was a bad signal, so couldn't hear it very well, but no apology or any concerns about me. It's all about him, always has been.

Unfortunately I already have a fake camera at my back gate that he knows is fake, so don't think he'd be taken in by another one!

I wouldn't ask the neighbours to get involved, they probably haven't noticed anyway. And I couldn't film or take photos without him seeing me. I sound like I'm coming up with all sorts of objections rather than accepting help. Sorry, I don't mean to, I do appreciate any and all suggestions. Just want him to get bored and give up but there's no sign of that. Feel I should be strong enough to tell him to get stuffed but I don't want to open any sort of dialogue if I can help it.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 28/01/2017 21:19

Thing is.. you have nothing to lose if you contact the police. The way you feel is quite normal(blaming and doubting yourself,unsure if you'd be believed etc),as it is hoping it goes away. But that is not normal behaviour and tbh i'd be worried for your safety. Calling 101 is not wasting police time. This is what it's for. Or if you can afford it,seek some legal advice first. The solicitor can send a very stern letter asking him to cease contact,so you don't have to personally interact with him.

Original poster
2sCompany · 28/01/2017 21:21

I've blocked his number so that no texts, WhatsApp, calls or anything can get through to me. He can leave voice mail but I've only had 2 which I stupidly deleted straight away. I do have call logs of all the blocked calls though. I have not said one word to him in any form since we had that last big row. Do you think I should explicitly say out loud that he should stop contacting me?

I wish I could move, I would love to start fresh somewhere but finances would never allow it, not to mention bad timing for my children's schooling. I live close to my family and it seems rather unfair that he should push me out of my own home.

It's all so messed up Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
2sCompany · 28/01/2017 21:23

31 calls in the last 2 weeks Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/01/2017 21:42

You need to phone 101 and talk with the police. You can discuss the history and how you are now ready to break with him and you want the harassment to stop. Please get this evidenced and sort out a non-molestation order.

RandomMess · 28/01/2017 21:51

Saw this on another thread to day so have gone and found it for you!!

"Also, please note, you can do a non molestation order without a solicitor, it can cost nothing or up to about £50.00. Call the National Centre for Domestic Violence and they will help you with it. A wonderful Mumsnetter found this for me and I managed to get it all sorted and it didn't cost me a penny, just ten minutes in court."

Please, please do this. He has no reason to contact you until after the baby is born and your CMS claim lands on his doorstep and he requests contact!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/01/2017 21:55

The police will take you more seriously if they've been involved before. Maybe you could ask for a referral to the DC unit for advice. Maybe ask your HV with advice.

Original poster
2sCompany · 28/01/2017 22:12

Thank you random that's really useful to know, I will definitely look into that order. I am wary that if I start anything legal he will fight fire with fire, as it were, and will come out on top simply because he has more financial means than I do.

rabbit, I already thought I should say something to my midwife. Trouble is, I lied at my booking appt when she asked me about any history of domestic violence. They probably won't believe me now if I say what's really happened in the past. To be fair, he never actually hit me, just pushed me over a few times, so I don't even know if that really counts.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/01/2017 22:18

Or course your MW will believe you. It is very common for women to take several attempts to break with their abuser and reach out for help!

Original poster
2sCompany · 28/01/2017 22:27

I feel like such an idiot. I could have put a stop to this long ago, before a baby was added to the mess. I had some romantic notion things would all settle down and we'd live happily ever after, but they're just worse than ever.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know so many people are in far worse situations than me.

Going to try to sleep now and will be researching that Order first thing in the morning x

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 29/01/2017 09:01

In this case I would not put him on the birth certificate.

Original poster
2sCompany · 29/01/2017 09:48

I really think that's the best thing for me, but is it the best for the baby not to know who their father is? Can I really do that and won't people think I'm being really mean?

He's not been at all supportive through my pregnancy, just continued on with his life and doing whatever he wants to do. For example, he got in touch with one (that I know of) of the girls he slept with "just as friends" and missed a scan because he was too hungover/ over the limit to drive.
He seems to think that a baby is somehow going to appear out of nowhere and he will get to play happy families. Doesn't seem to have any concept of how the pregnancy and birth is/will affect(ing) me.

Sorry, I'm ranting today. Had nightmares all night about what's happened and am so unsure if I'm doing the right thing by going NC.

OP posts:
ChuckSnowballs · 29/01/2017 09:52

You need to call the police as evidence that he is harassing you, and the more issues on his record the more it will stand if you ever want to withhold contact in the future. It will be no good you saying he harassed and pushed you about etc in 5 years when he tries to take you to court for contact, what will matter is the records that the police have on him.