For those of you who have gone NC - how do you deal with this....

[2sCompany]

...ExP banging on my door every couple of days. I don't know whether to tell him to stop or just carry on completely NC and try to ignore? He has done it late-ish at night when all the lights are off and I'm clearly in bed as well as early on a Sunday morning. Bangs, waits, bangs, waits, bangs waits. Tries to call my phone, but I've blocked his number so it goes straight to voicemail, so I only know he's tried calling by looking at my call log.

I know it's my own fault because I've tried to go NC in the past, but always end up talking to him again after a few days, so he obviously thinks I'll give in again as I always have done. This time I've gone 2 weeks so far, which I know isn't long at all, but has been a big achievement for me.

There's a huge history leading up to this, but the straw that broke the camels back was him telling me how much he's cheated on me and accusing me (wrongly) of doing the same. I've finally taken off my rose-tinted glasses and stopped lying to myself that it's normal to be bullied mentally and physically any more. The main complication is that I'm pregnant, so whilst I know this is definitely the right thing for me, is it right for the baby?

Any advice gratefully received. I don't really feel comfortable discussing with anyone in RL as I've complained about things that have happened in the past, but I've always gone back to him. So everyone is sick of hearing it and its all my own fault anyway (as he constantly reminded me).

Sorry for the rather lengthy whinge. Thanks, if anyone reads this x

[2sCompany]

Thanks Kr1stina, that's exactly how I feel. I've read threads on here and never thought any of it applied to me. It's just been me causing/ letting things happen, I could walk away at any time. But it's not so easy.

Very nervous about calling the police in a bit.

[Kr1stina]

Don't feel pathetic. It's very hard to leave an abusive relationship as it messes with your head. Everyone who has been there thinks the same as you - it was my fault too, no one will believe me, maybe I imagined it, I push his buttons, other women have it much worse, it's not really abuse.

Lots of women take several attempts to leave, you are quite normal, honest. .

[2sCompany]

Oh massively so, used it to cheer me up, to forget, to celebrate, commiserate... mainly to forget and ignore though.

So one of the great things to have come out of this pregnancy is me being sober and it forcing me to think straight. And not be constantly hungover.

[RandomMess]

Don't struggle on alone, people here are always willing to help you through any wobbles without criticising you!

Sounds like you've used alcohol to numb the pain of his behaviour in the past. Onwards and upwards...

[2sCompany]

Thank you all so, so much for listening to me whinging on. I can't believe how pathetic I sound really. But honestly, I massively appreciate every single message and am repeatedly reading them all to try to give me the strength that I need to keep this going once and for all.

Thank you ALL xxx

[2sCompany]

I don't feel strong at all! I'm really trying to be brutally honest with myself about things I've just ignored and pushed to the back of my mind before. Usually drowned with copious amounts of alcohol. Obviously that's not an option now due to pregnancy and some of the things I've long forgotten about are rearing their ugly heads. Like him searching porn sites with my name, location, body and hair type looking for proof I was cheating. I remembered that little gem the other day out of the blue. It's all making sleep rather difficult (along with the nocturnal toilet trips of pregnancy).

You're right about accountability too random which I think is partly why I don't talk to anyone anymore, because I've never trusted myself enough not to go back to him and just always thought that was how my life would always be with all the arguments and everything, forever.

[RandomMess]

Please tell your friends include the "I know I've said this before and gone back but I'm in a different place this time, please help me stay strong"

There is something about feeling accountable to your MN support and RL support. People will be happy that you are ending it, they may stay quiet as not convinced it's for good but they will help as best they can. Don't let his accusations about things being your fault stop you knowing that your friends want what is best for you.

He is trying everything to worm his way back in, because it's what HE wants - sex on tap, someone to verbally abuse, someone to control, someone to push around and make him feel big!

[kaitlinktm]

Listen, there is no good reason for him to push you over. Ever. No matter what you say, he should not get physical.

I am glad you are staying so strong. Please don't go back to him again. It will be interesting to hear what the police say when you ring 101 tonight. It would be great if they would just deal with it and you don't even have to contact him.

Stay strong.

[2sCompany]

Emails started off as just basic "you OK" sort of stuff. Today's were pleading, yes. As in "I don't mean to hurt you. I don't know why I say nasty things. I'm going to change, be more supportive. We have to keep in contact for the sake of the baby". I've heard it all before. I've given him so many chances.

I'm having a quiet afternoon with the kids and will call 101 when they're in bed and I can concentrate on what I'm saying.

I don't feel comfortable telling anyone in real life because I don't think they'll believe me because he's always made things out like I exaggerate and lie about stuff. People are fed up of me complaining but still going back to him in the end. I've cried Wolf too often sort of thing. When I've said that he's pushed me over he will always give a reason of something that I did first to warrant his reaction. So I feel like all this is my own stupid fault for allowing it to go on. And everyone else will too. Because it really is my own fault for not taking a stand sooner.

[Costacoffeeplease]

I wouldn't bother warning him, I'd just contact the police, it doesn't sounds like he'd take any notice of a warning

[Kr1stina]

No he's not doing this because you don't say some magic words " don't contact me " .

He's doing this because he enjoys controlling you and harassing you. He thinks you have no right to make your own choices and decisions in life.

He's NOT worried about you or the baby, he's absolutely furious.

Why have you not told your family - will they not suport you ? I think you need some RL help.

And I think you are kidding yourself that the neighbours haven't noticed. Unless you live in a very noisy place.

[RandomMess]

I think your last argument was clear that it was over and that you were blocking him.

I think if you email him then you are rewarding his hounding of you. If it was something serious/important he could have emailed it to you and he hasn't!!! As he is the father of your baby I would leave the email alone and just divert it into a separate folder - he won't know if you have received it or not if you don't respond to it.

What is the general context of the emails? Just more pleading I assume?

[2sCompany]

No, I haven't explicitly asked him to stop contacting me. As I said, we had a huge row via text (childish I know) regarding his cheating and accusing me of the same. I said I wouldn't put up with it any more and said "I am blocking you now" and haven't spoken to him since either in person or via any other means. Do I need to tell him to stop? Is he carrying on because I've never actually said the words "stop contacting me"? He has called, emailed, used FB messenger and banged on the door. Even tried to friend me on FB, despite me not having been allowed to be his 'friend' before. I've blocked him on all but email, which I will get on to now.

I haven't told my family any of it. Only told one friend, who was in agreement that I shouldn't name him on the birth certificate. I never planned to give the baby his name anyway.

[RedastheRose]

Talk to the police, they can have a quiet word with him and warn him off that sort of behaviour.

[Kr1stina]

I assume you have already told him to stop contacting you? If so, then you don't have to say it again.

Contact the police .

Do not tell him anything about the baby. Don't give the baby his surname.

You say you live near your family - what are they saying about all this ?

[2sCompany]

Should I warn him that if he doesn't stop contacting me, then I'll be contacting the police, or should I just do it with no warning?

I'm so confused and so sad that it has come to this

[2sCompany]

Just had another call from a landline (which I've now blocked), he left a voice mail to say "please contact me, it's important". Is that just a tactic or should I get in touch, it sounded very serious? I think I should change my phone number.

I'm going to call the police for some advice now. That's 5 calls today. I don't know why it's ramped up today again. Having read the Grey Rock article, I can only assume it's because I'm not giving him the usual drama/attention.

Thank you everyone.

[Littlefrogletx]

You are suffering harassment, please contact the police. I dont know if it's the same thing but I had an harassment order served on my ex by the police. Didn't cost a penny and if he breaches it he will be arrested.

[mynxy]

I'm sorry you're going through this, going NC is absolutely the way to go - but if you do have to speak to him, use the grey rock method:

www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Hope this helps

[RandomMess]

Why do you start a new post

"experiences of applying for non-molestation order"

YOu need to start being honest, speak to WA, speak to the domestic violence unit/service at your local station on the non-emergency number. The emails are further evidence against him, divert them straight into their own folders do not respond.

[2sCompany]

I do appreciate all the advice and everyone taking the time to respond. I promise I'm not trying to be obstructive, I just honestly didn't think it was a police/legal matter and I should be able to handle it by myself, I'm a grown woman after all!

I haven't told anyone in RL what is going on, thus haven't given anyone a chance to support me. I've told people bits and pieces of what's gone on in the past and get the impression everyone thinks it's my fault for keeping going back to him. So now it's just better that I don't say anything at all. It's come back round to haunt me in the past where he's said to me "why did you tell [friend] I beat you up?" after I'd shown bruises from a fall after a push to another friend, who I asked not to say anything. I've never said to anyone that he beat me up. He makes it sound like I'm telling tales so no-one will believe anything I say anyway. Does that make sense? I don't understand myself sometimes.

Does anyone have experience of the Non-Molestation Order? It says on the Gov.uk website that I'll have to attend a hearing with him there, which I'd really rather not do.

Today I've had 4 calls, 1 from someone else's mobile and 3 emails - a contact avenue I've failed to shut down.

[llangennith]

Stop saying "to be fair" and justifying his threatening behaviour. If you don't believe he's being a complete bully and harassing you how are you going to convince police, solicitor or anyone else in a position to help you?
You've been give. lots of good advice here so act on it. Do something about it. You say you don't want to move as you have family support nearby. Why aren't they supporting you in this?
Stop making excuses for this lowlife of a man.

[RandomMess]

If you register without him there he can go to court to be added. Do NOT let him come with you, do not inform him of the birth. Not because I think he should be excluded but because I think you need impenetrable boundaries to stop this harassment.

He can use a solicitor to mediate contact for the baby but there is a high chance he won't bother, it's about controlling you rather than wanting to be a Dad.

[Latenightreader]

If you are in the UK he can only be included on the birth certificate if he is with you when you register, or if he completes a declaration of parentage form and you take it with you to register. This might make your decision easier from a practical point of view. Emotionally is a different thing of course...

www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

[JK1773]

Please get a non molestation order. You are being pestered and harassed and you're not wasting anybody's time. It will just keep him away for now and if he breaches it the police can do more because it's a criminal offence. He needs to be physically there to put him on the birth certificate. See how things are then, I think he should be on it really and although it gives him PR, it doesn't give him any rights to interfere in your life