Pregnant & DP has decided he doesn't want another baby

[SillyBilly18]

DP & I are likely to be in the process of separating. We have a 3 year old DC & I have just found out that I am around 4 weeks pregnant.

We suffered a miscarriage last year & have been trying for another ever since. I found out two days ago that I was pregnant & told DP thinking he would be thrilled. It turns out he doesn't want this baby & has now changed his mind about having another & has begged me to have an abortion.

I am so confused, I have been desperate for another for so long (I thought he was too, or so he said!) he says he wants nothing to do with this baby & if I keep it, then I am selfish & ruining his life. This has literally come from nowhere.

I really do not want an abortion, so it looks like I would be doing this by myself if I went ahead with the pregnancy.

Has anyone here had any experience of this? I just don't know what to do for the best.

Sorry if this is long, but any advice would be massively appreciated.

Don't let him pressure you into an abortion

Do what ever feels right for you. Single mums are much more seen now and if you're than determined you will find a way to manage

Sorry this has happened OP

He's being selfish not you.

He agreed to trying again & used no contraception (tell me if I'm wrong).

Being a SM isn't great however I don't think it's fair for him to make you choose him over the baby....I personally wouldn't!

It's tough but it's probably best you leave him, put your kids first....you'll find a guy who wants you & yours kids

I was in a similar position once. I did as he asked and went ahead with the abortion. For me it wasn't the right choice.

I have no advice except follow your heart.

Terrible place to be op, you must be so happy you're pregnant now so in shock.

Well, you are pregnant with a planned baby. If a baby really would ruin his life he shouldn't have tried to impregnate you so he just absolutely needs to suck up that completely appalling feeling.

Don't have an abortion because he tells you to. Only have an abortion if it is what you want.

He can't just announce that he won't have anything to do with it when you already have an older child together! Is he saying he is also going to have nothing to do with the older one too because he can't very well expect to just see one of his children can he?

And he will have to pay for both.

Thank you for your responses. He did agree to trying & no contraception.

I am in such shock, I thought this would be amazing but feel like he has ruined it. I don't want to go through this alone, but I will if I have to. I just can't lose another baby.

I hate him for this. I feel humiliated & foolish. He has even suggested that I will lose this one, like I lost the last one & that it would be for the best. How can someone be so cruel?

Sorry to rant, I'm not ready to tell anyone in rl about this yet.

He is an absolute prick. You haven't 'ruined his life' - if he didn't want another baby, he shouldn't have kept it a fucking secret! The time to have said so was before he had sex with no contraception.
I would go so far as to say that what he has done to you is abusive. He has tricked you into becomming pg under false pretenses and is now attempting to bully you into terminating a much wanted and planned for baby.
In your shoes, I would kick him out and keep the pregnancy. If he is the sort of man who would have nothing to do with a child because you won't do as you are told, then your children(both of them) will be better off without him. Make sure you persue him for child support though - no matter how much he kicks off, he is 50% responsible for the existance of those dc and he owes them financial support if nothing else!

Offred I have told him that he cannot pick & choose which child he has contact with - he sees both or none at all. I won't have either child made to feel unwanted.

I'm a bit confused-you say you're in the process of separating yet you told him about the baby thinking he'd be thrilled. If you're only 4 weeks pregnant, you must only just have found out?

Or have you decided to separate since finding out you were pregnant-in the last few days?

I said likely to separate, which is based on his reaction/comments when I told him. I found out two days ago & told him straight away.

Wow what a shit.

Please don't let him pressure you into an abortion OP.

What kind of man tries for a baby with his wife, only to turn around and beg her to get rid of it once she finds out she's pregnant? Sounds like you'd all be better off away from him to be honest.

You haven't ruined his life he has!

I agree with aderyn. It is him who has 'ruined' your life if anyone's life has been ruined at all.

He has chosen to impregnate you and is now bullying you into an abortion and being extremely cruel.

I think I would have told him to leave right away after hearing that.

Do you think he could be cheating?

I just say that purely projecting really as this is exactly how my ex dp and father of my two eldest dc behaved.

It turned out he was angry about the pg because he had told his OW we were separated but living in the same flat and a pg clearly and obviously indicates that isn't true.

He said if you lost this baby, that would be for the best?????

Wow. That's unforgivable.

If you don't want to abort, then don't. And make sure he pays every penny of child support that he is meant to.

He did try and claim in court that he was not DD's father and didn't make an application for contact with her but had accepted paying maintenance without asking for a paternity test so the court technically couldn't order a test.

But like you I said well he absolutely is not taking one without the other as they are both his and it would do immeasurable damage to them both if he did that. I risked contempt of court but in the end they agreed with me and ordered the test and surprise surprise it confirmed what I said - she is his...

He just got into hot water because he had told his GF/OW it was physically impossible she was and spun her (and the court!!!) a line about me cheating with some random Welsh man in a pub when I took DS to go on a santa train (and he spent the weekend shagging her in our bed).

He has as good a relationship with her now as he does DS but TBH he hasn't been a great dad to either.

Bit late now!

You clearly can't have an abortion if you don't want one. Certainly not in order to keep someone who thinks it's ok to try and pressure you into it, and to tell you it would be best if you miscarried. Your posts so far sound like you're pretty clear on that.

Are you posting for hand holding and confirmation that you're making the right decision to continue with the pregnancy, practical advice on your options now, or both?

💐. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I know it's easier said than done, but I'd pack him a bag right now and tell him to go.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, he could ever say to me could repair the damage he has done. Nothing.

You might not want to do this alone, I understand, but honestly, it will be better than trying to do it with him. Rip the plaster off and get on with getting on. You can do it 💐

Follow your heart, keep the baby if that's what you want. He has shown you his true colours now which must be heartbreaking for you, but I'm not sure I could forgive such cruel comments even if he does a u turn on how he feels about this new baby. You can do this by yourself.

He sounds absolutely vile, OP. Separating from someone who suggested I might lose my baby sounds like what I would do.

Offred - I wouldn't have a clue if he was cheating, it's not something that's previously crossed my mind but he is away a lot at the moment & doesn't seem himself. Maybe it is a possibility I need strongly to consider as he's never behaved like this before.

Silentbatoerson - I think I'm looking for a bit of all of that really. As silly as it sounds, I've never been in this position before & after his comments, I've been left feeling so confused & wondering if wanting to go ahead with the pregnancy was selfish of me.

I also wanted some practical advice re. finances etc. I'm currently working part time, but I don't know if I will be able to afford maternity leave now. I know there is help I can get in terms of paying rent etc, but the last time I took mat leave, we had DP's income to support us as well as statutory maternity pay.

Do you have a local CAB?

They can do a benefits assessment for you even just on various hypothetical situations to help you work out what you need to claim and what would leave you better/worse off.

They can also work out child maintenance entitlement.

Or you can do it using turn2us or entitledto and the cms calculator online

I do, I hadn't thought of CAB. I will pop in next week & try & see what is available to me. I think I need to stick a practical head on so that I don't spend the next 8 months worrying about finances & get some sort of plan in action.

Yeah, usually the way my CAB works (though all are slightly different) is you go to the drop in and have a short assessment just to get a picture of all the relevant information and they will give you an appointment to come back for the benefits assessments.

Some have a telephone service for the initial assessment.

I do the initial assessments at my CAB if you were my client I would want to get a general picture of his and your income and the terms of your maternity pay/leave. What, if any, benefits you were claiming, any debts and outgoings and your housing situation.

I'd ask you to bring more specific numbers with you to the appointment.

I'd probably ask whether you felt you needed any signposting to pregnancy support services or suggest you make an appointment with the gp and I'd discuss with you, if you were comfortable, a little about the history of your relationship with a view to understanding whether there had been any abuse and whether you might benefit from signposting/a referral to DV services.

I might also make you aware of coram children's legal centre re any advice about contact issues but it depends how much you could take in at the time.

In your position I would not have the baby. I'd save my sanity and look forward to children with a different future partner as it looks like you have no future with this one.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm sorry your partner has reacted so appallingly. I agree with everything PPs have said.

Money-wise, you will be entitled to:

• Statutory Maternity Pay
• Child Benefit (which you should already be getting)
• Child Tax Credits
• Housing Benefit (if you rent)
• Council Tax discount (25% single person discount) and maybe Council Tax Reduction too (which you would apply for when applying for Housing Benefit)

...as well as child maintenance from your STBXP.

You will also be entitled to Working Tax Credits if you normally work 16 hours or more per week, while you're on maternity leave and if you return to work.
If you decide not to return to work after maternity leave, you won't be entitled to Working Tax Credits but you will be entitled to Income Support instead. (Plus CB, CTC, HB, CTR as listed above.)

If you want to do the sums you could visit/contact your local Citizens Advice, as suggested, or use an online benefits calculator such as www.entitledto.co.uk or Turn2us.