Pregnant & DP has decided he doesn't want another baby

[SillyBilly18]

DP & I are likely to be in the process of separating. We have a 3 year old DC & I have just found out that I am around 4 weeks pregnant.

We suffered a miscarriage last year & have been trying for another ever since. I found out two days ago that I was pregnant & told DP thinking he would be thrilled. It turns out he doesn't want this baby & has now changed his mind about having another & has begged me to have an abortion.

I am so confused, I have been desperate for another for so long (I thought he was too, or so he said!) he says he wants nothing to do with this baby & if I keep it, then I am selfish & ruining his life. This has literally come from nowhere.

I really do not want an abortion, so it looks like I would be doing this by myself if I went ahead with the pregnancy.

Has anyone here had any experience of this? I just don't know what to do for the best.

Sorry if this is long, but any advice would be massively appreciated.

When I have seen this happen before on these boards (partner not want a planned-for baby), it has always because they've started cheating during ttc and realise this changes things/will change things/should change things and they don't like this!

Why otherwise would he ask someone he supposedly loves to abort a wanted baby?

PRICK.

Sorry OP :(

I agree....what an utter twcunt

Was he thinking you were ruining his life when he was sleeping with you? Of course he bloody wasn't!

He was happy to not use contraception and he happliy agreed to try for another child. No wonder you are confused 😐

Listen, he is a cruel bastard....saying that you'll probably miscarry anyway

Wether, you decide to have this child or not is up to you....but I wouldn't and couldn't be with someone who has done/said those things.

I also agree with Offred....that it wouldn't surprise me if there was another women.

What a horrible piece of work he is. Everything he has said about you losing the baby and a termination is awful in isolation but given that you have previously had a miscarriage, it is particularly cruel of him.

I would go ahead with the pregnancy in your shoes, if you want a baby and if you feel a termination is not an option for you. If you would be terminating to appease him, then I think that will wreck your head, especially given the miscarriage.

I wonder if OW. Although I am also wondering how he took the previous MC - is it possible that has given him cold feet and made him scared? I went a bit lou after my MC and remember one month thinking I might be pregnant and being convinced I couldn't go through with it because I was so scared of MC again. His horrible comments make me think it isn't that, but you never know. Not that I would feel especially sympathetic regarding that - although MC happen to both parents, it happened to your body and you're pregnant now.

Are you happy to be pregnant? Daft question I know, but I think your answer lies in that. Ideally DP would be on board too, but which do you want more? Is it that he doesn't want another now, or ever? Is ever a deal breaker for you? Because if that's the case, it sounds like the end regardless.

What a fucking cunt

Can't offer anything that hasn't already been advised, but I just wanted to offer my congratulations - and commiserations on finding out what a prick he is

*Loopy not lou

You planned this baby. I think you'll majorly regret an abortion, especially after a miscarriage. Xxx

What a thundercunt! NO way I'd have a termination if I didn't want one. 'ruined his life' my arse. He's a grown man. I'd make it clear, there will be NO termination, no more discussion of one and if he tries to, kick him out. Congratulations!

Thank you Offred and AnotherEmma. I will get all info regarding incomes, outgoings etc together & take to the CAB. It's a relief to know I should be able to take maternity leave if I can get some sort of Working Tax Credits to help top up my salary.

Lonelystarbuckslover - I am happy to be pregnant (as crazy as that may sound given the circumstances). My DC is also desperate for a sibling. He is now at the age where he is starting to notice that other children have siblings to play with, and has been asking for one for some time.

DP has said that he may want another child in the future, but not now. I feel like this is a huge gamble for me to take, he may just be saying this to persuade me into an abortion & I don't think it is worth the risk as I obviously can't trust him anymore.

I just can't believe that this is the same person who cried with happiness when we discovered I was expecting DS, then again when we discovered that he was a boy & when he was born & has worshipped him for the last 3 years. He has been a brilliant dad to him. I feel so sad that this baby won't have that same love from him, and feel like I don't know who he is anymore.

It doesn't sound crazy to be happy at all. It's lovely news and especially having been TTC and having had a MC you are right to be happy. Your DC desire for a sibling and your own happiness blows your DPs opinion out of the water. If he'd voiced concerns about TTC I would understand it but he hasn't. You are right not to trust him I think.

That said, there is a way to go yet and I hope he will come round eventually, but I also think you shouldn't wait for that either. I hope for your DCs sake he pulls himself together at some point.

I hope you have good people around you

Do NOT believe the 'I would like another baby sometime' line...

However - I am going to float a possible hypothesis here.
You say you had a miscarriage in recent years. How was DP about this pregnancy. ? How was he when you miscarried. ? Is there any chance that this could simply be his stupid man-reaction to being scared of you losing the baby again ? A sort of 'self-preservation' from the pain of loss in case it happens. ..If you abort then you can't 'lose it' .. control remains with you both as opposed to being at the mercy of nature.... just a thought ? Men can be very peculiar creatures.

Yeah, for me personally I would not be able to abort a planned child I was already pregnant with on the vague promises of a possible future child from a man who had spoken to me so unbelievably cruelly and who appeared to have tricked me into thinking he wanted this pregnancy.

And I think in your position if I would have to leave him purely over the miscarriage comment. I would never ever be able to forget the cruelty of that.

It really wouldn't matter what issues he may have that led him to say that.

It is just a truly appalling thing I would probably be thinking of every time I looked at him.

Everything you have posted says that this is a very longed-for baby (by you), that your other child would also be happy about it. Under no circumstance would I think you should abort this baby. You've got more than enough love to care for it. You need to ignore your 'D'H, the time for him to say any of this was before he helped make this baby. Am angry on your behalf that he's putting you through this, bloody idiot . Have lots of , you can do this without him.

Because of what he's said, you couldn't ever go back from this even if you did decide to have an abortion.

You'll resent him everyday for it & what would happen if you fell pregnant again? Or he indeed says "oh now I want another baby"....he's ruined everything by being so damn selfish.

Remember OP that when you're on maternity leave, the first £100 a week of your maternity pay isn't counted as income for tax credits purposes. Meaning you get a bit more than you otherwise would.

From the things you have said you would regret aborting this loved, planned for baby. I would take what he has said as 'he never wants to see any of you ever again' , believe him, and act according ( and make him pay maintenance of course). If you are feeling selfish , think of if you bought a house. If you and your (ex) do had decided to buy a house, had talked about it, had looked at houses, had made offers, been accepted, and settled, then he said he really didn't want to buy a house, wasn't going to live there or pay the mortgage , you would justifiably be furious, not wonder if you were being selfish!

Personally, I would be telling people in RL.

Not only do you need some RL support, but why the hell should you keep quiet about he has said!

I also wouldn't put any trust in the fact that if you were to abort this child then he may may want one in the future. This is your body...he doesn't get to dictate what you do...he should have thought about that when he willingly started TTC.

If he hasn't already l think you need to ask him to leave.

What he has said (that should read).

I hate him for this. I feel humiliated & foolish. He has even suggested that I will lose this one, like I lost the last one & that it would be for the best. How can someone be so cruel?

I'm so sorry, OP. I can't see how your marriage can survive something like this.

What an unforgivable thing to say. I would be ending the relationship over it regardless of what I decided to do about the pregnancy, or if, sadly, the pregnancy doesn't last for some reason. His response is incredibly callous, selfish and cruel. I couldn't stay with someone who would treat me and our future child this way.

Have you considered the possibility that he is cheating on you? That the reason he's so upset and shocked is that he was looking for a way out of the relationship ... and he just didn't bother to tell you he was having doubts? You being pregnant will be awfully tricky to explain to an OW, and he also knows it will mean higher child maintenance payments for him. Not to mention he will look like an utter *rse for walking out on a pregnant wife.

Figure out what you want to do, what you can do. Check with CAB, as someone else has suggested. Run the numbers. Decide if you want another baby under the circumstances. He doesn't get a vote at this point after the things he has said to you. You decide what you want. Then go from there.

Good luck, OP.

There are certain things that you cannot unsay. Saying you hope a person miscarries a planned pregnancy is one of them.

You cannot go forward. If you stay together and you do miscarry then you will always wonder did he bring it about with the negative thinking. If you do stay and have the baby you will always no matter what he does you will be constantly watching how he behaves with both children. If you have an abortion then you will always know he didn't want your second child to be born. Even if you stayed had an abortion and then got pregnant further down the line the abortion will never leave you.

I think judging by his reaction he was planning to leave and had already worked out how much child support he would need to pay based on one child and now it is going to double.

I'd put money on him having an affair. You being pregnant just adds a whole pile of guilt onto him and this is his way of trying to paint you as the unreasonable one. Don't let him - he's the cunt.

Even if he changed his mind about the pregnancy his behaviour is unforgivable.

You will be fine. Your children will be fine. It's him who is going to have a big fucking mess to sort out.

What kind of man tries for a baby with his wife, only to turn around and beg her to get rid of it once she finds out she's pregnant? Sounds like you'd all be better off away from him to be honest.

This. You have been actively trying for a few months from what I'm reading here. He knows how the miscarriage affected you. He is an utter disgrace. Please do not have an abortion to please this man, it sounds like he won't be pleased regardless.

My DS was IVF with all the expense and turmoil that goes with it and at 9 weeks my ex turned around and said get rid.
I didn't obviously but the marriage ended that day even though we limped on for another 2.5 years.
I wish I'd walked away earlier, my GP advised me to have an arbortion and in many ways my life would be easier and different if I had but he's a gorgeous little boy.

Thank you so much for all of your replies. You've all been amazing. I feel much stronger for just posting here.

He needs to go. He has been here today & tried to tell me the afternoon that he has changed his mind yet again, and will support me but I feel like it's too late for that now. As you have all said, his comments about miscarrying were awful & unforgivable. I can't trust him & I'm struggling to even look at him. He's just not the person I thought he was.

I feel sad & overwhelmed, but I think I can do this by myself. I'm just going to try & make the best of this & enjoy my pregnancy as much as I can.