Pregnant & DP has decided he doesn't want another baby

[SillyBilly18]

DP & I are likely to be in the process of separating. We have a 3 year old DC & I have just found out that I am around 4 weeks pregnant.

We suffered a miscarriage last year & have been trying for another ever since. I found out two days ago that I was pregnant & told DP thinking he would be thrilled. It turns out he doesn't want this baby & has now changed his mind about having another & has begged me to have an abortion.

I am so confused, I have been desperate for another for so long (I thought he was too, or so he said!) he says he wants nothing to do with this baby & if I keep it, then I am selfish & ruining his life. This has literally come from nowhere.

I really do not want an abortion, so it looks like I would be doing this by myself if I went ahead with the pregnancy.

Has anyone here had any experience of this? I just don't know what to do for the best.

Sorry if this is long, but any advice would be massively appreciated.

Ending things with him would be the best thing. I could never look at him without wondering if he's hoping that I'd have a miscarriage.

What sort of man would want a woman to go through that, especially since she's already suffered a miscarriage before?

Good for you !

How would this baby ruin his life if one later wouldn't? He's lying.

You sound strong OP, which I'm glad for. Sorry you're with such a shit-face.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it all goes well.

I hate the same thoughts regarding him cheating as well.

I'm worried about how he begged you to abort and suddenly he's changed his mind. I'm very suspicious of that.

Please please don't take this the wrong way, but be careful with what you eat and drink from him.

I've known a similar situations where the man (who was cheating), set out to cause harm to the unborn child, and fearful that his OW would realise it wasn't a sexless marriage.

How does he go from begging you to abort, wanting you to miscarry and accusing you of being selfish and ruining his life, to now being okay.

Sorry to hear... I watch an awful lot of real life crime shows as well.

Please be safe, I'm sorry in advance if I've offended you.

As sandy says please do be careful re your food and drink intake. There was an American who tricked his father into prescribing an abortion pill for his girlfriend and then faked a prescription label and gave it to her telling her it was antibiotics. And more recently a Norwegian man who ground it up in his girlfriends smoothie.

Wishing you the best.

Basically don't let him anywhere near your food. Well done OP, I think you're better off without this man

My DD's father wanted me to abort her. I didn't. I knew I would love her and be able to care for her. I went through the pregnancy by myself, my friend was my birth partner. I have never, ever regretted my decision. He's never met her. His loss. She's wonderful, and I later married a lovely man who is her 'Dad'. Good luck to you, it sounds like you're going to find the strength to get through this .

So sorry that you're going through this. I agree with all the PPs that I don't think a relationship can survive this. Not just the insistence on an abortion but also the vile awful comment about another miscarriage.

A word of advice - if you're going to ask him to leave, try to get copies (take photos on your phone if needs be) of any financial documents of his - payslips, pensions, current account, savings, etc. If he'll change his mind over a planned pregnancy and declare he wants nothing to do with you and your DC, he'll also do anything he can to avoid supporting you. Whatever he says now and if you ask him to go, you need secret copies of financial stuff as a back up in case he later tries to lie and cheat his way out of his financial responsibilities towards his DC.

When looking at bank statements, etc, be prepared for some shocks. As others have said, this kind of about-turn rarely happens without reason, and usually that reason is another woman.

Best of luck for you and your DC.

So sorry that you're going through this. I agree with all the PPs that I don't think a relationship can survive this. Not just the insistence on an abortion but also the vile awful comment about another miscarriage.

A word of advice - if you're going to ask him to leave, try to get copies (take photos on your phone if needs be) of any financial documents of his - payslips, pensions, current account, savings, etc. If he'll change his mind over a planned pregnancy and declare he wants nothing to do with you and your DC, he'll also do anything he can to avoid supporting you. Whatever he says now and if you ask him to go, you need secret copies of financial stuff as a back up in case he later tries to lie and cheat his way out of his financial responsibilities towards his DC.

When looking at bank statements, etc, be prepared for some shocks. As others have said, this kind of about-turn rarely happens without reason, and usually that reason is another woman.

Best of luck for you and your DC.

I was in a similar situation. My first born was months old when I fell pregnant with my second - I had told my partner that I was fertile. He didn't listen and didn't use protection (he was emotionally abusive and sexually in some ways too). Huge shock when we found out. He wanted me to "get rid of it" and that it was "just a ball of cells". We were not struggling financially so there was no logic behind him wanting me to have an abortion, only that the timing didn't suit him

I refused, despite him telling me he would leave me if I didn't terminate the pregnancy. I said if I had the abortion, I would never forgive him anyway and the relationship would be over, so he could leave if he wanted. He accused me of choosing the baby over him, yadda yadda.

I had her. She is a toddler now and just lovely! So calm, content and smiley.. such a good child. Rarely cried, slept through the night. It was almost as if she was trying to prove herself. It took him ages to bond with her. I left my ex when she was very young, and we are much happier for it.

I made the right decision for me. You need to make the right decision for you because your DP doesn't sound nice at all... and your children... you have them forever ❤️

I'm so sorry your husband turned out to be a spineless cruel bastard. He really is a piece of work. Congratulations on the pregnancy

I'm sorry he's done this. I have three years between my two kids and the relationship they've got amazes me.
I'm a single parent and it's tough but manageable. I adore them and wouldn't be without either despite neither being planned.

In your shoes, having planned the pregnancy, I'd keep it. I was bullied into an abortion once and it was the most horrendous experience of my life. I cried for weeks.

Kick him out, let him see ds, and refuse to discuss second baby or relationship with him. He's shown his colours. To me, what he's said is unforgivable. I'd say to him simply 'I'm not discussing that, I will only talk to you about ds'

I've managed to access all of the bank statements, we have a joint account & separate accounts each & can't see anything unusual on anything, just nursery bills, household bills & the occasional bill for a takeaway. We share an iCloud & I can't see anything on there either, I've checked emails, deleted items etc. He leaves everything logged in so I can access it all from my tablet & phone without him being there.

I've taken notes of all of our financial information just in case & I've transferred money into my personal savings account as a back up. He hasn't left yet, he refused & wanted to talk last night, but I couldn't face it. He's out today on a fishing trip with my friend's DH so at least I can think things through properly today.

Cake - do you mind me asking if your children have contact with your ex? The thought of being a single mum to two is terrifying me at the moment, I'm trying to be strong but I'm so worried I won't be able to cope. I'm guessing if he does want contact then I will need to sort out some sort of arrangement, but the thought of being without my DS is horrible. I've never spent the night away from him, so this is going to be hard for me.

I'm a single mum of 4 and it's no picnic but it's ok, you'll be ok. Your DS doesn't have to go over night legally until he's three and even tbh it's flexible. Try and stay out of court that's my advice.

Gah i just wrote a reply and it got deleted. I promise I'll be back later to reply properly x

He's not going to put anything on the icloud or leave deleted emails for you to see if he's hiding anything, unless he's careless.

I'm not saying this is the case, but people have opened a secret bank account (online only and no statements being posted), have secret phones and secret email accounts.

When people set out to hide something, they're good at covering their tracks. They are always one step ahead.

Silly - I'm also a single mum of 4.

I was a single mum of 2 for two years before meeting xh and having twins.

I would say everytime without qualification it is much much easier and happier to be a single mum than have an unsupportive, crappy or abusive partner.

I went through my second pg etc as a single mum and it was the happiest and most settled time of my life. With DS (eldest) I was with the guy I mentioned above and it was miserable in every way. Twin pg exposed how unequal my marriage also was and was also really miserable.

My sister is married to a wonderful guy who is 100% there for her and committed to the family, they have just had a baby and it has really illustrated exactly why I found pg/early years so hard with an unsupportive partner and why I enjoyed DD pg/birth/early years so much.

The thing that really pissed me off re the twins was everyone thought I was OK because I had a husband despite him being PA/EA and not supportive so I floundered doing it alone and trying to get him to help.

There was a lot of help around when I was having DD but I didn't even need any, just being without the worry and stress of a crappy OH made all the difference in the world.

Offred I can relate to that. I had two pregnancies with my EA ex and both were so difficult because of his insults and criticism. (Childbirth was a breeze in comparison!!) I was exhausted all the time, and not my usual chatty, sociable self. Ex said to me "it's hard work being with you like this!!" Once DC1 arrived, my ex made me go on a one hour walk with him (to shift the baby weight!!) with the buggy, two days after the birth. I had retained membranes (I didn't know at the time) and it felt like someone was pulling me down from inside my tummy - by the we got back to the car I was in so much pain I nearly passed out.

Since he's been gone, I haven't missed him. At all. Just a sense of liberation, that is all I feel. I really didn't love him by the time I ended it. In fact, I despised him for what he did / has done to me.

Please take care, men like this have been known to engineer 'accidents'. Please call the police if he becomes aggressive.

How are you doing today SillyBilly?

Stay safe