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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heart broken

67 replies

Clairep83 · 28/12/2016 00:51

My husband of 12 years and 2 children has just told me he doesn't have feelings for me anymore sad

OP posts:
Gracey1231 · 28/12/2016 01:27

aw honey I'm so so sorry :( hugs x

Jenice · 28/12/2016 01:35

Sending you a big hug also.... What sparked the conversation if you don't mind me asking? Just hoping it is the stress of the festivities and said in the heat of the moment

Original poster
Clairep83 · 28/12/2016 03:30

He just said he's felt like this for weeks no arguments even slept together last night but yet this morning he announces this! He says there's no one else. My eldest of 13 will be deverstated. I've not slept I feel sick hoping it will be a nightmare I can't do this on my own x

OP posts:
SparkyStar84 · 28/12/2016 03:38

What an awful time of year to come out with such a thing. Could you suggest couples counselling or something similar like date nights to see if you can reignite the flame. One thing as long as he's saying this, don't be his go to girl when he's in the mood, it'll just make you feel worse. I'm really sorry I can't help anymore. He must have specific reasons. See if it's anything that can be rectified. Good luck.

Original poster
Clairep83 · 28/12/2016 03:58

Thank you. We have been together since we were 17 and are now 34 with a mortgage and 2 children. He says there's no point coynselling as he doesn't think there's any point of return. I want him to stay x

OP posts:
userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 28/12/2016 04:09

Hi claire I'm sorry to hear this but sometimes it just doesn't last.

Has he said anything about leaving? Has there been alcohol or anything else taken tonight?

Sometimes relationships get stale and you get stuck in a rut, I know that's what happened with DW and I as well as other issues.

Time is what you need, and time apart may be exactly what you need. Let him know your feelings, but respect his too....if it is meant to be nothing anyone else can do will break it, if it isn't meant to be nothing you do will save it.

Try some counselling in your own in the first instance, then see if he is open to attending in a few weeks

SandyY2K · 28/12/2016 04:28

I'm sorry about your situation. I think he wants to start the new year afresh and there may well be an OW. He just doesnt want to look bad.

Why has he not said anything all along?

Thinking back .... were there any changes in his behaviour?
Like trips away, secrecy with phone, late night working, change in appearance, going to the gym?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/12/2016 11:54

I'm sorry - this is the cheaters script to a 'T'
Do NOT do the pick me dance.
Try to stay as calm as possible when he is around.
He will swear on your DC life there is no-one else.
They all do this too!

Do you work?
What is the house situation? Mortgage, rented?
You need to get some legal advice asap!
Search google for family solicitors in your area that offer a free half hour.
Best to know where you stand. See as many of them as you can.
Have a look at this website and see what you would get in child maintenance.

He's already prepared for this.
YOU are not!
So get as much info as you can as quickly as you can.
Wage slips, joint account and any other account information, marriage certificate, assets i.e. cars, properties, pensions.

He doesn't even want to try so he has someone else lined up.
I'm so so sorry you are going through this.
Loads of us on here have been right where you are so we have a whole host of information for you.

Tell people. Tell people as quickly as you can.
Your family and friends will be the ones to get you through this.
That is by far my biggest regret. Keeping his dirty secret while I had to suffer in silence.
Do NOT suffer in silence. You need love and support so reach out and get it!

Don't worry too much about sleep, the adrenalin will keep you going for a while.
But you must keep hydrated and your sugar levels up because there will be a crash and it hits hard!
Right now you are in shock so you need to keep your energy levels up.

Flowers for you - this is a truly shite time. No 2 ways about it.
But get some love and support around you as the 1st thing you do!

Keep venting on here.
Ask all the questions you can think of on here and hopefully some of us will know the answers.

Dowser · 28/12/2016 12:50

Hells bells is spot on.
I think he has someone waiting in the wings.

A man very rarely leaves unless he has another billet to go to or he's in an extremely abusive, uncaring, unloving relationship at home and while that is not the case here, some men will even put up with that because they can't bear to be parted from their children or would worry that the mother would turn the abuse onto them.

It's horrible but being forewarned is forearmed. I had this after 30 years of marriage and I didn't have mn.
Mine didn't tell me he was cheating. He just made my life hell for ten months till the truth came out. Christmas Eve 2005,

I was like Emma Thomson in love actually. I kept going into the bedroom to cry before coming back out with a smile on for the family on Christmas Day.
Buckle up for the ride dear op, we can get you through it.

Treat him as the enemy from now on ( until you are 101 per cent sure he is innocent)'and don't give away any of the game plan.

While you are falling apart, this is the time you need your business head on.

Outwitting him at every move was what got me through it.

We are here for you.

Dowser · 28/12/2016 12:56

I also got I love you but I'm not in love with you shtick.

I'd love to meet someone who said, right ok, you'd better make plans for leaving then.

No point in hanging around. I'll help you pack.

I'd help them out of the door so fast that their head would spin.

Brutal I know but it's equally brutal when they pull that stunt too.

Save your tears for when he's out of earshot.

Frankelly66 · 28/12/2016 13:20

There isn't much to say because nothing can make you feel better right now. So sorry this is happening to you, Confide in a good friend, keep busy and don't be intimate with him

Cloudylemons · 28/12/2016 14:34

Exactly what hellsbells says.

PickAChew · 28/12/2016 14:38

A few weeks?

No one throws a long term relationship away because they've not been feeling it for a couple of weeks.

There's definitely more to it than that.

FatOldBag · 28/12/2016 14:51

Agree 100% with hellsbells, great advice too. Sorry you're going through this OP but do see it for what it is. Get legal advice ASAP re divorce, division of assets (the house etc). Flowers

Kr1stina · 28/12/2016 14:59

What's hells bells said.

Phone your best friend /close family member and arrange to go over to their house tonight and tell them everything. Leave H at home to watch kids.

Get legal advice . Make your own plans for when he leaves and don't discusss them with him.

GloriousRoob · 28/12/2016 15:03

Blimey. hard to hear but I think the others are right. Don't plead with him to stay. Have faith that you will get over it in the future (you will).
Tell him ''ok, when are you movinng out?''.

And get legal advice. Agree with the advice not to discuss your own plans with him.

leaveittothediva · 28/12/2016 15:14

Unbelievable. So sorry for you. That's just awful. Are you sure there is nothing else going on, no signs, him being off with you, him staying out. It's very odd. Thinking about it for weeks. Doesn't want to try even to sort it out. I'm thinking he has someone else too. You look after yourself, please tell a friend who will be supportive, you need someone to talk to. Your poor teenager. He really picks his moments. Sad.

Paralysed · 28/12/2016 15:15

I'm not sure it's helpful to instantly cry "cheat!" It might help someone feel better in the sense that if he's labelled a cheat it instantly makes the leaving partner "to blame", which might be comforting but not necessarily true. Ultimately, what do the reasons matter? If he doesn't love you, he doesn't love you.

I do agree the "weeks" thing sounds a bit hasty, though.

Either way, I'm so sorry to hear it. fingers crossed for you.

Paralysed · 28/12/2016 15:18

People's feelings do change, though, especially in couples who have been together since their teens. You grow up together and often that means growing apart. People are complicated, not that you'd necessarily know it from talk of "scripts" and "all men" which some posters are keen on on Mumsnet. Men have as complex an inner life as women, and people do fall out of love. Nobody can force themselves to feel a dead feeling.

Angrybird123 · 28/12/2016 15:29

But paralysed let's say you're right and his feelings just changed, it didn't happen overnight, you don't go from happy (as in normal, domestic rubbing along, not honeymoon period).it's utterly unfair to keep it all to himself for a few months, thinking about options, possibly seeking legal advice, having imaginary conversations where he gets to make up both sides and it all comes out amicably and then just sprung a done deal on the OP who has been unknowingly 'on trial'for however long he's been thinking about this. My ex who left for ow did this. Although he openly admitted he was going to her, within a very short time he was turning it all round to blame shortcomings in our marriage - the May or maynot have been true but the marriage is a joint enterprise and BOTH partners should have some role in its survival or demise if it's just about feeling bored / stale etc. If the OP's husband genuinely hasn't got an OW (and I'd be amazed if he didnt ) then he damn well didnt have the right to let things get to 'i'm leaving' without telling her at a much earlier stage that he was struggling so that they could have adressed issues together.

Paralysed · 28/12/2016 15:41

I don't disagree with any of that. He definitely should've managed it better. But in my short time on this forum I've seen a lot of really black and white thinking, real victim/villain stuff. Life doesn't work like that and I'm not sure it's helpful to act as if it does, no matter the comfort that may come in the short term.

Anyway. I wish the OP all the strength and love for what happens next. That's all that matters.

Original poster
Clairep83 · 28/12/2016 18:02

He isn't secretive and is adamant there is no one else. I think it would be easier if there was then I could have some clarity on the matter. I have just been normal today and he's struggled with that. He came in and say our eldest will be deverstated when we tell her won't she? So I just looked at j and he said what I have made my bed so lie in it and I replied I have screamed, cried and begged you to stay you know how I feel and you know how you feel now the decision is yours he just cried and walked out.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 28/12/2016 19:01

OP, like the others I absolutely believe he has an exit affair at the very least on the go. Get him out of the house as soon as possible. He will other wise just mooch about whilst he makes his mind up and in the long run that will hurt you more.

ChristinaParsons · 28/12/2016 20:47

Other woman. Sorry
Tell him to go

Original poster
Clairep83 · 28/12/2016 21:14

He's going looking at a month by month contract flat tomorrow x

OP posts:
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