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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner not home and its 8.30am

53 replies

westeringhome · 18/12/2016 08:44

Morning all, my partner of 4 years went to help his dad yesterday and the last contact I had was at 10pm when he said he was having beer with his mate and wouldn't be long. Fast forward to 5am and I texted him to ask if all was ok. No reply. I'm now up with the baby and toddler, still no sign. He has done this once before and I found out where he was by asking his dad, who told me he he was at his and hadn't been able to get a taxi home. No-one thought to let me know. I gave him hot tongue for that one. I suspect same thing this time but I cba chasing to find out. Would you bother or just wait?? Supposed to be having early Christmas dinner at his dad's today but after this I don't feel like it. What would you do?

OP posts:

LillyLollyLandy · 18/12/2016 08:45

I'd rip him a new one. It's unacceptable behaviour.

NapQueen · 18/12/2016 08:46

If he has form for it then I'd assume same again. I'd not be pursuing him - just get on with your day. If he gets in touch let him know how unhappy you are he has done this again.

SmellySphinx · 18/12/2016 08:46

Go out!

Original poster

westeringhome · 18/12/2016 08:57

Yeh I'll see if I can get the little ones ready before (if) he skulks in and just bugger off for the day. Leave him to tell his whole extended family why we ain't there. I knew it would turn out like this, anything to do with his dad and its a case of drinks in, wits out. I won't be left sitting at home wondering where the fuck he is.

OP posts:

Bagina · 18/12/2016 09:02

This has happened to me twice. The last time I walked out as he walked in. Left him with the kids. It's not acceptable when you've got responsibilities; and your behaviour means more work for someone else. The way I see it is that they can stay out, but the lack of contact is not fair. If the roles were reversed my dh would be ringing the police.

Always bloody alcohol! If his dad is part of the problem I'd not be going for dinner. Let him go with the kids.

Original poster

westeringhome · 18/12/2016 09:10

I'm breastfeeding every 1-2 hours so can't leave the littlest one unfort

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 18/12/2016 09:18

Go out and take the children. Have you got friends or family you could visit today? Or find a nice activity for the children?

Don't contact him and let him sort out the situation with his family. What a thoughtless idiot he is!

blueskyinmarch · 18/12/2016 09:22

I think i would try to be out before he comes home. Don’t let him know where you have gone and don’t answer any of his messages, Give him a taste of his own medicine. Have you got friend or family you can go to for the whole day?

jeaux90 · 18/12/2016 09:30

Yep go out and have a lovely day with the kids. Make sure you ignore his texts so he knows how it feels

Original poster

westeringhome · 18/12/2016 10:14

I could go to my sister's. Although I hate game playing, I will ignore him for the day, that's if he even has the guts to try and contact me. Still no word and he's usually always up and about by now even after a night out. Pissed off doesn't come close.

OP posts:

Bagina · 18/12/2016 10:15

It's better to leave. It's not worth the argument. Perhaps he's getting the dinner started.

AdamantEve · 18/12/2016 10:19

I'm in the same position, finally got hold of him, he's at a mates and is going back to sleep! Unbelievable. And had the temerity to swear at me and hang up cos I wasn't happy with his behaviour.
Getting kids ready to go out now. One day I'll decide enough's enough...

Huskylover1 · 18/12/2016 10:21

I think i would try to be out before he comes home. Don’t let him know where you have gone and don’t answer any of his messages, Give him a taste of his own medicine

^^ Definitely this!

ChipIn · 18/12/2016 10:24

What bluesky said. If it's ok to do it overnight then it's ok for you to do it during the day.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 18/12/2016 10:28

I'm pretty laid back about most things but this would royally piss me off!

Definitely go out and leave him to it, selfish arse.

Hermonie2016 · 18/12/2016 10:30

I don't like game playing but realistically you will not be able to have a conversation over text so perhaps don't respond until you feel calm and able to discuss with him.

I think it's so irresponsible, just immature and if he's done it twice I suspect you will get more of this.I feel for you

Original poster

westeringhome · 18/12/2016 12:24

Got out the shower to 2 voicemails, dad's partner was away to run him the 10 mins home. I ignored but no way was I ready to head out the door with the kids. So I ask, why not let me know where he was. He said he was at his dads. Had no phone battery. Didn't want to wake them by using house phone (but was happy for me to be awake most of the night wondering where he was) I asked how he would like it. He said he would be fine if I stayed out at my sisters. I said what if you didn't know I was at my sisters. He said but I was at my dad's. Yes, round and circles we go. Apparently "it isn't his fault if I have insecurities and I ought to go and have a cigarette and chill the fuck out" One measly sorry on the answer phone and it's me that's unreasonable.

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 18/12/2016 12:33

I hate the lack of responsibility but I wouldn't engage since it will just be futile.

Tell him clearly that you expect to know where he is.That is your boundary as it's about basic respect for your partner.If he does this again it's your choice what to do.When would you end a relationship over this? 5th or 6th time? Or can you live with it?

How old is he? Is he otherwise respectful and thoughtful?

AlabasterSnowball · 18/12/2016 12:33

What a twat. Do you believe him?

Bagina · 18/12/2016 12:36

I believe him, but with young kids you don't get to not come home and then have a massive lie in without prior arrangement. Don't argue. He's probably still pissed and no good will come of it.

I think you make your expectations clear when you do talk, that next time will be the last time.

Mrskeats · 18/12/2016 12:47

This man is a husband and father?
Pathetic.
This is not about boundaries or expectations. What about manners and not treating your partner like shit?

Huskylover1 · 18/12/2016 13:18

Surely his Dad had a mobile with your number in it? He could have texted you from that.

magoria · 18/12/2016 13:45

You didn't know he was at his dad's. Last contact you had was he was going out with his mate for a beer.

Typical selfish prick trying to make his shitty actions your fault.

Original poster

westeringhome · 18/12/2016 14:06

He's 43 and is normally thoughtful and caring. Except when drunk. He is making me feel like I'm in the wrong for feeling the way I do, even though its all his doing. I've told him I expect communication, the kind of common courtesy that I show him, and that he's shown no basic manners and disrespected me. Yes engagement is futile and he seems to think that I should be grateful he tried to call as soon as he woke up. I do actually believe him as it was his dad's landline that called me and his dad's partner who took him home. They wouldn't cover for him either if he was speaking shite. I was married to manchild (who was also a lot of other things beside this) for 15 years and I promised myself I'd never take any more crap. The last time he did this I told him it would be the last time. I now need to decide whether I can be bothered with this kind of carry on, whether it is trivial and I'm overreacting as I'm being made to feel, or to stop caring (what kind of relationship would that be then??) or what. Thanks for all your advice and comments, it has helped me a lot.

OP posts:

AlabasterSnowball · 18/12/2016 14:22

43???? is that in dog years?
I think you've swapped one child for another. It's disgusting behaviour and the fact that he's not even apologetic and trying to shift the guilt onto you is even worse.
Not on Westering this isn't how loving partners behave

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