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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner not home and its 8.30am

53 replies

westeringhome · 18/12/2016 08:44

Morning all, my partner of 4 years went to help his dad yesterday and the last contact I had was at 10pm when he said he was having beer with his mate and wouldn't be long. Fast forward to 5am and I texted him to ask if all was ok. No reply. I'm now up with the baby and toddler, still no sign. He has done this once before and I found out where he was by asking his dad, who told me he he was at his and hadn't been able to get a taxi home. No-one thought to let me know. I gave him hot tongue for that one. I suspect same thing this time but I cba chasing to find out. Would you bother or just wait?? Supposed to be having early Christmas dinner at his dad's today but after this I don't feel like it. What would you do?

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 18/12/2016 14:25

The last time he did this I told him it would be the last time.

This wasn't enough ^^ to make him stop so he obviously didn't believe you would follow through, and if you don't follow through he now has free reign over what he does as he knows he will get away with it!!!!

Dreadful situation for you to be in and l am so sorry you find yourself in this position.
For what it's worth l would make a stand and not go for Christmas dinner today--let him know you have had enough. Take time for you to decide what you want to do and make plans.
He is deflecting his guilt onto you so that you start to think you are in the wrong.

For me it would take a hell of a lot to get over his behaviour this time

StewieGMum · 18/12/2016 14:56

He's done this twice. He will do it again. He will continue to blame you for 'over reacting' to his disappearances. Now you need to be thinking about whether or not you want to spend your life with a man who can't be arsed to treat you with respect and who uses alcohol as an excuse to behave appallingly.

happychristmasbum · 18/12/2016 16:12

If he had been remorseful - agreed it was unacceptable and been falling over himself to be helpful, I might have considered forgiving him.

However, him turning it all around on you is not on. I would be rethinking this relationship and evaluating whether I was being treated with love and respect.

Hermonie2016 · 18/12/2016 16:46

I really thought you would say 23!

How is he on other ways? Is this the only area of conflict? I suspect not though as he seems immature.

If he's otherwise a good guy does he do this as a form of revenge, passive aggressive behaviour, showing you he's not going to be controlled??
Is he just an idiot when drinking and genuinely tunes out so forgets to text?

Naicehamshop · 18/12/2016 19:23

Forty-three!!!!!!!!!

What a giant baby.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 18/12/2016 19:27

My dad has done this for years, it's caused my mum endless worry over the years. I couldn't put up with it, shows a fundamental lack of concern.

IhatchedaSnorlax · 18/12/2016 19:33

Oh Op, that's shit. I really feel for you. I don't think you're overreacting at all, although can understand now the bigger dilemma of leaving.

FWIW, given your previous ultimatum, I think you need to leave / kick him out. Whether it's a permanent arrangement or just a temporary one would depend on his actions following that. Good luck.

Starsandcars9 · 18/12/2016 19:33

Hmm I wouldn't be do quick to trust him. His dad would absolutely cover for him and it's absolute rubbish about not using house phone! He could have called at any point - doesn't ring on their side!!! You need to find out where he really was.
You're not unreasonable at all. You've a young baby and he's acting like he's got not responsibilities... If you don't give him consequences now it will only happen again.
How did the day pan out? Has he said sorry properly yet?

SuiteHarmony · 18/12/2016 23:51

My dad did this for years too. For ever, actually.

My ExH did it too. Once he apologised for how worried I must have been about him when he didn't come home until 6am. I told him I wasn't worried, I was angry that he was such a selfish prick.

Original poster

westeringhome · 19/12/2016 07:58

I know its selfish behaviour. Every time he goes out, which isn't that often to be fair, there comes a problem. He doesn't know when to stop drinking, I've been out with him plenty of times to see a marked change in his attitude (ie "nobody tells me what do do, I'll decide" sort of crap, not lecherous or anything) with just 1 too many. It's like a switch. He was brought up by heavy drinkers who too also just never could finish the party (ie always last out the pub, oh let's go to the late opening bar, oh this kebab shop is still open, oh let's stand in the street yapping to anyone and everyone til oops where have all the taxis have gone...) I have witnessed it loads. So it is possibly his 'normal'? Or is that just a way of excusing it?? It must be hard from this post to believe that otherwise he is an absolute star. We always come first to home. Which I guess is where the problem lies in deciding whether to continue, because I know it will happen again, but I have to decide whether its a dealbreaker for me.
I didn't go off out for the day. I figured that would just delay the conversation. Once he seemed to have "got it" he was genuinely sorry and was bending over backwards to do things for me, we all did go to the family dinner, but I told him it was only for his dad's and partner's sakes (she is a lifelong friend of mine) and he shouldn't have put me in the situation of having to either now out and let them all down, or put on the happy-happy face and be all chatty when that was the opposite of how I felt.
It went ok as he was busy helping his dad while I was catching up with people so I didn't have to talk to him. I'm still majorly hacked off about the whole thing. I can't be doing with this kind of thing.

OP posts:

mummyto2monkeys · 19/12/2016 08:26

I just want to point out that landlines can and do call mobiles so his excuse was bs! You held things together really well, I know the last thing I would have wanted to do was socialise, especially with his Dad which it sounds like his Dad is covering for him! If the pub he went to was your film's local then I wouldn't be surprised if they stayed after hours for a lock in. What is totally out of order is that he supposedly went to visit his Dad, then ended up in the pub with his mate......I bet he had pre arranged all of this knowing fine well that you wouldn't be happy!

AnyFucker · 19/12/2016 08:32

No consequences at all for him then

He will do it again.

Original poster

westeringhome · 19/12/2016 08:41

That's just it AnyFucker. I told him how I feel, he has eventually apologised. I don't know what consequences there should be. I'm so unassertive.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/12/2016 08:48

Well, you warned him the time before it was "the last time". He did it again so your threat was clearly of no consequence to either of you

You were still there when he came back, keeping the home fires burning

You still went for the dinner and pretended everything was fine

Changing the outcome of any combination of those three points would have been a consequence of his actions.

WannaBe · 19/12/2016 08:51

It would be a deal-breaker in my relationship. I have no issue with a partner going out and staying out all night if that's what they've said that's what they're going to do. Watch some crap on television and an early night where I get to the bed to myself - bring it on. but saying they're going to be home in an hour or two so you wait up for them and then just not bothering to come home or get back in touch? What if you'd called the police? At this time of year it's not uncommon for people to go out, get drunk and end up in trouble, falling into rivers and such like.

You had reason to believe he was coming home and he just didn't turn up.

Personally, I'd be sending him back to live at his dad's if he can't drag himself away to the extent he can't even let his partner know he's not coming home.

Original poster

westeringhome · 19/12/2016 10:00

When some of the family members asked why we were late I was totally upfront and said I nearly didn't come because we were having problems as he didn't tell me he was here all night, so I didn't really pretend everything was ok. They just said they hoped I'd given him an ear bashing. Like that makes it ok.

OP posts:

Original poster

westeringhome · 19/12/2016 10:02

I have read many a thread on here and just thought oh pack his/her bags, but when it comes to yourself its not always as easy. I guess I'll have to think on this one. Thanks again for all your input.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 19/12/2016 14:27

So in 4 years he's gone AWOL all night and no communication - it's really selfish behaviour OP and as you say totally unacceptable.

I'd ensure I had a night out too, all night, let him see how it feels, plus he owes you a favour so that's a good one to call him on.

magoria · 19/12/2016 17:55

Easy as it is to say if you just think on this and do nothing then he knows you don't mean what you say.

There are no consequences apart from a little ear ache. That is well worth it for an evening out.

He will just do it again. Any again.

You said if he did it again. How many times is your limit? When the kids are old enough and realise?

Buttercupsandaisies · 19/12/2016 18:06

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say you're being a bit over the top.

Yes it's inconsiderate but I really don't think it's a huge deal - he went out with his mates and I'm guessing you know he may struggle for taxi and that he may have stayed at his dad's. You didn't know 100% but given that you expect it's so I figure he would expect you to realise that too

I know he didn't say that for sure but it reads to me that you're more annoyed with him staying out and you having to deal with the kids than you are actually worried. Which is under stable but twice in four years is nothing

My DH has done this once or twice (as have I) and it's no big deal in my eyes

It's certainly not worth causing hue row over

WannaBe · 19/12/2016 18:09

Really? Staying out all night with no notice is no big deal? .

Buttercupsandaisies · 19/12/2016 18:19

Yes people do go out, have too much to drink, crash at a friends - even parents! If a rare event I don't see the big deal. He's 43 he ain't 70.

WannaBe · 19/12/2016 18:37

But he has responsibilities at home. Imagine if they'd both gone out and hired a babysitter. Would it be ok for both of them to end up getting drunk and crashing and neither of them coming home? Or which one should be responsible and not get too drunk because one of them has to be there.....? Let me guess.....

It's one thing going out and calling at say 10:30 when he did and saying he was going out and thought he might not make it home. It's quite another to go out, call the OP and lie about where he was (said he was with a mate but was with his dad,) and then just not bother coming home....

AnyFucker · 19/12/2016 19:02

He should have let op know, butter

It's a simple thing, but it means the whole world

alotlikeChristmas16 · 19/12/2016 19:07

Yes I think it displays a fundamental 'im the boss you work for me' lack of respect. You're an old nag etc etc.

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