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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't speak to me until you're ready to have sex with me

53 replies

Kokorico · 09/12/2016 06:24

DH has just said this to me after I have told him it's over. I have trie to end things hundreds of times before but he always manages to get me to change my mind by using the children as weapons or saying he'll tell everyone my secrets (past abortion when younger, depression etc..) including my parents. Tonight I told him I would not be having sex with someone who disrespects me, gives me rules to follow, puts me down and won't even have a conversation with me. He has tried it on 4 times since and says everything is down to the fact I won't sleep with him (I won't) when I turned him down again saying it was over (again) he said don't speak to me til you're ready to have sex with me. Am I in the wrong? I have said nothing will change just by having sex we need to sort ourselves out but he just goes in a rage Don't really want answers just needed to get off my chest.

OP posts:

Dozer · 09/12/2016 06:26

How soon can you move out or make him move out?

Are you safe?

hesterton · 09/12/2016 06:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Kokorico · 09/12/2016 06:32

Yes am safe he's told me to move out and he is keeping the kids which is not happening. He won't go as I want to split up our family and he doesn't. I honestly think he has mental health issues he only sees things from his view and just says I don't understand if I try to explain anything about how I feel.

OP posts:

Honeyandfizz · 09/12/2016 06:32

Of course you are not in the wrong. You are in fact right nothing will change. Why would you want to be intimate with this man? Honestly try and make a plan of how you can separate. My h and I did in September and whilst there have been tough moments (the dc have been amazing btw) it has been liberating too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2016 06:36

Make plans now to separate from him; you need legal advice and asap. What Hesterton wrote re telling your family as well; abuse like you are experiencing thrives on secrecy.

Such abusive men usually involve the children and use them as weapons; he is following the abusers script to the letter here by saying that he will not move out and keep the children. Its simply used by them to keep their chosen victims in line.

Womens Aid can and will also help you here.

Original poster

Kokorico · 09/12/2016 06:39

Thank you for your replies I feel so much better writing it down, have no one else to talk to as he's banned me from talking to anyone about our relationship as I'm embarassing, made that mistake a few months ago and he still brings it up every couple of days when we are talking. He says it's better that he calls me things to my face as it's only us involved and by talking to someone I've brought others in. I feel so silly now I've written some of it down, there's a million and one other things he's done but would take forever to type them. Can't believe I've been putting up with this so long I was always so strong, feel like a little kid

OP posts:

Mooey89 · 09/12/2016 06:40

What an absolute cunt. Speak to women's aid about getting him out or moving out. I hope you are safe.

Mooey89 · 09/12/2016 06:44

Oh god OP you remind me so much of Me.
I was 'sharing our private details' by talking about the abuse. Now I'm a sociopath by 'bringing others into our marriage' (we've been separated for 3 years and in court over child contact!!!!)

You can do it.

headinhands · 09/12/2016 06:47

What's the housing situation? Do you work? Do you have other places you can live with the children such as a relative's? Op you know you don't deserve this. A relationship is about being adored and valued. You deserve nothing less than that.

Lemonwhacker · 09/12/2016 06:48

What a dangerous man you're with, and that's what he is dangerous. You don't need to be physical to be considered dangerous. Do speak to women's aid, also speak to your local council see if they can move you and your children to a safe location which doesn't involve him. Keep everything on the quiet if you can, tell no one either, because if he is not willing to let go then you must disappear when he isn't there. I'd also get a restraining order and set up visits to his children through a contact center or a friend which he can collect the kids from etc. Fingers crossed you are safe and get out of the 'relationship' quickly.

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 06:55

He hasn't quite understood the concept, has he? Hope you are safe, OP. Get help and support of you need it from Women's Aid, family, relatives, the police if necessary. He is relying on your secrecy.

sweetstemcauli · 09/12/2016 06:56

You have a coercive controller here, and I am very sorry for your situation, Kokorico. As pp have said get straight on to Women's Aid who will be able to help you. You can speak to anyone you like about your situation and your OH should leave. You have told us nothing silly, and you must now do whatever is necessary so that you and DC are safe. OH has lost the right to dictate any terms to you, do what is right for you now.

Do write things down, a log of what has happened will help you work through this.

Original poster

Kokorico · 09/12/2016 06:58

We have a house with mortgage but to be honest we bought it when house prices were high. I don't even think it's worth what we owe. I work part time 3 days a week so have an income. Did work ft til June but took pt as my mental health was suffering and I feared I might end up in hospital, I also wanted to see my children and take them to school etc. I told him I was feeling unwell and he said take the pt job. It is now the worst thing I've ever done as I've taken money out the home and he's going to quit his job and stay at home like me because I do what I want. Going to ring doctors today and try to get back in my anti depressants, he made me come off them as I was making it up, I didn't have anything to be depressed about and I was showing off when I told a couple of my friends, God he is such a bully when I read this back, I did tell him this a few weeks ago but it didn't go down well, he's never ever hit me but i can see that playing with your mind is also some sort of abuse (I think?) thank you so much for your comments, I could ring my mum but would hate for him to tell her things I've done, I'd hate to hurt her she's amazing and I don't want to let them down as I always seem to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kokorico · 09/12/2016 06:58

Sorry that was long!

OP posts:

sweetstemcauli · 09/12/2016 07:01

I think your mum will be on your side, OP. Don't be frightened to talk about difficult things with her - you are her child and that's what she's there for.

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 07:03

OP, even if he threatens to tell people you had an abortion, you don't need to confirm that that is true unless you want to. It is no-one else's business. I would hope your family would be as disgusted as I am that he would try to use this knowledge as a weapon, but you can always just say he is full of shit.

MrsBertBibby · 09/12/2016 07:03

He forced you off your anti depressants? And without medical supervision? That's extremely abusive, OP. Just as serious as physical abuse.

As is the blackmail. And the sexual bullying. Sick sick bastard.

Notnownornever · 09/12/2016 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Kokorico · 09/12/2016 07:09

I could deny it but he knows all the details so could be quite specific it was with a previous partner and was quite traumatic. It has affected me ever since and I suppose it has had an impact on our relationship which I do feel bad about, he has said he will smash my exs face in if he sees him as it's his fault I'm like this (depressed) I can see now he's been using this as a tool to keep me, I just can't get over it no matter what I try, has counselling, anti depressants etc is there anything else I could try or am I just blaming everything on that when it's the stuff that's happened in the 16 years after it that's the real problem? Sorry im talking to myself now just getting it out is helping

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 07:11

Try not to think about having to explain his nasty, small-minded little comments. It's not something you need to be ashamed of and it is your business. Just focus on getting out from under him.

NameChange30 · 09/12/2016 07:15

You know he's abusive, right?
Please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 (lines open 24/7) and the free Rights of Women family law helpline on 020 7251 6577 (lines only open at certain times but they include today 12-2pm).
You are going to need specialist support and legal advice to separate from this nasty bully, and those two helplines are the best place to start.

DameDeDoubtance · 09/12/2016 07:20

Tell people in real life, get it out there. Tell them your relationship with this abuser is over, men like this need secrecy to keep their appalling behaviour under the radar. Don't let him blackmail you, you've done nothing wrong at all. Please seek real life help, Women's aid

43percentburnt · 09/12/2016 07:20

Koko, tell your GP what is happening, tell him/her that your husband has made you stop taking your AD (you may find splitting up helps your depression anyway). Tell him/her about the blackmail and sexual coercion. You need audit trail. You may also need legal aid in the future.

being nice isn't going to make him reasonable - he is abusive and horrid. Protect yourself. Speak to women's aid.

Why don't you want your family to know about the ad and abortion? I would tell them (and not tell him you have told them).

Suburbopolis · 09/12/2016 07:21

Was in your shoes once. Had a scuffle over the phone while my x tried /succeeded in tell8ng my prim and proper mother my 'secrets'.
Mother never acknowledged hearing but she was appalled he'd blackmail me. He shot h8mself in the foot. She'd been annoyingly "six of one half a dozen of the other" up til that point.
Hope u r safe.
Why on earth does he think u'd wamt sex with him!!

IDismyname · 09/12/2016 07:21

I would think your DH is contributing hugely to your mental state at the moment - and that's not taking into account that he made you come off your ADs.

Go and talk to your DM. Tell her all, and what you're planning to do. She will support you.

You'll have heaps of excellent advice here.

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