Don't speak to me until you're ready to have sex with me

[Kokorico]

DH has just said this to me after I have told him it's over. I have trie to end things hundreds of times before but he always manages to get me to change my mind by using the children as weapons or saying he'll tell everyone my secrets (past abortion when younger, depression etc..) including my parents. Tonight I told him I would not be having sex with someone who disrespects me, gives me rules to follow, puts me down and won't even have a conversation with me. He has tried it on 4 times since and says everything is down to the fact I won't sleep with him (I won't) when I turned him down again saying it was over (again) he said don't speak to me til you're ready to have sex with me. Am I in the wrong? I have said nothing will change just by having sex we need to sort ourselves out but he just goes in a rage Don't really want answers just needed to get off my chest.

I honestly think he has mental health issues he only sees things from his view

Just as you having depression doesn't make you an unfit mother, him having any kind of mental health problems (even if so) doesn't excuse him. He's an abuser and an asshole: that's what you need to focus on at the moment.

I know many people with mental health problems who would never treat a loved one or indeed anybody) like this.

Keep documenting things. Talk to your GP/HV. I believe, given what you describe, the police would be interested, as well (well, the switched-on forces who are aware that coercive control is now illegal) - you've already mentioned isolation and attempts coercive sex, blackmail, verbal abuse, rages, and that that's only the tip of the iceberg. It may well be pushing the limits of your bravery, but it will protect you when, maybe not even far down the line, he really does try to keep the children.

A lot of abusers threaten this and don't mean it - they just want to control and blackmail the abuser into compliance, when in reality they want nothing to do with the actual reality of raising children

But far - far - too many abusers will take the threat and the proceedings as far as they can go, and sorry but yours sounds like that kind of guy. The more evidence you have of his actions, the more outside support you can get, the less likely he'll succeed.

Get strong. Stay strong.

He blames your depression on your past, but then says your depression is just "showing off"

How close are you to your family? Could you talk to them about what has happened & what things are like now? Most people are reasonable after all - surely they would want the best for you.

"i can see that playing with your mind is also some sort of abuse (I think?)"

Yes it's called emotional abuse. See also signs of emotional abuse.

... blackmail the abusee ... I'd tried to write #damnphone

He know's he is losing his control of you OP , cue the threatening behaviour .
Second what other's have said about Womens aid .

I've got to go to work now which is the last thing I feel like but have to go in it's nativity day and I've got some of the costumes here, will check back in later thank you

My ex used to threaten this all the time.

He was abusive and a vile human being.

Yours is even worse

Do not rest until you get this cunt out of your life and as far away from you and yours possible.

He's poisonous.

I second going to your GP and telling them. At least about why you came off your medication if you can't manage the rest.

What a dick. Your "secrets" sound completely normal and entirely unshocking to me, perhaps you could threaten to tell them all how he treats you ? He sounds like he is in a competition with you rather than a partnership.

What an absolute pig. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He's a bully take control back and tell your parents yourself and then kick his ass out. You deserve better.

OP your abortion was 16 years ago!?
I'm sure your mum will understand.
Is she close by?
Could you pack you and kids up and go to her?
This is really full on abuse and you should not live with it for any longer now you know.
If my DD was in this situation I would want to help her.
And I'd understand too.
Having an abortion is nothing to be ashamed of.
Millions of women around the world have done it.
Don't let that feel like 'shame' because it's not.
Get to your mum as quickly as you can.
As PP's have said, Womens Aid can help you with an exit plan if you need it.
But you will certainly need their support once you manage to get out.
It takes a lot of counselling and help and support to overcome such a long and sustained abusive relationship.
You know you deserve better than this.
You know you can be far happier away from this nasty abusive bully.
Do what you need to do to get away.

Your secrets are not shameful. You are carrying the feelings of shame and he is exploiting that. But they are not shameful. Perhaps talk with Women's Aid, even enlist their help in leaving. You would be so much better off without this man. You can call the Samaritans on 116123 at any time. They can help you clarify your thoughts and provide an outlet for you to express your emotion. This can help you negotiate practical steps with strength.
Take care. Enjoy your nativity today.

He's abusive so what ever you do no matter what he says or threatens to do do not leave him your DC and the house!

If you have any emails,text messages,voice mail,notes that shows what a dick he's been keep them and use them when you see a solicitor.
Get money sorted as well,if he has access to any of your money sort that out today.

Are you ever in the house when he's out at work?

If you are I'd wait till he was out of the house,then I'd ring your Mum,a sibling,your Dad,best friend who ever will be there to help you and support you and tell them everything you can.Then I'd collect up as much of his stuff as you can and either put it in the garage(if you have one)if he can't access the rest of the house from there or ask a close friend/family member if you can leave it as they're house so he can pick it up from there and then I'd lock all the windows/doors,chains on the doors so he can't let himself in.

You could message him just before he leaves work so he knows what's going on and where his stuff is,you can ask him not to ring you(say your not ready to talk to him yet)that if he needs or wants to talk to you he can text you.

If he gets aggressive with the messages then stop replying and make sure you keep all proof for the divorce.

It is scary but you can do this and you really should for the sake of your DC and yourself!

ive taken all your advice on board I'm so pleased I'm not going mad. Couldn't get in to doctors today but going on Monday which gives me time to know exactly what I want to say instead of playing everything down. I've also moved some money into my account and got all our documents etc, I know my family will be supportive but hurt I have kept all this from them for so long. I wish I'd posted this 7 years ago (long time lurker) you really are fab thank you

Reading this made me feel sick. Anyone who shames you for having an abortion when you were young is a vile human being, but for it to come from your own partner? The person who is meant to love and support you? And not only that, but for him to use that (and the details of your mental health issues) to blackmail you into staying with him? I'm actually shaking with anger just thinking about it.

Please tell your family. I understand that fear of not wanting to hurt them, but it sounds like they are good people who will be there for you. As soon as you start saying these things out loud to people who love you, I think it will really drive home how wrong all of this really is.

Oh, and by the way, I highly doubt he'll follow through on his empty threats to spill your (completely non-shameful) 'secrets'. Can you even imagine how that conversation would go? Him calling up your parents and saying 'hey, guess what...?' If anything it would just prove what a complete and utter asshole he is, and make people be even more on your side!

Keep posting here, you've already made so much amazing progress in such a short space of time. Best of luck

Please do as everyone has said and don't ever take him back!

Well done Koko you've managed to get loads done.

I'm glad your going to tell your family and the only thing they will feel is relief,relief that your putting your DC and yourself first.

A sibling was in a very similar position, once she kicked his sorry arse out he blackmailed her! She came to me in tears and told me the truth (which I had already guessed a lot of before she told me and I completely understood her).
Once she realised he had no hold over her she was laughing the emotive way and a few years on she's been able to move on with her life and he's still in the sorry place he was when she told him it was over!
Your mum will understand and still love you!!!

The only mental health problem your DH has, at least from what you have written here, is that he thinks and acts in a very nasty way.

If you were my daughter I'd not judge you for what happened in the past, I'd move heaven and earth to help you. In fact I did just that for one of my girls when she asked for my help. Preempt his threats and tell your parents yourself, remove some of his power.

Am I in the wrong. Come on op. I think you know. Its not you that's the twat. Its him.
He doesn't want you to talk to him until you're ready to have sex with him. I guess that means you won't be speaking to the beast then.
We've all got skeletons in our closet. And depression is certainly no shame.
He's a sex pest and a control freak.
Sending you strength and courage.

Wow OP e's really done a number on you! What a wicked man.
He's controlling you and contributing to your depression.
Please talk to your family, you are not shameful, but your husband is. That will be your first step to break away from him.

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd speak to someone who said that. Perfect way to end things.

Please don't allow his blackmail and attempts to manipulate you think twice about leaving him. Anyone who can do or say that is best avoided, and best if there is a very great distance put between you.

Abortion is incredibly common, you know. More female students at my uni had an abortion than not, the 3 years I was there!

As for depression, that is an illness and you should feel no threat or shame in that regard, any more than having had a broken bone, or cancer, or flu.

Reading threads like this is highly depressing, no wonder there are so many unhappy situations going on if blokes think it's perfectly ok to think like this. I can't help but think many people seem to think being in a relationship means an automatic right to an 'on tap' sex when you want it kind of existence not allowing for the fact that their behaviour sometimes contributes to a 'not wanting it' situation. I have a feeling 2017 may well be my year of going it alone and to be honest I am as they say 'off ' men for a good while.

I know my family will be supportive but hurt I have kept all this from them for so long.

Don't be so sure that they don't know, or suspect, that all is not well. When I kicked my abusive ex out it was a huge surprise to my mum but it was very clear that my dad really wasn't surprised. Your family may very well just be waiting for you to say something.

And as far as your 'd'H;

If he was my 'd'H and said 'don't talk to me until you're ready to have sex', I'd be happy because it would mean I wouldn't have to hear his shit and I could go about my day in peace!!!

If he said 'I'll tell your secrets' I'd tell him he could take my 'secrets' and shove them where the sun don't shine. That's about the vilest thing someone you should be able to trust could do!

I'm glad you're seeing the truth and making plans. Your future will be so much brighter without him.