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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will my dc blame me for a potential divorce if I initiate the split?

52 replies

scaredoffallout · 04/12/2016 20:18

They are 10, 12 and 15.

I am worried that they will be angry with me if I am the one to call it a day? I am sure that h has no interest in me whatsoever but he is capable of carrying on like this forever.

So I will look like the bad guy and they will resent me?

They are also very attached to the house - as is h.

Am having horrible hallucinations of me being the outcast while they all carry on their family life without me. I am sure h's attitude would be that if I initiate the split, I can bugger off.

OP posts:

fusspot66 · 04/12/2016 20:23

You only have one life OP

GoldenOrb · 05/12/2016 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OohhThatsMe · 05/12/2016 19:12

The problem is that at their ages, they can really choose who they want to live with. Are you concerned they might choose to stay with him, particularly if he then stays in the house?

SandyY2K · 05/12/2016 19:26

I think if you explain the reasons why, they won't blame you.

You want them to see a healthy relationship and it doesn't sound like your marriage is one.

iminshock · 05/12/2016 19:30

Yes I'm afraid they might.

Hermonie2016 · 05/12/2016 19:55

Are you both working full time? What would be the housing situation? I do think you need to figure a likely outcome and one you would be happy to accept.Would 50:50 work?

I do think however men are often to take on the traditional role post break up so mum's still tend to have more 'responsibility.My h was a hands on dad but since moving out he has been happy with one night a week and now.

LesisMiserable · 07/12/2016 12:52

They might blame you , doesnt mean they're right. Leaving your husband when you have children , particularly if he's not done anything inherently 'bad' is a very very hard decision and the guilt on some level is always with you in a way it never would be if you had no children involved. But, you have to live your life, making sure you do everything in your power to make it as painless as you can for your children. They will still be hurt, you cant completely cushion them but you can soften it by accepting whatever feelings they may have and respecting them.

Atenco · 07/12/2016 21:20

If he is abusive, you should definitely leave whatever your children might think. But I do think divorce can be very hard for teenagers

mamakena · 07/12/2016 22:38

They might blame you if your reasons are not evident to them ie no abuse or alcoholism. And if your husband turns them against you by blaming you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/12/2016 23:35

Is there no middle ground? You aren't happy, but you don't sound particularly unhappy either. It's going to be horrible for your kids. In the divorces I've known about in detail there was serious trouble. The DC knew things were bad. When one friend broke it to her boys that she was getting a divorce they asked why it taken her so long.

But your DC don't know there's anything wrong. You would just break this over their heads without warning. That would be shattering. I wonder if there is any way you could be creative about this? Live together platonically while exploring other romantic avenues? Agree with DH to give your marriage one last gigantic effort? Does your need for freedom outweigh your DC need for stability?

Atenco · 08/12/2016 00:50

I am definitely not against divorce per se, OP. My parents were divorced and if anything I consider myself fortunate that they divorced. But my older sister was fourteen and it really threw her for a loop.

Original poster

scaredoffallout · 08/12/2016 10:56

There is emotional abuse - short temper / rageful outbursts / silence for weeks / not able to talk to him about anything important for fear of his reaction / has in the past sold a property and bought another one, keeping both things a secret until I found out months and months later - even then he lied until I knew for sure.

Add to this absolutely no affection and little kindness.

Counselling about 3 years ago but he only came to 3 or 4 sessions and then stopped.

I have stayed much longer than I should have precisely because of my dc.

But your DC don't know there's anything wrong.

You aren't happy, but you don't sound particularly unhappy either.

How could anyone know this from my post ?

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredoffallout · 08/12/2016 10:58

The dc certainly do know that things are not right and that h has a short temper (mainly directed at me).

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredoffallout · 08/12/2016 11:03

I don't know -- should I live with no adult affection for the same of my dc? Genuine question?

During his last outburst he yelled ARE YOU STUPID at me in front of my dds who were frozen to the spot. I felt humiliated and don't want them to think this is normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredoffallout · 08/12/2016 11:03

The sake of my dc

OP posts:

BlueFolly · 08/12/2016 11:07

How could anyone know this from my post

Well to be fair, people probably assumed you included all relevant information in your OP. And your DH lying, being abusinve and angry probably would influence your DCs view of your divorce, yes.

Original poster

scaredoffallout · 08/12/2016 11:07

(Thanks for everyone's answers).

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredoffallout · 08/12/2016 11:09

Sorry - I felt a little defensive. I have posted a lot in the past but I guess that sometimes everything is too long and difficult to go into.

OP posts:

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/12/2016 11:09

Thing is, you can only advise based on the evidence given. You didn't say anything about all this.

On what you're saying now, then obviously divorce is on the cards, and your DC will be aware of the horrible atmosphere. So ignore my previous post. Your DC, like those in other really lousy marriages, will probably not be surprised.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/12/2016 11:12

Sorry, having read my post, sound less sympathetic than I felt. It sounds horrible. But it would have saved time if you'd explained just how bad things are.

Original poster

scaredoffallout · 08/12/2016 11:15

No not surprised but I still think they might blame me.

I am not quite there yet, but am considering what to do and how to do it. It's very very difficult to consider disrupting the status quo however.

It's not so much that it's a lousy marriage, but that he is a really difficult person. Though yes the upshot is that it's lousy. I would be prepared to make it work if I didn't walk on eggshells and feel excluded and disliked... I am sure we have also grown apart a lot too. It's difficult to unravel.

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredoffallout · 08/12/2016 11:16

Thanks Prawn.

Basically I don't know what to do .

OP posts:

FantasticButtocks · 08/12/2016 11:17

I'd be straight with your dcs. Tell them you are not happy being treated and spoken to this way by their father and that you are not going to stand for it anymore, that it is unhealthy for you, and for the whole family, to continue. Make a plan which has plenty of positives for them included. If you sound as though you've thought it through....maybe even tell them you thought putting up with it for their sakes was the right thing to do as you didn't want to disrupt them, but you have now realised it's not good for them either to grow up thinking it is normal that their dad is so unpleasant to their mum. They may be upset that life will change...but they may surprise you. You need to have the courage of your convictions that this is unhealthy and it stops now. They will take their attitude from you, they need to feel secure that their mum knows what she's doing and is doing what is best.

Best of luck

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/12/2016 11:33

Being uncomfortable and feeling excluded in your own home is awful. Before I had DC I was in a bad relationship and used to hang around either at work or in the pub to avoid going home.

I don't know what you should do. We really need some other posters, people who have been through a divorce and have the experience to offer advice. My approach would be to talk to DH, setting out exactly how unhappy I am and saying that unless things change then the marriage is going to end. If you do this then at least you will have given him the chance to save it if he wants to. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/12/2016 11:39

Well right now you are setting a horrible example of how women are treated in a relationship to all 3 of your DC.
They will model future behaviours on what they have learnt from the 2 of you.
Which means they will either become 'victims' like yourself and put up with this kind of treatment or they may well become the abuser.
Don't do this to them.
Show them that NOBODY has to put up with abuse.
You know what you have to do.
Talk to Womens Aid first.
See if they can help you with local support services and a good local solicitor.
Have a chat with CAB and see what you are entitled to.
Look to see how much maintenance he should pay.
Womens Aid first though.

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