Will my dc blame me for a potential divorce if I initiate the split?

[scaredoffallout]

They are 10, 12 and 15.

I am worried that they will be angry with me if I am the one to call it a day? I am sure that h has no interest in me whatsoever but he is capable of carrying on like this forever.

So I will look like the bad guy and they will resent me?

They are also very attached to the house - as is h.

Am having horrible hallucinations of me being the outcast while they all carry on their family life without me. I am sure h's attitude would be that if I initiate the split, I can bugger off.

Women's Aid is not a bottomless pit. They are barely funded and they are needed for the many women who are in danger. I don't think advising people who are not in violent relationships to go to WA is necessarily helpful. What OP has described is a very difficult bloke but that's not the same thing.

I initiated the split from my exH. My DD (she was 9 at the time) still doesn't know the details (she's an adult now) - she's asked me a couple of times over the years, and each time, I have highlighted to her how different me and her dad are from each other, and explain that we weren't happy being married.

There is no reason at all why your DCs need to know the details of the split - as long as both you and their are willing to protect them from that information.

Well, as I said in my original post, OP, when there is abuse, you should get out. You were not born to be anyone's whipping boy.

I would say that children your age (teen / pre-teen) can be quite unsettled and selfish.

If they are settled and all is amicable and their lives / lifestyles don't change too much as a result of your divorce then I would predict there would be very little blame or bitterness towards you or your dh by your dc.

My dc were 8 and 10 when me and exh split up. I intstigated it. All that really changed for them is having two homes instead of one. Ex dh and I were amicable and are now friendly. We didn't disrupt their lives or make any other changes. their lifestyle has not been affected as money has not been any tighter for us. We still have continued to provide stability to them (now 13 and 15). They did and have accepted our split.

if its looking likely that it would not be an amicable split and you won't be able to work with exh then it will be tough. Even more so if their lives changes too much.

WA are there for any abuse and from the OP it's full on emotional, financial, verbal abuse. Including, lying, gaslighting, stonewalling!
They can help her with local support services she will need.
It's not just for violent abuse/assault!
Emotional abuse can and is often more damaging long-term!
Surely you know that by now if you've been on MN for a while?????
It's just been made illegal for these exact reasons.
Do NOT underplay the damage emotional abuse can inflict and do not underplay it as 'you aren't in danger'!!!
This is why so many women put up with this shite!
Why so many kids when they grow up continue the cycle of abuse.
Because so many people are of the opinion (like you seem to be Prawn) that 'it can't be that bad, he's not hitting you'!
SERIOUSLY!!?????

Well said "Hellsbells"

Thanks for all your opinions. The problem I have (amongst many) is that I don't think any divorce will be easy - I think it might do lots of damage. So I am between a rock and a hard place. Very scared of not being with my dc if they decide to go and live with him for example.

I doubt they will want to live with him.
From what you have said they have had to live with the abuse as well.
They might well be so so glad to get out and away from it.
Think things through.
But you know you can't stay with an abuser.

He is much nicer to them than he is to me. Though they know he can have a short temper. He does love them a lot. I guess my ideal scenario would be one where they were resident with me but saw him as often as they wanted in a free and easy kind of way. Might not be their or his ideal scenario though!

Though I am sure that being away from this atmosphere is better for them in the long run.

So what if they blame you? Do you base all your life decisions on what your children think? IMO 'staying for the children' is it's an excuse not to act in a very difficult situation. It's understandable to an extent. However I don't think anyone would thank their parent for enduring abuse for their 'sake.' You are an adult, you should make sensible choices about your life based on the facts. The fact is that your marriage is shit and you're wasting your life. Yes, splitting will be hard but staying won't be better.

Thanks Sparrowhawk - that's given me an interesting perspective.

OP, I initiated the split from exDH. He was an alcoholic but his behaviour mainly impacted me - the dcs were 5 and 9 at the time and thought we were a normal happy family. They were devastated when we split, especially my older one, and he certainly has blamed me, encouraged by his father who has drunkenly rambled to him in the past about his own problems and made himself out to be the victim. I still genuinely believe I did the right thing. What did it was imagining us splitting up when the children were adults, in their 30s say, and telling them we had stayed together so many years purely for their sake (not that I would have actually said this of course, just playing out the scenario!) I knew, for an absolute fact, that their response would be, "what did you do that for? We would have been fine"

My separation has been very hard on my children but staying together would have been difficult for them too, just in a different way.

Thanks Susie.

I know that we need to split up because our relationship is really at an end, and the dc are, in a sense, held hostage within it. I also ache for some physical and emotional affection and having lived like this for so long, don't want to spend the rest of my days without intimacy and sex! H does not seem to care, or notice me other than to blame me for things .

Divorce remains terrifying though because I think H will do his utmost to make it as difficult and unpleasant as possible.

My dc are 12 & 13 and I split with stbxh in September this year so very recent. The dc have been amazing, a few tears when we told them but honestly there has been no blame.

Sound like either scenario will probably be difficult for your children but I think most damage will be caused by you staying.

My mum stayed with my abusive dad for a variety of reasons, as a child I'd have been very upset at the time if the family had split up. But what happened was I went on to marry my similarly abusive exH because I genuinely didn't realise what a normal relationship should look like. Had my mum left my dad, who knows how life might have turned out for me?

Yes that is one of the reasons I want to get out, so that they realise that this really is not the kind of relationship they should be aiming for, and so that they know they can end difficult relationships they might be in in future.

They're not the only reasons, but they're amongst them.

Also, what happens if you want to be as non confrontational as possible and have a "collaborative" divorce but the other person does things like not disclose finances, or generally be angry and unpleasant?

Not to mention the fact that I am also very scared of being hit by an unbearable wall of grief and regret.

Scaredoffallout, we used mediation, and got divorced quickly as we were living separate lives for years so 'two years with consent'.

I would suggest you seek some counselling whilst you are coming to terms with the prospect of separation - just for you. I'm still recovering from the fall out, my counsellor suggested XH has Borderline Personality Disorder, which has been interesting and helped me make sense of why he treated me like he did. (Short tempered, aggressive, no care or kindness etc etc).

I have 4 DCs, they are doing well but we didn't have to move or disrupt them. They know there's a change in the atmosphere and we're happier. We still come to loggerheads because he's very difficult and uses the children, insisting he must see them when he chooses. The youngest doesn't actually have a huge amount to do with him.

In a nutshell, it's bloody hard, but no regrets. There's no way I could have stayed for the sake of the DCs and taught them that's how relationships work. If they deserve better, why don't I?

Best of luck.

Thank you OFFS.

Still terrified but still have some thinking to do. I so wish H would turn round and reasonably say - look, it's not working sorry I've been such an arse for so many years, let's divide assets like this and be friendly and co-operative re. the dc.

Which will never happen .

If you start getting things in order it become less terrifying. Entitledto.com for benefits, and ring up the tax office and get the forms. Speak to a solicitor, ask them about mediation. Pensions, bank statements, assets - get it all in order. Compile a very detailed budget so you can predict what you need to live on.

When you work out that logistically it is possible, it helps. Have counselling - even if it's just one phone session with Relate - to talk it through.

My mediator didn't let him get away with anything, she was incredibly diplomatic but firm when she needed to be, and she told us 'baby steps' and she was right. One step at a time. Good luck x

Thank you OFFS. The problem with compiling finances is that I have very little idea of what is going on with h's accounts. Though I own half the flat that a relative of mine lives in, the marital home and some business investment properties that H bought are all in his name as he never agreed to put me on the deeds (at least to the family home, is what I would have liked). There is quite a lot of debt as well (mortgage + overdraft + credit card) but I don't know the exact amount. There are probably other things that I don't know about - some shares amongst other things.

About 2 years ago H also sold one property and bought another without telling me. Well he bought 2 and I knew about 1. He hid the other one completely (while doing lots of work on it) and lied and lied when I first found clues but he thought he could pull the wool over my eyes. Ridiculous lies which he never owned up to. He has never said sorry.

So I don't trust him to be honest and I am also worried that he will start putting various things in his friend's name once I bring up divorce. I will also have to lodge an interest in the family house to stop him either selling it or remortgaging it and this scares me too as he will hit the roof.

Would like to move out while a divorce was going through but apparently this is not a great idea in terms of setting a precedent re childcare etc...

Is your mediator in or near London OFFS?

He his that property for a good 10 months 😡.

hid not his

He will see me as literally taking things which belong to him .