Is DH selfish or do I am I being controlling?

[Mrstumbletap]

I need advice as my marriage is quite difficult at the moment.

Been married 7 years, DS is nearly 4. I recently posted about DH telling me he has taken up a new hobby, was a bit of a row as he was going to effectively be out of the house every other Sunday (he works Saturday) to do the hobby. We reached a compromise and he will now do it once a month.

Today he informed me via text when I was trying to arrange some Xmas plans for us and outperform friends that he has 3 separate nights out planned with work/football club etc.

I am upset, why am I just informed of these plans? Surely we should be discussing these things as a couple, to ensure we haven't double booked etc.

If I then say you haven't even told me about these plans, he says "I think you are making a big deal out of it". And makes me seem controlling, am I?

I think you sound like you're looking for problems tbh.

He would have had to tell you about it at one point.

If I had decided to go on a works do over xmas and arranged a meet up with friends I wouldn't be asking my dh permission first to see if it suited him and if it was convenient.

Agree with TiredAndDeadly

I also agree with tired and deadly. My husbands rather shite at telling me things, and often when he does he forgets dates.im the same with him etc. We're both adults, he doesn't report to me or have to run shit past me, he can make his own plans, uou can make yours, if something for you both come up, you liase and see if it's doable for both of uou and then respond. No biggie.

first in the calendar gets the time, no i don't expect to have to discuss my social life with OH, unless I know it is a contentious time.

You both sounds like you're rubbing each other up the wrong way.
Can you use a shared calendar to avoid these issues?

Dh and I find this avoids scheduling issues, we don't have to "check" with the other just look at the calendar and make sure we update it.

We use a shared calendar but do have primary aged kids and both work. If there's nothing on the calendar I wouldn't be asking permission first.
It's that time of year too. Think I've got 3 evenings out set up with different groups, PTA etc. It's not excessive.

Tired sums this up perfectly

First on the Calendar rule in my house...

It depends. Is he just assuming you will stay home with your DC while he's out? Do you get equal time for your hobbies and friends?

I don't think adults have to ask permission to go out but it's polite to at least check it's not a problem

Outperform Friends. Wtf. You sound cracked.

Is 'outperform friends' some kind of predictive text error?

To be honest I think mid November is an appropriate time to let you know in advance about Xmas plans.

If he only told you the week of the event or a couple of days before then I'd agree that would be unreasonable. But 5 / 6 weeks notice seems plenty of time.

Maybe you both could do with a bit of time alone?

Maybe a nice meal one evening?

I don't ask dh's permission for Christmas parties but we have a synced calendar so can check if it's a problem. I think you're being ott and need to get planning your own evenings out rather than being jealous of his.

Sorry, that was supposed to be out with 'our'.

Yes DH expects me to be at home provide childcare, he has already booked and paid the deposits on the 3 meals/nights out.

I'm in the minority here, so will speak with DH when we get home.

I don't get what he's done wrong.

You were discussing plans. You were suggesting dates for making plans with friends and he told you of 3 nights he's not available.

What's the problem here?

I really disagree with the notion you are supplying childcare for your own child.

Surely if you were to go out then your dh would look after your ds? If he begrudged supplying childcare for his own DC while you went out he would be flamed!

It sounds like you resent the fact he's made plans.

OP, I think you are getting a hard time. He's paid deposits for nights out without speaking to you and is expecting that you will work around him, and that you don't have plans yourself.

In my relationships, I don't expect to be asked permission, I do expect to be asked if that works for me and I have anything on that day out of pure courtesy.

Get a calendar, put his commitments on it and then give yourself equal time out.

(And then give yourself a couple more Me Times and then introduce him to the calendar).

It's not difficult is it? Darling, I've been asked to go to X, do you or we have anything else booked for then?

We used the calendar system when the DC were younger and couldn't stay home alone.

Now (their teens), I am free to make plans without prior consultation. I do prefer not to be told a couple of hours before he goes out, but he can arrange outings as he wishes.

Wasn't that you discussing it ?

Do your own thing. Get a babysitter, get dolled up and go out and enjoy. After a few wines you'll forget about the DH.

His hobby wishes sound U given he works on Sat, but I think YABU on the christmas nights out, unless his dates clash with things that are a high priority for you.