Is DH selfish or do I am I being controlling?

[Mrstumbletap]

I need advice as my marriage is quite difficult at the moment.

Been married 7 years, DS is nearly 4. I recently posted about DH telling me he has taken up a new hobby, was a bit of a row as he was going to effectively be out of the house every other Sunday (he works Saturday) to do the hobby. We reached a compromise and he will now do it once a month.

Today he informed me via text when I was trying to arrange some Xmas plans for us and outperform friends that he has 3 separate nights out planned with work/football club etc.

I am upset, why am I just informed of these plans? Surely we should be discussing these things as a couple, to ensure we haven't double booked etc.

If I then say you haven't even told me about these plans, he says "I think you are making a big deal out of it". And makes me seem controlling, am I?

I think he has been a little rude to be honest.
Dh always checks dates with me first just to make sure I haven't got something on. Paying the deposits, he is assuming that you will be in, or expecting it.
I agree with I-calendar or something similar.

So, ummm what if the OP had done what he did and booked a night out for them and paid for it for a conflicting date, because she had no idea?

I agree a calendar would come in useful, but surely people discuss these things before paying for stuff, or even really committing?

As you have young kids I do expect a courtesy enquiry as someone has to say and look after the kids. My OH normally asks but sometimes forgets as he just assumes I'll be able to do it. Maybe that's cause I'm on maternity leave with no life and no money. When I'm back at work it's first come first served in this house.

How strange that the majority seem to feel his agreeing to, paying a deposit for three nights out without checking with his wife that she will be at home that night is discussing it. It's not he's just telling her, possibly it's him what he wants is the priority.

OP what would happen if when he 'discussed' this with you if you'd said 'oh but I'm going out with X that night?

How it works in our house is one is invited out, say 'yeah think I can, I'll check spouse is not planning on anything'

Check with the each other, if there's a clash discuss what to do

The pay any deposits if needed.

So if your DH just assimes you'll manipulate your life to his and it doesn't work the other way round he's selfish.

Well in my house that would be discussing it.

And if DH said "oh but I'm going out with X that night" I'd reply "no problem, we'd better sort out a babysitter".

Jeez, talk about looking for an argument with your partner when there's really no need.

^which is what I said happens in our house

Just telling your partner isn't discussing, especially if (and we don't know this yet) if the shoe where on the other foot it wouldn't go down well that it was assumed he'd be at home.

Three night out might be all the household budget can take - if one partner suits himself and books them all with a deposit then tell his partner that isn't discussing.

Also not everyone has access to babysitters so only one of the two can go out.

They didn't discuss it. It was presented as an en fait complete.

He's paid the deposits. It shows a lack of respect. It's 'I'M DOING THIS, IF YOU HAD PLANS TOUGH SHIT'.

Foxes is right, not everyone has access to babysitting services. And what if the budget can't handle all of that plus anything she was planning with her friends or their friends, or either family.

The polite thing is to just double check before you commit.

I'd marry Foxes. Not the rest of you. You seem to have no idea about give and take.

I have a shared calendar with BF & we don't live together or have any kids together- surely it's just courtesy so let each other know.

Can we assume that he didnt say anything because he thought you'd kick off given the recent hobby discussions? Doesnt make it right. You're a partnership and he should have told you before he paid deposit unless you've got form for being arsy if he goes out.

Even if she had form, would that be the best way to address it? There are better ways.

I'm in Foxes camp. It's so easy to phone or text, is it ok if I'm out on XX with YY. We dont use a babysitter at the drop of a hat so it would be an issue if we both made plans the same night. DH has a fair few work nights out which he has to go to, so I try to get my nights out booked in advance so he can plan around them; likewise he asks me about a night out with mates as a courtesy (I would never say no unless put myself, equally he doesn't do it very often).
Neither of us would want the other to do a hobby that ate into our weekend time together esp if working Saturdays.

Tbh I'd expect my oh to tell me if he'd paid deposits etc I'd think it odd if he didn't? It's not asking permission! I always say oh I'm booking to go wherever on this date. I find it odd that so many think of you think thats asking permission?

I have been planning various christmas nights out and have been mindful that there are only so many friday / saturday nights in the christmas party season.

I think he should have checked with you personally because how does he know you hadn't done the exact same thing.

We have a shared calendar with his, hers, theirs on it. I put everything on there. He doesn't use it.

How strange that the majority seem to feel his agreeing to, paying a deposit for three nights out without checking with his wife that she will be at home that night is discussing it.

Well if she wasn't at home, that would mean she'd made plans without telling him.

My DH and I use a shared calendar and generally it's first come first serve. I often make provisional plans with friends for our next meet up while I'm with them and I would find it a little controlling if I had to consult with my DH beforehand. The shared calendar generally avoids this problem. And we talk to each other about our social plans and friends we're meeting so it's never a huge surprise. I do slightly think you're making a big deal out of something fairly minor.
That said I can see that it would be slightly annoying to have 3 nights out booked and paid for at a busy time of year with no discussion at all. In the run up to xmas calendars can fill up quickly so rather than block book all 3 it may have been courteous if he'd just run them past you before paying the deposit. is it possible he was worried about your reaction? If you haven't got a good system for planning and discussing your social lives and have had arguments before maybe he just decided better to pay deposits so you can't stop him than tell you and you try to stop him. If this is the case you both need to find a better way of managing your social lives!

How strange that the majority seem to feel his agreeing to, paying a deposit for three nights out without checking with his wife that she will be at home that night is discussing it.

Well if she wasn't at home, that would mean she'd made plans without telling him.

No it wouldn't. She may be considering something for that night'

The only way it's be the same would be if she'd booked it somehow such as putting a deposit down without that curtsey check the date first.

'you planning on anything for 9th December?'
'sarah mentioned drinks and dinner with Joanna'
'ah, it's my work party need to pay the deposit today'
'oh Sarah's not definite about if she can make it, you go ahead and give the deposit we can do the 10th'
'Great - I was going to Pete's to for our annual poker night on the 10th; maybe we'll rearrange it to be at ours if Pete can leave the kids'

See that's how it'll be between TheEmmaDilemma and me when we're married.

I'm with Foxes and Emma. Any chance of a menage a trois? Although the calendar / discussions could get quite complicated. ..

Seriously though, surely its just plain courtesy to check with other person if there is likely to be anything else on before committing, esp with a payment. Christmas is a busy time.

We have a shared calendar. First one in wins!! However we do take a step back and make sure we are not out every night and do see each other. Also I need to get dh back from work early so need to bear that in mind and can't do every night. DH had put 2 Xmas events in already.

I remember your previous thread about the all day hobby cutting your family time in half unilaterally. Without that as context I understand why people are satisfy no no biggie. To me with the context he seems to treat you as default parent and pretty low on his list of priorities.

Mrstumbletap, you seem to getting a hard time on here. I don't think you are being controlling . I do think your oh is being selfish. In fact he sounds pretty much like my ex, planned his social life, informed me of those plans as fait accompli, frequently with little or no notice including weekends away, just expected that I would be home with the children. He would often leave me for entire weekends with no car. On the rare occasions I planned a night out he would either "forget" or just not bother to come home to look after the children. I couldn't afford to go out and pay for a babysitter so I needed him to be home. His social life, hobbies, and after work drinking came first and I was on the bottom of a very long list hence why he is now an ex.

And we also had a huge family planner but he would never use it.

Yes that's exactly how it would go Foxes.

Threecherries I'll need to discuss that with my new wife.

He's selfish

He is treating you as the default carer.

If you would not do the same to him, then he's in the wrong

I'm with team Emma / foxes /cherries

And wondering where the influx of handmaidens / daily mail readers has come from