Is DH selfish or do I am I being controlling?

[Mrstumbletap]

I need advice as my marriage is quite difficult at the moment.

Been married 7 years, DS is nearly 4. I recently posted about DH telling me he has taken up a new hobby, was a bit of a row as he was going to effectively be out of the house every other Sunday (he works Saturday) to do the hobby. We reached a compromise and he will now do it once a month.

Today he informed me via text when I was trying to arrange some Xmas plans for us and outperform friends that he has 3 separate nights out planned with work/football club etc.

I am upset, why am I just informed of these plans? Surely we should be discussing these things as a couple, to ensure we haven't double booked etc.

If I then say you haven't even told me about these plans, he says "I think you are making a big deal out of it". And makes me seem controlling, am I?

Foxes

I wouldn't worry about the majority

The "majority" on AIBU can just be the first few people to post, who then tend to dictate the next few after that

Then others come on and some kind of equilibrium is reached

Aaargh! This isn't even AIBU!!

He is selfish. I don't think it is controlling to want him to consider your family before filling up his weekends and social schedule, no. And given you have a shared calendar to encourage him to think beyond himself, which he doesn't use - how are you supposed to plan any family time? He is behaving as if he is a single man, to be honest. Do you get out or do you go out as a couple ever?

we don't have these problems at chez Pinkie... we don't ever go out...
simple.

Stay home and watch Netflix.

But if GF did get invited to work dos id prefer it if she mentioned them before paying nay deposit etc just on the off chance something was happening that day.

CocoaX

Yes. Good summary

Is the problem that you are also out on those nights? If that's it, then it will be his responsibility to organise a babysitter or he can't go out. That should fix him not using the calendar.

If it's just that you think three nights out in December is excessive, then I think you are being a bit controlling. It's quite normal for this time of year isn't it?

Do you not have things you are going to?

Does seem like AIBU NotYoda, in fact i did check if it was or not as the OP was getting a hard time about her apparent staring an argument over nothing.

I'm joining the skulk of foxes (just looked that up ). It's respectful to check before you actually book. Things very rarely have to be booked on the same day you hear about them, and even if so, that's something a quick text exchange can sort out. Also, even if you can get a babysitter, it costs and some people would prefer to arrange nights out when their partner is home to cover things rather than have to spend extra money through double booking.

Thank for your replies, feeling a bit tearful at the moment and not entirely sure why. I just can't really put my finger on what it is bothering me.

I wouldn't arrange something without just checking he is free, I would check with him, put in on the calendar and then remind him when he forgets

One of the nights did actually clash with a night we had half arranged with a group of our friends, which would be our one night we get a babysitter that month. I have tried to rearrange just waiting to check if he is free, but he is out at the moment.

Cocoa it does feel like he is behaving like he is single, I said that to him earlier.

How strange that the majority seem to feel his agreeing to, paying a deposit for three nights out without checking with his wife that she will be at home that night is discussing it.

Well if she wasn't at home, that would mean she'd made plans without telling him.

Not necessarily: this charmer can't be bothered with checking the calender, according to Op.

I am going to go against the grain a bit. I don't think your dh needs to ask permission but if one of you needs to be in with your children then I think it's practical and common courtesy to check that works for the other person.

I am reading your op thinking the issue isn't so much these specific nights out but more the assumption that you will do childcare or that it's your responsibility rather than a joint responsibility. His life continues to be his life with family second. Sorry if I have read that wrong.

MrsTumbletap, the reason you are feeling tearful is because he is acting as if he is single. You are putting him and your family first, he is not.

Instead of trying to rearrange your friends around him, why not just go out with them yourself? You have the babysitter booked. You are kind of enabling the behaviour if you re-arrange around it. I mean this kindly. You can enjoy your planned night out.

The bigger problem is what campervan says, which is that you are coming second and that is not how you want your marriage to be. If i were you, i would be looking at some kind of counselling after Christmas to sort out these issues, if he will not take on board your reasonable comments and suggestions for organising family and married life.

I remember this issue being discussed on 'Loose Women' once. It seemed thatthe men would arrange a night out and then let their OH know they were going out, but the women, would check the OH/DH was free on a particular night and then confirm with their friends.

I recall Kay Adams and Nadia Sawalha saying that's how it was in their household.

When my DC were younger it seemed to work that way too and when I was arranging a night out with friends (who had kids around the same age), it was the same. We'd get a tentative date and then we all said when we got home we'd confirm with Dave /Jonn /Rob, because we were the primary carers.

My DH could just call one evening from work and say they're going for after work drinks. He didn't do it often, but I couldn't do that because I was always the one to pick the kids up from school or after school or childminders.

I see this is why mums get resentful a lot, because however you spin it, having kids has a greater impact on women.

These are the sort of things I discuss on the marriage preparation course that I deliver to STB married couples, because I know it can cause issues and I use my own personal experience as examples to demonstrate that to them.

It's about getting clear what expectations you both have, although realistically you can never discuss every situation that might arise.

I totally understand how him arranging 3 nights out and not letting you know would annoy you. I say not letting you know, as opposed to seeking permission from you.

If there is a calendar, then he needs to keep it updated.

I would say it depends on how you deal with social engagements as a couple.

We don't check with eachother, and quite often forget to actually mention stuff till a few days before - 'ie darling wife, I'm going to America with work in 2 days'.

We don't have children yet (though one is on its way), but we do have a disabled cat who can't be left for very long. I find the idea of discussing things with the other person before making firm plans very claustrophobic, and unnecessarily controlling.

When you have to provide continual childcare, then using a diary system, to make sure the other person knows you won't be around sounds good, but I certainly don't want to be asking permission, or him asking permission off me.

But if the system you use is that you've always checked with eachother first, then I can see why you'd be grumpy at a change from that.