Can I interfere in my sons relationship?

[statetrooperstacey]

My son is behaving dreadfully, his girlfriend has spoken to his dad and it appears his behaviour is pretty appalling at times and getting worse. My instinct is to go round to his house tomorrow and tear a strip off him. With his dad. His dad is concerned son will think we are ganging up on him, I think good, we are he deserves it . He is also concerned sons girlfriend will be unhappy as she asked him not to say anything.

Thing is, this situation has occurred before, she has said things previously and asked us not to say anything to him. However this cannot continue anymore.
Will we make things worse? I am more concerned about her feelings than his, However I think she needs someone to intervene, and I think if she keeps telling his dad what's going on she is surely hoping we will help her in some way, or at least try!
I am on my phone so slow.

Interfere at your peril.
Adult kids can get seriously upset when you do as I've learned myself over the years.
It hasn't stopped me I must admit, as when they're hurtling towards disaster or just being stupid, you have to try and show them the error of their ways...don't expect any thanks if you do intervene however and be prepared for a period of sulky silence once you've had your say. If you can live with that, go for it.
Intrigued as to what your son is guilty of that's caused his girlfriend to confide in your husband....it does sound a bit serious.

What is he doing?

It depends on what he's doing, if he's violent I'd say intervene in the form of supporting the gf to go to women's aid and police don't confront because it could come back worse on her. If he's just being lazy/cheating etc it's really between them.

If he's posing a physical or major emotional danger then yes, if he's just being a bit of a tit and needs to grow up then no.

But.... You can comment on anything ypou witness personally so maybe a visitt would be an idea anyway. Just drop in, see how theye are as ypou were passing.

Really depends on what he's up to

Thank you, I don't care if he sulks I can handle that. I don't think she needs women's aid, Their situation is that if they split up she would definitely stay in the house.
It is quite serious otherwise I really would bite my tongue and let them crack on. They also have children which is pushing me to do something. If he was my boyfriend I would have thrown him out by now.

Yes pinkie I could play it by ear and just go round anyway. I have pulled him up previously on things but I don't know what if any affect it had.

I don't think anyone can give you advice without knowing what she has said he is doing TBH.

If there are DC in the house it makes it more important. If he is abusing her then it is highly likely she has only told you the tip of the iceberg so if it in anyway is minor sounding abuse stuff I would not be so sure that women's aid is not needed.

If it is other stuff like cheating, gambling, drinking, drugs the advice would be very different. It is hard to give any advice about how to deal with a problem without knowing what the problem is IYSWIM?

Why don't you try to meet up just with her? To just tell her you believe her,you support her,and your main concern are her feelings the welfare of their kids and see how it gies from there.

We'll offred , I don't think he gambles. . . . . Yes I could do that Edgar , it might be hard to pin her down tho, I also thought it might
do her good to see us back her in front of him iyswim. But actually thinking on it that could backfire.

Ok so if it is drinking drugs cheating etc then it is highly likely there is also abuse.

I also think if that stuff is going on then the issue is not so much your son or his girlfriend but the DC. Getting involved in their relationship in those circs could be somewhat of a distraction and potentially really unhelpful.

I'd think about what is going to be best for the grandchildren, possibly consider reporting to SS.

I've recently split from my nasty controlling ex. His mother was aware of sons of our problems, but her answer was to tell me that I needed to be more chilled out.

I wish she'd got involved. I wish she'd told him what a twat he was being. Not doing so enabled his behaviour. Yes he's an adult, but so what. If a friend was acting like this towards their partner, presumably you'd say something?

*some of our problems.

Thank you for that sortof, that was what I was wondering, if she would want us to. I think i would in her position. And he is a twat yes

I wouldn't go to ss no offred, I think she is at the end of her rope with him and if he doesn't shape up will probably be out on his arse fairly soon. In fact I might just "give her my blessing" so to speak, sort of tell her I know he insufferable and if she throws him out I would be completely supportive of that.
One of them needs a nudge to change the pattern. Him to behave like a normal person or her to pack his bags.

It's bad enough that she's spoken to his Dad. She's asking for help. He's being a twat and maybe, hopefully, an outside perspective can help.

Can you be more detailed about the situation? I know she's said not to say anything but... Why would she talk to his dad otherwise?

I'm trying not to be too detailed in case she recognises it, that's what I think as well surely she is only telling him because she wants him to do something. I don't think he should be keeping her confidence I think he should be bollocking his son.
Basically all is well during the week, Friday night payday arrives and everything goes very wrong. He is getting wasted , spending stupid money, he goes home obviously under the influence and everything turns to shit.

Basically all is well during the week, Friday night payday arrives and everything goes very wrong. He is getting wasted , spending stupid money, he goes home obviously under the influence and everything turns to shit.

He isnt a child. A telling off from mum and dad wont fix that.

he will probably just be pissed off and feel betrayed that his DP went behind his back to his parents and they encouraged it.

She needs to decide whether to stay or go not to get his mummy to tell him off.

I know she does, but how long will it drag on for, how long will this go on for before she ends it because something needsto happen soon. And yes I think somebody needs to put him straight if he is fucking up the lives of several people.
I keep thinking it will be soon but as I said this has happened previously.

Everything turns to shit?

It's not about 'a telling off'. It's about his shitty behaviour being brought up in discussion in the cold light of day. That his partner was worried enough to go to his Dad.

I really hate this idea that, just because your children are grown adults you can no longer speak to them about acceptable behaviour. If my 37 yo best friend was being a dick, and treating her partner like shit, I'd have a word! Why shouldn't you speak to your children about stuff like this.

BTW. If my EXMIL was a bit more involved and didn't distance herself from every shitty thing her son did we might still be together. He always thought his behaviour was ok, because that's what he saw growing up when his Dad was being a drunken abusive fuckwit

Could you spend time with her away from your son and make it very clear that you support her? You could guide her towards chucking him out?

What you are talking about is keeping abuse within the family. There are specialist agencies designed to deal with whatever is going on and both of the adults in the situation need to access them as part of facing their adult responsibilities IMO.

Getting his parents involved to tell him off is just going to enable him to avoid responsibility.