Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I interfere in my sons relationship?

52 replies

statetrooperstacey · 29/10/2016 22:26

My son is behaving dreadfully, his girlfriend has spoken to his dad and it appears his behaviour is pretty appalling at times and getting worse. My instinct is to go round to his house tomorrow and tear a strip off him. With his dad. His dad is concerned son will think we are ganging up on him, I think good, we are he deserves it . He is also concerned sons girlfriend will be unhappy as she asked him not to say anything.

Thing is, this situation has occurred before, she has said things previously and asked us not to say anything to him. However this cannot continue anymore.
Will we make things worse? I am more concerned about her feelings than his, However I think she needs someone to intervene, and I think if she keeps telling his dad what's going on she is surely hoping we will help her in some way, or at least try!
I am on my phone so slow.

OP posts:
Bagina · 30/10/2016 05:35

I was brought up by parents who wouldn't get involved, almost at any cost. It was shit. I needed help and advice and they wouldn't give it. I know they were worried it would have got thrown back in their face. Sometimes a situation is too much for somebody to deal with by themselves .

I turned to mil for help once and she made it quite clear that her ds was perfect.

I think you should intervene. I also think that she is clearly asking for help.

graphista · 30/10/2016 05:44

I'd be giving him a serious bollocking! As long as it wasn't likely to endanger your putative daughter in law or your grandchildren. He's being an abusive irresponsible twat!

At the very least make it clear she has your support including if she kicks his arse out (which she should).

Why is he being like this? Do you know?

FluffyFluffster · 30/10/2016 06:01

I think it depends on a few factors. When I was with my abusive ex, I wish I'd said something to his Dad because that was the only opinion that truly mattered to him. I know his Dad would have been ashamed of his behaviour towards me.

It's only worth stepping in if he actually values your opinion and tbh, it seems like he doesn't which is maybe why she went to his father? Otherwise I think you risk making things worse for her.

Footle · 30/10/2016 06:07

You seem quite sure that she's not exaggerating. At the very least, tell her you support her.

LostSight · 30/10/2016 06:23

I think, like fluffy, that it depends on the dynamic in the family. My husband was never as bad as you are describing, but did go out and drink to dangerous excess frequently enough that it affected our relationship. I believe it stemmed partly from messages he received during his teens. His mother disapproved of his drinking. His father dismissed it as just 'youthful high spirits' and MIL as unecessarily nagging (some truth in this picture, but a dangerous precendent). He drank that way partly because in his mind, he was still rebelling against his mum.

I suspect, had his father intervened, when my husband was a young father (FIL thought I was completely different from his wife, which I am) and told his son he no longer saw it as appropriate, then it might have saved me a lot of years of pain.

Original poster
statetrooperstacey · 30/10/2016 07:53

Thank you for all your advice , I'm still undecided. Think I will go round today and play it by ear and try and arrange to see her on her own next week. She also gets on well with my daughter so might ask her to have a word.

It not drinking that is the problem tho he does, it's more the £100 of mind altering drugs he ingests. He has been like this before but will straighten out for a while before he falls off the wagon again. I thought he had stopped this cycle but obviously not.

OP posts:
PoldarksBreeches · 30/10/2016 08:01

He's taking drugs whilst in the home with kids?
You need to speak to social services. Why wouldn't you?

graphista · 30/10/2016 08:07

That's major drug use why are you minimising?

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 30/10/2016 08:10

She needs to thi k about the children and give him the ultimatum.
Stop the drugs or leave.

Then ypou should be there to support her decision and support your son with quitting, if he chooses too. If he chooses not to then you need to make it clear ypou agree with his partner.

It sickens me, sorry to say, when parents put drugs and drink before their kids. It shouldn't happen and out should not be accepted by anyone involved.
Quit it or leave.

Offred · 30/10/2016 08:14

A drug addict living with his dc and a partner unable to protect them from that is not a problem that can be sorted out by his parents. In fact you would be neglecting your responsibilities towards your grandchildren if you attempted to 'give him a talking to'.

SS need to be made aware that your GC are living in this environment.

kilmuir · 30/10/2016 08:15

His partner has told you as she wants help!

Heirhelp · 30/10/2016 08:20

If he has a drug problem then being told off by his Mum won't be enough. He needs to want to change and he needs professional help.

Richardhun · 30/10/2016 08:20

No Im not for getting involved in adult children's relationships, however I think on this occasion I would.

Tell her to kick him out! He doesn't deserve her.

I'd then have very serious word with him about what a a dissapointment he is.

Original poster
statetrooperstacey · 30/10/2016 08:20

Agree pinkie and we are certainly not accepting of it. Graphista, I have just mentioned a £ 100 binge I'm not sure it's possible to minimise that.

OP posts:
TealGiraffe · 30/10/2016 08:25

Agree with others that by speaking to you she is asking for help and back up.

If it was my (36yr old, married) brother my mum and dad would be having serious words. You don't stop being a parent when they are grown. Im 30 and my mum tells me when im being a dick.
They wouldnt get involved in relationships if there was no harm done, eg when ive had a bf they think is a waste of space. But if there was drugs / drink and proper serious issues of course they would step in!

I would meet with her and ask her what she wants in the end. Tell her you will help her and support her. Then have words with your son and tell him what hes risking

graphista · 30/10/2016 08:25

'He has been like this before but will straighten out for a while before he falls off the wagon again.'

He doesn't 'straighten out for a while' but doesn't have the money, or is hiding lesser use. You started by not even mentioning what he'd done wrong and it's pretty major. Your whole tone is as if its no big deal.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 30/10/2016 08:47

You oknow for an absolute fact, op, that if you'd mentioned what he was doing in the first post then ypour have gotten very different answers. You his that, tried to play it down, minimise it. Etc.

Next time ypu see your grandchildren I want you to tell them,
"Drugs are are good. Wasting Mooney on your own needs instead of your children's, that's good too. Treating your partner like crap just because you feel like you want to do drugs, that's fine as well. Oh and if you Get with a druggie who makes you miserable, well you just have to live with it. Also, men's needs are more important t than women's, never forget that kiddies. Daddies needs for drugs fast out weigh your mums desire for happiness and a loving home."

Of course you wouldn't say that, but that's what is being said to them. Every time you tut and roll your eyes and say nothing, you may as well be telling them the above because you're partly condoning it and accepting it.

Montane50 · 30/10/2016 09:01

Personally I wouldn't involve ss, however i would go in all guns blazing and give the bollocking of his life. Id then make it clear if it comes to picking sides he'll get your support but your gc and dil are priority

Wallywobbles · 30/10/2016 09:01

My ex MIL has always taken my side. We have an excellent relationship. She sees a lot of the kids, has welcomed DP and his kids. She is the winner and exh has lost everything. Support her. Tell her you'll respect her wishes but be there in whatever way she needs. Say you'd like to shake him but won't if she doesn't want you too.

My guess is it'll crash quicker if you don't confront him which sounds like it might be better.

MrsJayy · 30/10/2016 09:08

If she has gone to his dad then i think she is asking for help I dont think going round the house would be a good idea maybe speak to your son out of his house.

Trifleorbust · 30/10/2016 09:14

If it's £100, it's probably a coke problem. And if he is going home to his kids coked up to his eyeballs, that is a recipe for disaster. You also hint at behaviour that I imagine most people would describe as abusive. You probably can't fix this by talking to him. He needs to leave the family home at least until he is drug free and has been for a few months.

HerOtherHalf · 30/10/2016 09:17

Personally, I always put children before adults and that means I put the welfare and happiness of my grandchildren ahead of my adult kids. How you deal with this is up to you but I would not tolerate my grandchildren being exposed to the risks of a smackhead being in their home, regardless of it being their father or only at the weekends. If they come to harm and you had done nothing you'll never forgive yourselves.

Isetan · 30/10/2016 10:22

Hes an adult, you cant keep treating him like a naughty child. Encourage your son's gf to speak to professionals who can hopefully support her in coming to a conclusion that doesn't keep enabling this man child. I think any direct intervention by you will either only temporarily change his behaviour (like previously) or could entrench it.

This isn't about the life choices of your adult child, but rather the dysfunctional and potentially dangerous environment your grandchildren are growing up in.

Cary2012 · 30/10/2016 11:01

I'd ask her what she wants.
She's confided in your DS father, so she's reached out to you.
Before you confront your son, tell her you are both worried, prepared to step in, but the decision is hers.

Yes, you're his parents, but she's living with him and their kids. Only she really knows the dynamics of the relationship.

What mustn't happen is for you and his dad to go round, tear him off a strip, think you've helped, then for you two to leave her and those kids to deal with potential fallout. You could inflame rather than diffuse things.

If she agrees that she wants you to talk to him, perhaps do this on neutral ground, parents and son, away from the kids.

If she doesn't agree to you getting involved, offer her ongoing support with whatever she decides.

Tempting though it might be to give him the bollocking he deserves, remember her and the kids will have to deal with the aftermath.

Original poster
statetrooperstacey · 30/10/2016 11:16

Thank u Cary,

OP posts: