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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would like some hand holding please!

55 replies

urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 18:07

Me and my partner of 3 years slit up this morning. Long story cut very short....I noticed he was using whatsapp a lot and online at all hours, when I questioned him he said he hadent been on it for weeks. I asked to look, he refused, so I told him to go....he would not let me see his fone. he left and 5 mins later came back and happily give me the fone. ( which by this point he woud have deleted everything whilst sat in the car!) Anyway, he said he had nothing to hide he loves me blah blah, I wernt having any of it. Hes gone now anyway, and hes come back saying that he had a group on whatsapp helping him to plan his proposal to me, he gave me names and dates and how he was going to do it. I said he could retrieve the deleted group to prove this, but he said something about storage on his fone wont allow it. its all bs I know....just wanted some hand holding.!

OP posts:
GeekyWombat · 15/10/2016 18:34

Oh OP have a hand hold and some Wine and Chocolate for good measure.

For what it's worth you sound very rational and aware of exactly the whats going on - good for you not taking any crap especially when he's trying to take you for a fool.

Look after yourself, you've done the right thing.

ImperialBlether · 15/10/2016 18:41

He must think you're stupid! Honest to god, sitting in the car deleting everything and then saying he doesn't have the storage to retrieve messages. He's the fool, though. Good for you for seeing right through his nonsense.

thefourgp · 15/10/2016 18:44

Stay strong and trust your gut. He's a liar and you know it. X

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 18:46

Hes adamant it was the truth, ive give him enough chances to be honest..

OP posts:
thefourgp · 15/10/2016 19:53

Most cheaters will continue to deny until they absolutely have to admit the truth, and even then they will give as little information as possible. It's in their best interest to do this. Ever seen Eddie Murphy doing stand up and talking about his friend who kept saying 'it wasn't me' when his girlfriend seen him with another woman and the girlfriend eventually started doubting what she saw? If you want to believe a lie enough you can by gradually convincing yourself it's not a lie. He's lying to you. He'll continue to do the same thing in the future and you'll have a constant knot of fear and suspicion in your stomach tainting any happiness you experience with him. you'll just be waiting to catch him messaging other woman again. You deserve better. X

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 19:59

Thank you for your reassurance. hes lied thrugh out, and I feel stupid for letting it g on so long....I have two young children from a previous marriage, I feel heartbroken for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 20:03

I really don't feel strong enough to keep him away, specially for the kids....im scared at how its going to effect them. Ive sort of explained to my eldest, 6, in away a 6yr old can understand, my little boy is 4, they both doted oh my partner....

OP posts:
GeekyWombat · 15/10/2016 20:33

It's going to be OK. They say it takes 48 hours for the human mind to adjust to any situation - give yourself a break, this has only just happened.

Small steps OP.

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 20:40

Thank you..

OP posts:
Dlah · 15/10/2016 21:45

If I didn't know any better I'd say this was my ex lol

Joking aside, you sound like you've done the right thing, my ex actually was planning a proposal with my friend - whilst having set up a second life in another county!

Only caught out when he text me instead of her by mistake one morning when sat next to me!

Head up high, stay strong x

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 22:03

Why do they bother?!

OP posts:
Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 22:04

Just hope I haven't made a big mistake!

OP posts:
MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 15/10/2016 22:07

I don't know of any instances when someone has had a group help plan a proposal.

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 22:42

I know, haha....its pathetic really....but heartbroken me is wondering if its true.....need to go to bed and stop thinking!

OP posts:
TheStoic · 15/10/2016 22:48

You haven't made a mistake, OP. You're strong, and smart, and you've done everything right so far.

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 16/10/2016 16:36

Thanks for your replies....hes still adamant he was planning proposal...says he loves me, then says its my fault...I should have trusted him......I said what would you do if I said sod it, lets just go ahead with what you planned....he said he would do just to pove he was telling the truth.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 16/10/2016 16:47

Ask him to get one of the people in the group to screenshot you a copy of their messages.

Mix56 · 16/10/2016 16:47

....But he still hasn't shown you proof of the group for the proposal.
This is sadly all bullshit & you are extremely lucky to have discovered it now, & not in 5 years or whatever.
You have done exactly the right thing, or he was looking elsewhere because he was happy & faithful perhaps? No. That's what I thought.

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 16/10/2016 16:50

I asked him to do that with the screenshot, he said the thread deleted on his mates phone too....I know...it bs. is he a narcissist?!

OP posts:
GeekyWombat · 16/10/2016 17:03

All his friends phones deleted the thread and none of them have storage to retrieve it? What ARE the odds OP?!

He might be a narcissist, he's definitely also an idiot! As if you'd want to marry someone like him if the proposal is the carrot he's now dangling.

How're you feeling today UrbanDictionary? Hope you're treating yourself gently.

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 16/10/2016 17:14

Im struggling to stay strong to be honest. We have been back and forth with messages...but im keeping sentences minimal. I just don't understand why he would do it? Its only been the last couple of weeks hes been funny with his fone. He was upset that I don't come on to him anymore....said its playing on his mind...

OP posts:
gettingtherequickly · 16/10/2016 17:17

This is not your fault.

He sounds like a bellend, you and your kids deserve better.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 16/10/2016 17:26

Im so sorry he is lying.

Mix56 · 16/10/2016 17:34

You don't come on to him anymore so this his a reason, you have had PND, no sleep for 3 months & knackered with new baby & he isn't getting enough shagging.... so he starts going on line to do what, get kicks ? get a prostitute ? look for replacement gf ? call girl ? Porn ?
rather than try & ease the load & let you rest so that you might eventually feel alive enough to want sex.
Fucking Tosser

Mix56 · 16/10/2016 17:36

sorry think I got the baby scenario wrong..duh, but the message is the same !

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