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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Follow my Heart or my Head

53 replies

Jonsnow1 · 03/10/2016 08:12

I'm a married man of 9yrs been together 15 years, with 2 childern under 10, I have been having an emotional affair for 6 months with a co worker, which in the past 2 months has turned sexual, this is totally against my moral code and I'm so in love with the ow but still love my wife. Advice please

OP posts:
TheGirlOnTheLanding · 03/10/2016 08:31

Stop shagging your colleague and start paying attention to your marriage vows. HTH.

ravenmum · 03/10/2016 08:35

You are responsible for your actions. Have you and your new sex partner been tested for STDs or are you exposing your wife to an unknown risk?

User14625592 · 03/10/2016 08:37

Follow your heart and then watch all the heartache it leaves behind.

ravenmum · 03/10/2016 08:46

As you love your wife you'd be following your heart by thinking about her, right?
You've already started the affair, too late to be asking what to do.

I doubt the question is real anyway. What man would look at this forum and think it was a good place to ask for advice on that question? Biscuit

TheNaze73 · 03/10/2016 08:55

You cannot be in love with your wife, as you wouldn't be fucking the ow if you were.

My advice to you would be the same if you're female, have the decency to tell your partner so they can get STD checked and get on with the rest of your life.

springydaffs · 03/10/2016 09:01

Of course it's turned sexual ffs. You don't play with fire and not expect it to combust.

so which bit is your head and which your heart? Or your dick, tbf.

Plenty of us could play away. Most of us don't. Because we took vows to honour and cherish our spouse. Having an emotional affair - that turns sexual, who knew? - is not honouring and cherishing your spouse. It's not rocket science.

Original poster
Jonsnow1 · 03/10/2016 09:34

I've put stop to the ow as I know its too late now but all I can think about are my wife's feelings and my children

OP posts:
Original poster
Jonsnow1 · 03/10/2016 09:38

The Naze73, I have been a c**t I know this, I was tested and failed the test of being married and taking vows I have too live with the guilt of my infidelity

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 03/10/2016 09:42

Don't be a dick. You weren't tested and failed the test.
You persue the oppertunity to have a shag. You shagged and now you want people to feel sorry for you because you feel guilty.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. fucking pathetic.

ohdofeckoffnowdear · 03/10/2016 09:44

Moral code? Oh do give over! Angry

What advice would you actually like?

I don't think the advice you will receive on here is what you want to hear.

  1. Stop all communications with Ow
  2. Tell your wife.

Grow a pair and stop fucking around, you are not only hurting your poor wife but also your kids!

pictish · 03/10/2016 09:48

Agree you weren't 'tested' and failed. This was not thrust upon you against your will, you knowingly made choices that created the situation you're in all by yourself...it's not fate, it's not divine intervention, it's not 'meant to be'. It's you deliberately having an affair and lying to your wife.

Head btw. Stop being a dick.

KatieScarlett · 03/10/2016 09:53

You chose this so suck it up, buttercup.
I hope your wife finds out and dumps your lying arse.
Tested? By whom, exactly?

springydaffs · 03/10/2016 10:19

Remember that moment when you chose to walk past her desk rather than the shorter way? That's when it started. When you hoped she'd sit at your table at lunch. When you had a good rapport at a work do. When you noticed you were attracted to her. This is when it all started.

This is when you had the choice to honour your vows to honour and cherish your wife. You chose to follow your dick. Nothing fancy about it, we all have that choice countless times throughout our marriages.

So please don't whine that it 'has turned sexual' like a bolt out of the blue. It turned sexual when you chose to walk past her desk.

LesisMiserable · 03/10/2016 10:20

The misandry on here though!

I know it's the all girls together mentality but really, women on MN who've been led astray get tea and sympathy as a rule and the summation that they must have had something missing at home - probably totally true but never applied when it's a man that does it.

As a woman and a very fair woman at that I think it's wrong and horribly hypocritical to read.

Yes OP, you've gone too far haven't you and the guilt is you're entirely. What are you going to do? You're obviously craving stimulation. If it can't be rescued with your wife, let her go and give her the opportunity to find someone else.

LesisMiserable · 03/10/2016 10:22

Spring is bob on, by the way although flirtation is natural and healthy, we are not monks, there is a line.

springydaffs · 03/10/2016 10:23

craving stimulation? WTAF??

Don't we all 'crave stimulation'! And isn't it always a-calling. We choose not to go there. Or we don't...

misandry pah. The same gets doled out to women on here. In fact, much more vicious ime: women letting the side down.

LesisMiserable · 03/10/2016 10:25

I disagree with your last point.

But yes we do all crave stimulation (normal) - as I said the OP went too far. Did you read my post properly?

springydaffs · 03/10/2016 10:29

Did you read mine properly?

OP went too far because he didn't factor in that we all crave stimulation.

springydaffs · 03/10/2016 10:30

Went too far = cheated on his wife. It wasn't a thing that just, well, happened. Out of the sky like a bolt. Not me guv.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 03/10/2016 10:31

Do you wife a favour and tell her the truth so she can ensure you haven't risked her health and she can show you the door.

Your stereotypical whinging is pathetic.

springydaffs · 03/10/2016 10:32

OP you have HURT your wife. Really, deeply, hurt and lacerated your wife.

How does the shag feel now? Your kids in a mess for some time. Because you didn't resist 'stimulation'.

misscph1973 · 03/10/2016 10:44

If you decide to stay with your DW, please don't tell her. She doesn't need that burden.

So glad I work from home!

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2016 10:49

but all I can think about are my wife's feelings and my children
Were thinking of them when you were shagging and investing time and energy in OW???

As the saying goes:-

They say the grass is greener on the other side. Try watering your own lawn instead of admiring someone else's grass.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Ouriana · 03/10/2016 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 03/10/2016 11:05

Crikey, you think it's 'all girls together' on here?
And that a woman admitting an affair gets tea and sympathy?

Really?

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