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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Follow my Heart or my Head

53 replies

Jonsnow1 · 03/10/2016 08:12

I'm a married man of 9yrs been together 15 years, with 2 childern under 10, I have been having an emotional affair for 6 months with a co worker, which in the past 2 months has turned sexual, this is totally against my moral code and I'm so in love with the ow but still love my wife. Advice please

OP posts:

springydaffs · 03/10/2016 11:06

I have too live with the guilt of my infidelity

Well poor old you. You have to live with the guilt of your infidelity, while having a sumptuous silver lining in the nubile bit of stuff you're pinning your heart and dick on.

While wife has no such silver lining. Except the brutal and vicious thwack of her life in pieces around her, battling to survive the deepest betrayal for months/years ahead.

springydaffs · 03/10/2016 11:07

nb: it's never happened to me, as far as I'm aware.

No projection going on here.

Arfarfanarf · 03/10/2016 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happybunny19 · 03/10/2016 11:20

Springdaffs well said. I also am not projecting and would definitely be giving a woman posting this the same message.

What a pity you couldn't think of the terrible hurt you are inflicting on your wife before you fucked someone in the office. Are you now seeking alternative employment to put some distance between you?

Arfarfanarf · 03/10/2016 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrianOfW · 03/10/2016 12:04

What do you do now? Simple. Tell your wife. Honestly, it is the best and most effective way of keeping the a ended and for you to fully get just how much damage you have done. From now on your are not in control - your wife is - she gets to call the shots.

And BTW total NC with the OW.

NotTheFordType · 03/10/2016 13:33

Consider this a wake up call from your dick and sort your marriage out. Get STI tested, you need to wait 2 weeks after the last sexual contact with the OW. If anything is positive, you'll need to tell your wife. If you're lucky and it's all negative, you then have a choice to tell her or not. If you're sure you're going to stay, and she doesn't appear to have noticed anything, then you don't get to unburden yourself and pass the pain to her. You keep your fucking mouth shut and think how you're going to fix things.

Only exception to that is if you've been dumb enough to bang someone whose likely to react by telling your wife, and/or launch a claim for sexual harassment at work. In that case you'll have to come clean, because your wife deserves to hear it from you.

MaMaof04 · 03/10/2016 23:56

Jon
I think that it is really good that you are understanding how wrong your actions are/were; it is also very good that you are not minimising the impact of the affair on your family. There are many things you can do to stop 'cheating'.
1- are you still with the OW or are you just still 'in love' with her?
2- If you are still with her, it is best you break up immediately and start working on your marriage.
3- Of course your wife must be informed. Of course you must be humble and work hard to make her and your kids forgive you.
4- This affair might help you grow if you analyse it and find out why you 'failed' the test. Are you the kind of men that think that it is OK to have an affair, and that normalise cheating because they think that many have affairs, and the ones that dont are the ones that did not have opportunities? You have to work on this: being attracted by other women and having an opportunity to have an affair does not mean that you can just indulge in it, especially when you are a father. Try to see this for what it is: pathetic- the kids and your partner need you emotionally; so why indulge in an emotional affair? escapism (a colleague!)? Childish (I am in love with OW but still love my wife?). With a rigourous analysis you can use thsi affair to grow and become a better partner- a better spouse. Good Luck!

Onedaftmonkey · 03/10/2016 23:59

What a walker. What did u expect coming on hear and voicing your "angst" over what you've done. Grow a pair. Man up and Fuck off.

DustyOfSkye · 04/10/2016 01:54

Hi Jon. I'm not sure I understand your OP. When you say you love your wife, why then did you have an affair?

Is there something fundamentally not working in your marriage? Are you having sex? Are you emotionally intimate? Are you able to communicate with each other?

You're asking for advice which is what this board is about but we need more information to be able to advise you.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2016 02:10

Oh boo fucking hoo! It's still all about you, isn't it? You're wallowing in self-pity and a misplaced feeling of nobility because you've 'given up' the OW 'for the sake of your marriage'. Well, pin a fucking medal on your chest. If you'd been a real man to begin with you never would have strayed.

Meanwhile your poor wife is living a lie. A lie that YOU have created and are still creating, every single day. She's the one deserving of pity and sympathy.

You owe her a debt of honour you will never be able to fully pay. The least you can do is tell her the truth and then shut the hell up and allow her to decide with dignity whether or not she wants to stay in the marriage. If she does, you can plan on living the rest of your life making it up to her and doing everything in your power to prove your trustworthiness. If she kicks you to the kerb, then you need to leave quietly and with respect for her decision.

Do you think you can do that?

EmeraldIsle100 · 04/10/2016 02:15

Well its obviously not totally against your moral code because you ploughed on nonetheless.

You say you are totally in love with the OW but have you ever wondered what impact seeing your wife completely devastated, your children heartbroken, your parents and friends appalled by your behaviour, losing half your house, decimating your finances, only seeing you children at weekends would have on your ardour. Grow the fuck up.

springydaffs · 04/10/2016 09:58

People don't have affairs bcs there's something wrong with the marriage. They have affairs bcs they can.

We don't want to get into blaming the spouse /marriage - because of course no one and nothing is perfect and it's not hard to build a case against.

pictish · 04/10/2016 10:23

Did he not come back?
Shocker.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime · 04/10/2016 10:36

Yes you can love 2 people at the same time.

Problem is no one wants to hear it but most men are not cut out for monogamy. I think marriage will go out of fashion eventually.

However if I was your wife I would not be happy, either make a go if it with your wife or just except your not cut out for marriage and go it alone.

IrianOfW · 04/10/2016 11:55

"People don't have affairs bcs there's something wrong with the marriage. They have affairs bcs they can. "

I would say it's both. The 'something wrong' frequently turns out to be caused by the cheater themselves and the affair is because they are too lazy to fix the problem. Having an affair because of perceived problems in the marriage is like renting a new house because you don;t like the bathroom in the old one.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2016 11:58

I'd say you need to stop thinking with your cock

Cabrinha · 04/10/2016 16:10

I'd like to know how it happened when it was against your moral code.
Because it obviously wasn't.

Happybunny19 · 04/10/2016 16:49

Holyshit I think that's complete bullshit that many men have used as an excuse for infidelity over the years.

Can you explain how exactly you love two people at the same time in a romantic context?

Arfarfanarf · 04/10/2016 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arfarfanarf · 04/10/2016 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeaux90 · 04/10/2016 21:06

hey op I will dish out the same to you as a woman posting about this. None of us is infallible ok we all fuck up sometimes so the question is whether you did this because your relationship with your wife has run its course or whether this happened because you were weak. If it's the latter then focus on your marriage and crack on accepting your guilt. I wouldn't tell her by the way. Go NC with the OW.

If it's ran its course then sit your wife down and tell her the truth.

pictish · 04/10/2016 21:21

Good advice. I agree with it.

AyeAmarok · 04/10/2016 21:31

Oh poor you, how disappointing for you that this happened to you. The OW was a temptress that nobody could have resisted. It's not your fault, don't beat yourself up about it.

AyeAmarok · 04/10/2016 21:35

I'd like to know how it happened when it was against your moral code.
Because it obviously wasn't.

It's funny how many cheaters are so against cheating.

I can't decide whether they are just against it in the abstract sense, but when they want to get their end away there are always mitigating circumstances that mean it wasn't their fault.

Or if it's just a case of thou doth protest too much.

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