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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to leave my husband

38 replies

bluesoup · 01/10/2016 23:49

We've been married for all of two years. But he has a drinking problem. Not drinking every day but regularly gets so drunk that he can't stand up. Sick all over the house, urinating on the carpet, verbally aggressive when drunk...
And he can't stop. He's tried. Luckily, I have somewhere to go. I don't know why I'm writing this, except to ask: is this enough to leave a marriage? Because he will say it's not. If it's not all the time & when he's sober we have a mostly great relationship? No kids, no mortgage. I can walk away. But should I?

OP posts:
EstellaHavisham · 01/10/2016 23:51

It sounds horrible. Yes this is enough.
You don't need his permission to leave this marriage. Life is far too short.
Flowers

Original poster
bluesoup · 01/10/2016 23:53

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 01/10/2016 23:55

More than enough. And it will only get worse.

bellakinnies · 01/10/2016 23:56

I'm sorry you've had to experience this. I had a serious relationship with an drunk for five years.

The question is not so much will it get worse but are you happy for it to be like this forever? Because odds are unfortunately most never change. It wasn't until I had to sit in the back of an ambulance with my partner who nearly died of alcohol poisoning after a really heavy night, that I left.

I loved him so much but I didn't realise that I worried and dreaded every time he went out drinking/opened a beer. He was a lovely guy, but I didn't come before his drinking. He might see you leaving him as prompt to sort himself out, but he has a long way to go and you need to move on.

Love to you x

SoleBizzz · 01/10/2016 23:57

Leave him. Your mental health will be permanently scarred forever if you don't. You've been warned.

SunnyInMay · 01/10/2016 23:59

No kids and no mortgage? Run. Run like the wind!

Original poster
bluesoup · 02/10/2016 00:01

Thank you all so much. And you're right. So right.
I can't force him to stop drinking because a) he won't and b) even if he did, he would just resent me.
I can't keep living like this. Bella you're right, it's constant fear whenever he goes out or has a drink.
He is a wonderful person. But it's not enough.
Again, thank you. You've all helped so much.

OP posts:
Ohdearducks · 02/10/2016 00:01

It's enough. If he won't stop for himself he won't stop for you or anyone else either. Run run run run now!

Original poster
bluesoup · 02/10/2016 00:02

Sunny that kinda made me laugh, so thank you!

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 02/10/2016 00:02

He sounds horrible. Imagine how his behaviour will deteriorate when he's stressed about a mortgage and DCs.

Start again by yourself and in time you'll meet a better partner not a selfish git.

Original poster
bluesoup · 02/10/2016 00:03

Even if it's just, say, once a month or so that he does this?
I keep doubting myself.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 02/10/2016 00:06

Don't doubt yourself. You deserve more than this - we all do.

HeddaGarbled · 02/10/2016 00:06

Still yes. Once a year would be too often. Once a month, unbearable. He's an alcoholic. If you stay, you're his enabler.

Soyouare2faced · 02/10/2016 00:09

Go and live the life you deserve

bellakinnies · 02/10/2016 00:10

I second PP, please, I can't urge you enough

You will come up with every imaginable reason to stay because you love him (understandably) but you must push through.

Use your support, speak to friends and family. In my case once I'd told someone it kind of made the decision for me as I would have been too ashamed to go back, it kind of put things in an impartial perspective you know?

Imagine one of your closest friends was asking you for advice. Would you tell her to leave?

notapizzaeater · 02/10/2016 00:12

Agree - if this was your friend telling you what would you be suggesting ?

tipsytrifle · 02/10/2016 00:17

You already know you don't choose to live like this. If you can walk away now, while you are intact in yourself, then I think it would be wise to do so. It will only get worse, for sure. Whether or how you wish to remain involved with him is almost a side issue, if for times of the month he is sober. For me a clean break up would be preferable, an end meaning an end. Three weeks waiting for the next bout of cleaning up (i imagine that he doesn't do it) what should be a home, plus the anticipation and fear of what might happen when he's off his head ... soul-drain. You deserve better.

hermione2016 · 02/10/2016 00:23

You don't like it, it makes you feel on edge..that is really enough to leave.

My ex was a drinker, it does get worse and it also changes YOU into someone more fearful, always having to be the grownup.No way to live.

I know you will doubt yourself but you are worth more and deserve more.You don't have to tolerate it as it is unacceptable to you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/10/2016 00:26

Yes it is enough. It is completely enough.

I know it is hard to make the decision to leave. I am at the same point. Admitting to yourself it is over is painful. I'm there, though for different reasons.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 02/10/2016 00:31

Yes. It's 'enough' to leave a marriage, it's WAY more than enough & critical you do before bringing children into this.

IT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH

However, if YOU (anyone, not just you) want to leave a marriage, you don't need 'a reason', you don't need to justify yourself to anyone, not even your wife/husband. It's your decision to make.

Fcukthetww · 02/10/2016 01:06

I wouldn't say going out and getting drunk once a month was reason to LTB but if he's aggressive and you feel you aren't safe or he may lash out or do something to harm you then definitely get rid. You don't need a reason to leave your partner, and you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. I don't actually have any advice but good luck whatever you decide x

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/10/2016 01:45

Going out and getting drunk is one thing. Being so drunk you vomit and urinate in places which are not the toilet? Really?

KickAssAngel · 02/10/2016 03:33

You can leave a marriage just because you want to. So, him being like this is more than enough of a reason.

If he manages to get sober then you could always try again. But until he decides that he's ready to give up drink, you have no future together. He's married to the bottle, not you.

LellyMcKelly · 02/10/2016 03:59

It doesn't matter if he thinks it's not enough. You can leave because you want to. You don't need to stay with him because he thinks you should. Flowers

PirateCatOvenGloveOption · 02/10/2016 05:38

Don't walk, run. Life is short. Don't listen to him when he tries to dictate terms as to whether you are allowed to stay or go, he's a piss head remember. You are in charge or you.