I think I need to leave my husband

[bluesoup]

We've been married for all of two years. But he has a drinking problem. Not drinking every day but regularly gets so drunk that he can't stand up. Sick all over the house, urinating on the carpet, verbally aggressive when drunk...
And he can't stop. He's tried. Luckily, I have somewhere to go. I don't know why I'm writing this, except to ask: is this enough to leave a marriage? Because he will say it's not. If it's not all the time & when he's sober we have a mostly great relationship? No kids, no mortgage. I can walk away. But should I?

[Naicehamshop]

Well done op. So pleased you have left! All the very best for the future.

[victoriafalls555]

Yes you should leave him. You are so lucky not to have kids. I grew up with a closet drinking father (no puking and falling over, just drunkennes) and have seen how it affected my mother. She never left him and she died before reaching her 60's, suffering from anxiety, shame and depression most of their married life, and i believe developing a serious health condition from all the unhappiness she went through. Get out now before it eats you up inside. He will survive.

[pointythings]

Well done for leaving him.

What you describe wrt the pissing, vomiting and aggression is enough to classify as 'unreasonable behaviour'. And fortunately you don't have the ties of mortgage and kids. Start over, you deserve better.

[Stevefromstevenage]

The question is would this be the kind of life you would want for your fictional grown up children if you were to have them? I mean would you want them to be in a relationship with a adult whose functioning is so limited by alcohol? I really doubt it.

Well you are somebody's child. You don't deserve it either. Leave.

Often it is easier to see why it is wrong for others to put up with shit like this than for ourselves.

[bluesoup]

God, you're all so fab. Thank you. I have left. Who knows what will happen but as PP have said, we deserve better.
Honestly thank you. You all helped me through the night

[niceupthedance]

If you dread hearing his key in the door you need to leave.

[cauliflowercheese14]

God yes leave. I stayed with someone like that for eight years until I was a terrified, depressed wreck, horribly used to cleaning vomit off the walls and piss off the floor. No kids, thank god. It was my GP who said to me 'things will still be the same, if not worse, in ten years, is that what you want?' (I got shut of him at age 30 and now have been married for ten years to a moderate social drinker, have two kids and never ever fear the sound of the key in the lock late at night! My ex is still propping up bars and has been single ever since, I doubt he'll see 50.)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Yes you can walk away and you should. You married an alcoholic and life with such a person is basically lurching from one crisis to yet another. There is no stability here in your relationship, you're fire fighting and in crisis management mode the whole time.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

[lasttimeround]

Just because it's hard and heartbreaking I will add my voice:
You may leave him for this. You probably should. Do it now before you have bigger commitments you share. The only person who can sort him out is him. Sorry it's sad and awful leaving better than staying with someone addicted and self destructive

[AyeAmarok]

Going out drinking once a month is no biggie.

Getting into the state that you piss yourself, vomit, and start being verbally aggressive to your wife every month, to the point that she's dreading you doing it and scared of what you'll be like with her when you get home, and not even thinking that's a reason to rein it in?

LTB.

[bluesoup]

Thank you for all your messages. I am reading them

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Leave now. He won't get better.

[PoldarksBreeches]

Yes, you absolutely can and should leave him. Living with someone with a drink problem is traumatising. You're already seriously affected by it and it won't get better. Just thinking back to when I lived with my ex is making me anxious and that was years ago.
You don't need his permission to leave - you get to decide where your line is, not him.

[PirateCatOvenGloveOption]

Don't walk, run. Life is short. Don't listen to him when he tries to dictate terms as to whether you are allowed to stay or go, he's a piss head remember. You are in charge or you.

[LellyMcKelly]

It doesn't matter if he thinks it's not enough. You can leave because you want to. You don't need to stay with him because he thinks you should.

[KickAssAngel]

You can leave a marriage just because you want to. So, him being like this is more than enough of a reason.

If he manages to get sober then you could always try again. But until he decides that he's ready to give up drink, you have no future together. He's married to the bottle, not you.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Going out and getting drunk is one thing. Being so drunk you vomit and urinate in places which are not the toilet? Really?

[Fcukthetww]

I wouldn't say going out and getting drunk once a month was reason to LTB but if he's aggressive and you feel you aren't safe or he may lash out or do something to harm you then definitely get rid. You don't need a reason to leave your partner, and you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. I don't actually have any advice but good luck whatever you decide x

[GingerbreadLatteToGo]

Yes. It's 'enough' to leave a marriage, it's WAY more than enough & critical you do before bringing children into this.

IT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH

However, if YOU (anyone, not just you) want to leave a marriage, you don't need 'a reason', you don't need to justify yourself to anyone, not even your wife/husband. It's your decision to make.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Yes it is enough. It is completely enough.

I know it is hard to make the decision to leave. I am at the same point. Admitting to yourself it is over is painful. I'm there, though for different reasons.

[hermione2016]

You don't like it, it makes you feel on edge..that is really enough to leave.

My ex was a drinker, it does get worse and it also changes YOU into someone more fearful, always having to be the grownup.No way to live.

I know you will doubt yourself but you are worth more and deserve more.You don't have to tolerate it as it is unacceptable to you.

[tipsytrifle]

You already know you don't choose to live like this. If you can walk away now, while you are intact in yourself, then I think it would be wise to do so. It will only get worse, for sure. Whether or how you wish to remain involved with him is almost a side issue, if for times of the month he is sober. For me a clean break up would be preferable, an end meaning an end. Three weeks waiting for the next bout of cleaning up (i imagine that he doesn't do it) what should be a home, plus the anticipation and fear of what might happen when he's off his head ... soul-drain. You deserve better.

[notapizzaeater]

Agree - if this was your friend telling you what would you be suggesting ?

[bellakinnies]

I second PP, please, I can't urge you enough

You will come up with every imaginable reason to stay because you love him (understandably) but you must push through.

Use your support, speak to friends and family. In my case once I'd told someone it kind of made the decision for me as I would have been too ashamed to go back, it kind of put things in an impartial perspective you know?

Imagine one of your closest friends was asking you for advice. Would you tell her to leave?

[Soyouare2faced]

Go and live the life you deserve