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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I reveal affair?

71 replies

Emilylucas86 · 13/09/2016 21:56

I feel like I'm in a bit of a situation.
My ex partner with whom I've got a little girl with is having an affair with his close work colleague. This has been going on for months, and they have been physical with each other. She is married and has been for 6 years and also has a young child.
Me and my partner were separated, but were living together up until a month ago when I revealed that I knew about the affair. He has left the house now.
Anyway, the situation I'm left with is do I inform her husband of what she's doing? I personally don't know her husband, but close family members do. To add it in to the mix her husband also works in the same department as my ex and the other woman.
I feel that if I were in his situation, I would want to know.
What's everyone's thoughts on this?! Help!

OP posts:
BarbaraRoberts · 13/09/2016 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foxtrotoscarfoxtrotfoxtrot · 13/09/2016 22:08

Yes. I was cheated on and I am beyond pissed off that the people who knew about H's affair didn't tell me because they didn't think it was their business. Had I known I wouldn't have spent months going half mad wondering why my previously loving H had morphed into a complete arsehole.

Knowledge is power. Give the poor man the knowledge.

BarbaraRoberts · 13/09/2016 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 13/09/2016 22:10

Tell him. Although be prepared for a shock. I told someone in this situation and they called me a liar Hmm they obviously didn't want to believe it and some people would rather live in denial.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 13/09/2016 22:12

It's as painful knowing that no one told you as finding out. I feel so upset that someone wasted my life while doing this, I lost a year I'll never get back. Let us know how it goes if you tell him OP

MegFlyAway · 13/09/2016 22:12

I would tell him. People say "none of your business" etc. But when you're that person being cheated on, there's nothing worse than finding out that someone could have told you what was going on, instead of you feeling a complete fool afterwards.

ALaughAMinute · 13/09/2016 22:17

I think you have to ask yourself what you would expect to gain from telling him. If you're after revenge don't do it because it will very likely turn very nasty and by the sound of it you've got enough on your plate at the moment.

Original poster
Emilylucas86 · 13/09/2016 22:24

I've got evidence of the affair to show the husband, so i would be prepared for the husband thinking I was lying or trying to cause trouble.
I don't think my intentions are for revenge, as myself and partner are no longer together. In fact I'd be more happy now if the other woman would leave her husband for my ex! At least then the husband wouldn't be made a fool of anymore.
I think I'm just thinking about 'if I was being cheated on' I would definitely want to know, even if it was a stranger who would be telling me!
The other woman knows I know about the affair also, and this hasn't scared her off. I just can't decide. Things can't get much worse between myself and my ex anyway.

OP posts:
Darcychu · 13/09/2016 22:28

I Say yes, I would SO prefer someone to tell me than to be made a fool of.

Cheating is Disgusting.

Original poster
Emilylucas86 · 13/09/2016 22:31

Do you think I should approach her first? Or would that come across as threatening?

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 13/09/2016 22:31

Put the poor man out of his misery.

Sorry about your arsehole ex, OP.

Alwaysrushingaround · 13/09/2016 22:31

Tell. I wish someone had told me when it was happening instead of me having to figure it out by myself.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 13/09/2016 22:33

Don't bother speaking to her. It isn't necessary.

PushingThru · 13/09/2016 22:33

I wouldn't - mainly because I wouldn't risk any effect on your daughter from any drama fallout.

Original poster
Emilylucas86 · 13/09/2016 22:34

What effect do you think it could have on my daughter?

OP posts:
PushingThru · 13/09/2016 22:37

Well it isn't going to improve relations between her parents...

Original poster
Emilylucas86 · 13/09/2016 22:45

I understand that.. But maybe he should of thought about that after I revealed I knew what was going on. He's crossed the line sleeping with a married woman.
I also know that whilst my daughter is in his care, he's spending a lot of his time messaging the other woman which worries me. He's not focussing on our child and valuing the time that he gets with her. He hasn't got his priorities straight at all.

OP posts:
emilywemily · 13/09/2016 22:49

Imagine you were the one being cheated on and would you want the person asking this question to tell you the truth. There's your answer

ProseccoBitch · 13/09/2016 22:50

I would tell him. He might hate you for it at first but he deserves to know. If it was me I'd want someone to have told me rather than stayed quiet, however awful it was at the time

thisismyfirsttime · 13/09/2016 23:03

Tell him. But don't tell her you're telling him, that makes it sound like you're threatening to reveal but what do you have to gain? Nothing. Tell him because he has a right to know, not because you're spiting her.

Original poster
Emilylucas86 · 13/09/2016 23:05

I think I'm going to tell him. He has a right to know and I would definitely want to know if I was the person being cheated on. Even if it was from someone I don't know.
How do you think I should tell him? A letter? An email?

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 13/09/2016 23:07

I would stay out of it. Everyone will hate you; why get involved?

purpleshortcake · 13/09/2016 23:09

Could a possible repercussion be that your ex's lover gets kicked out and moves in with your ex? Would this complicate things with the child you have together? Just a couple of other things to think about...

Original poster
Emilylucas86 · 13/09/2016 23:12

Yeah everyone may shoot the messenger at first.. However my ex and the other woman are the people at fault here, not me. I guess i would be the one just passing on the information.
I'm living in our shared house with my daughter at the moment, with my ex back with his parents.

OP posts:
timelytess · 13/09/2016 23:15

Its just spite. Let it go.

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