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Original poster

Should I reveal affair?

71 replies

Emilylucas86 · 13/09/2016 21:56

I feel like I'm in a bit of a situation.
My ex partner with whom I've got a little girl with is having an affair with his close work colleague. This has been going on for months, and they have been physical with each other. She is married and has been for 6 years and also has a young child.
Me and my partner were separated, but were living together up until a month ago when I revealed that I knew about the affair. He has left the house now.
Anyway, the situation I'm left with is do I inform her husband of what she's doing? I personally don't know her husband, but close family members do. To add it in to the mix her husband also works in the same department as my ex and the other woman.
I feel that if I were in his situation, I would want to know.
What's everyone's thoughts on this?! Help!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 17:26

MumOfTwo, it was academic for me as I found out. My ex though wasn't quite as horrible as some posters' exes seem to be. Mine admitted it when questioned and he didn't make it my fault. That meant a lot actually.

I don't think I would want somebody to tell me really... I would want my partner to tell me. I certainly wouldn't want somebody to tell me anonymously though, that's cowardly. Either somebody cares enough to tell me directly - or they should keep their beaks out. That's how I feel about it anyway but I know that my view isn't the usual one.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 17:28

All that typing and I missed your point! I can understand now why you wanted to know what he said. You wanted to know if he acknowledged it or didn't acknowledge it to see if the experience was the same for you.

I imagine that some people jump straight into denial once told - or they are 'rabbit in headlights' and unable to articulate anything. Must be awful.

EarthboundMisfit · 14/09/2016 20:03

I agree with MiddleClassProblem that you need to consider the implications for your child if the two of them do enter a permanent relationship.

purpleshortcake · 15/09/2016 16:54

My friend has an anonymous letter left on her windscreen saying "if you want to catch your husband cheating on you be at the Holiday Inn at 7pm on Monday. She still doesn't know who sent it (probably his lover)but it made her ill with anxiety ...and yes a friend went at the appointed time and caught him snogging in his car ...yuck! Anonymous definitely not the way...

SlowJinn · 15/09/2016 17:16

I would tell him, face to face, and be prepared for disbelief and verbal outrage. There's nothing more humiliating than being told you're a cuckold. He will thank you for it eventually though.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/09/2016 17:28

I'd tell him. I wish somebody had told me. People I liked and valued knew my ex-h was a serial cheat and never said a word, partly out of loyalty to him and partly because they didn't want to hurt me. I understand both arguments but I went on to have a baby with this man and he left anyway and has treated us like shit ever since, as has the OW. If I had known what a nasty, lying, cheating, evil shit he was, there is no way I would have continued with the marriage. Affairs cause untold pain and the ripple effects are huge, particularly on the wider family. It rips peoples lives apart. I have also known about an affair and said nothing and regretted it. It's a difficult call, but on balance, I would spill the beans I'm afraid. Be open, honest and definitely not anonymous.

reddotmum · 15/09/2016 17:31

I would tell him! I wish I'd been told all those years ago instead of finding out by accident. At least then as someone said up thread he would have the power to decide what happens next. If u feel more confident send an anonymous email.

jeaux90 · 15/09/2016 18:29

Think of it a different way. If you tell him how do you know that his reaction is going to be a reasonable one? When I say reasonable I mean one that is within the law. If he acts violently to the news how will you feel then?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 15/09/2016 19:01

Why is no one putting your DD first on this thread, OP? Or very few are.

She's the one who deserves to be thought of first. What implications will this have for her. Everyone else is an adult who can look after themselves.

hownottofuckup · 15/09/2016 19:05

It shouldn't impact her DD anymore than it already has. Her ex has already conducted the affair leading to the breakdown of the relationship/family. It's done.
I don't really see what this has to do with the DD at all tbh.

Lunar1 · 15/09/2016 19:08

I would tell him, I'd want to know.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 15/09/2016 19:15

I'd have told him already.
But that's me all over.

SomeonesRealName · 15/09/2016 19:20

Tell. Don't overthink it.

MiddleClassProblem · 15/09/2016 19:29

Well it could affect DD if it goes from civil parents to one hating the other or a step mum that blames her mum for messing her DC's life up (despite it really being her own fault but doesn't mean she couldn't make op's life hell and be an irrational cunt as could he)

jeaux90 · 15/09/2016 19:50

Middle class is right. There is only one reason to tell him and lots of others why you shouldn't. I honestly don't know why you would want to take such a risk when you have no idea of the fall out.

DiegeticMuch · 15/09/2016 22:57

Maybe he is aware and is turning a blind eye in the hope that it fizzles out. Or perhaps he's trying to convince himself that their relationship is platonic. He may even have a girlfriend himself, whom his wife may or may not know about. Perhaps they have agreed to stay together just for their DC, with discreet affairs allowed. In these cases, he possibly won't welcome an intervention. No one likes to see a decent person get shafted, but it may be more complex than you think. Tread carefully. Good luck.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 16/09/2016 20:24

It shouldn't impact her DD anymore than it already has.

That's remarkably short-sighted. How about the enhanced bitterness and resentment between this little girl's parents? We can be reasonably sure it would be a negative thing for their co-parenting relationship (which it would be reckless to consider a lost cause, given its value for her).

I can't believe how many people are prepared to gloss over potential harm for a child in order to put a cheater in his place and save a partner who is an adult - and may not even want to know.

happypoobum · 16/09/2016 20:49

Yes I would have told him. I hope it all works out OK for you.

hownottofuckup · 16/09/2016 22:47

How well they co parent or otherwise is up to both of them. If he's going to make it difficult over issues arising from his affair than he's going to make it hard full stop.
He's an adult, he'll have to deal with the fall out of his actions and continue to parent just like everyone else. If he can't then that's a shame but it's not up to the OP to manage his behaviour.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 17/09/2016 08:45

Very true how but there's no point talking about how he ought to behave.

Stirring the pot like this will definitely make relations worse between this kid's parents. They are obviously already not great but that's all the more reason not to blow the fragile dynamic to hell . It's the op's job to consider her dd first and to that end, what will help the two adults engage calmly and reasonably. Hard enough without putting herself on his most wanted list unnecessarily.

It's NOT her responsibility to ensure that another adult grows up, gets his just desserts or anything else to do with his private life.

She's no longer under any obligation to engage with him in that way and would be well advised to stay out of it and instead work towards a civil, respectful coparenting relationship where it doesn't matter what her private opinion about him is because appropriate boundaries are in place.

purpleshortcake · 24/09/2016 17:11

OP did you decide what to do? x

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